Hating my younger, abused self **TRIGGERS**

[sixtieskid]

I struggle daily with conflicted feelings about myself. One day I am happy with myself, even proud beyond what is reasonable. Another day I loathe myself. Often things are black and white in my life, especially whey I get triggered. One thing I realized during a recent therapy session was that I didn't "like" my 4-year old self. I was abused between the ages of 4 and 9 but had repressed the memories (or just denied them) for almost 45 years. I thought once I realized what happened things would get better but I have found lately as I've gone through therapy that the one underlying block I have is that I can't accept that younger, abused child as part of me. Sometimes I think he went back for more. Sometimes I consider him dirty and "tainted" and don't want to associate with him. I know (I mean I REALLY know) this thinking is misled and wrong. But I can't accept who I was as a 4-year old boy.

My therapist said to me one day "a four year old doesn't understand what all his body parts are for, or even the concept of a minute". Academically I know and understand this. But in my heart I wall off that poor 4-year old like he is diseased. I subconsciously dissociate myself from the effeminate (probably he was turned that way) and weak, small and frail kid. The saddest part is I know doing this compartmentalization makes me a broken, lame, incomplete human being as an adult...but I can't help it.

Any insights or words of support (or criticism) appreciated.

Phil

 

[gettingstronger]

Phil,

Do you have any pictures of him (yourself at that age?) Or if not, can you think back to what he looked like back then? I used to have the most horrific image of myself from back then, but after seeing photos, I was a perfectly normal kid (albeit somewhat on the small side.) It made me realize how much I had remodeled my self-image from reality into "Shleprock" from the Flintstones. That was really who I thought of when I tried to picture myself from then. And it took lots of looking at those photos-- an awkward, pale and geeky kid with Asperger's-- to realize he was actually quite normal, even with all that. Now I see the real him, not my corrupted image of him.

Another thing that helped me is that, only a few months ago, I had my first good cry and bout of anger about what happened to that little boy. I was listening to some songs that came out that year, including "I Never Cry" by Alice Cooper, on YouTube. Some of them had heart-rending videos of crying children. That was what it took to finally trigger a lie-on-the-floor-pounding-your-fists-screaming fit. All I was able to get out through the tears was "Those sons of bitches! Look what they did to you!", "How could anyone hurt a little boy like that?" and so on. This eventually turned to "I won't let them hurt you anymore," "you're safe now," and "I love you so much, little guy!" I pictured myself hugging him and holding him tight, like a decent father would have done. I really think that without my screaming/crying fit, I would never have gotten there.

Finally, one last insight if I may. Just the other night, I read a post from a fellow survivor about what happened to him. Like me, he was abused by a handsome, popular, older neighborhood boy. What struck me is that his perp used EXACTLY the same arguments to get him to cooperate as were used on me. Practically the same words! I could see how persuasive (and threatening) these words were to a seven year old who was already very badly scarred sexually from other sources.

I could stop blaming myself. Very few seven year olds would not have complied. I finally realized that, even though some of what happened actually felt good, I could stop blaming my child self. Suddenly, a lot of the "diseased" part I was feeling as well began to fade. That little boy who I always regarded as a walking puddle of filth suddenly started to look like a normal, even somewhat cute little kid. We've a ways to go, but he's no longer frozen in that state.

So I don't know if any of this makes sense, but at least it's been helpful to me. I'm sure others will have insights to offer. Take care.

Bob

 

[kcinohio]

An idea.

Perhaps try seeing what age is most angry at the 4-year old. Is that age 10, age 18, something else?

Then really get in touch with yourself at the age you are now. How do you feel about the angriest age you (the 10, 18, or whatever). Try working on that understanding.

Then maybe the angriest age's response to the 4-year-old will change in a different way. The anger may not be much about you as you are now anyway - would explain why it's so hard to work with.

A second idea. Work from what the 4-year-old would think of the current you (your relationship with it aside). Then, how do you respond to that?

By the way, I had some experience with working with parts of my history I wasn't very fond of regarding myself. I realized I didn't always need to like everything about me, good enough is good enough IMO.

 

[Serious Dave]

Hi sixtieskid,

I had a couple of thoughts; one more cognitive and the other more relational.

Cognitive:

Why do we blame ourselves for the abuse? Years back, I read an interesting explanation that talks about how the child views his own security. A child is instinctively aware that he must rely on adults for everything; for food, shelter, protection, etc. To young children especially, these relationships with adults (parent, uncle/aunt, older sibling/neighbor kid) are literally a matter of life and death.

Therefore, it is critical, in the child's view that the "protector/provider" be perfect - without flaws - and incapable of making a mistake - the child's life depends on it. If a mistake is made, it threatens the foundation of the child's security and order must be restored. When one of these figures does something that is not perfect (abuse, for example), the child has no choice but accept the blame/shame as his in order to restore his sense of security. So, he trades his self image for security, and the offender "remains" perfect in his eyes. If the offender is once again perfect, then doing what the offender asks becomes tied to the ongoing maintenance of security - the child willingly goes back for more. I'm not sure this functions the same in all cases, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

Relational:

Years ago, before realizing the abuse, I used to use an interesting technique to connect spiritually, to God, in order to work out my feelings/problems. I think it could be modified for your purpose, however. It's an imagery technique that goes as follows.

Sit somewhere quiet where you won't be disturbed. Close your eyes and imagine the most peaceful place you can. Notice every detail of it; sights, sounds, smells and tactile sensations. Imagine that there are two chairs facing one another a comfortable distance apart. You are sitting in one chair and the 4-year-old is in the other. (I think the picture suggested above is a good idea to get a good, "normal" mental image.) Now, start a conversation with him. Ask him why he did what he did and why he went back. Was he scared? Did he feel obligated to listen to this person? Was he threatened or bribed, etc.? Give him the time he needs to answer, and listen closely. He may talk softly (God does).

It sounds a little far out, but it was a very helpful way for me to establish a face-to-face relationship with God. (I chose an image for God from a fresco in the church I grew up in and imagined what his throne room would look like.)

Perhaps if you can develop such a relationship with that little boy he can tell you something that will make you understand why he did what he did. I'll bet he had what he thought were very good reasons at the time. And, if you get to know him better, who knows, you might grow to love him.

Love and blessings,

Dave

 

[Nothing Man]

I think many of us survivors have a deep self-loathing because we blame ourselves for the abuse we suffered. It is an irrational action to do that, however, because as a child there was precious little we could do to stop the abuse. Someone wiser than me here once posted that children are unable to consent, they are only able to comply. And I think that is very true. To try to deal with my own self-loathing I try to repeat that mantra whenever I get down about myself.

I read about a study that posited we blame ourselves as a way of ensuring the abuse will never happen again. If we can just figure out what we did wrong when we were young, and just not do it again, we won't be abused or attacked. We just have to change ourselves -- and not the perp who harmed us -- and we will be all right.

My therapist had a session with me in which I role-played the young me who was abused. He asked me to verbalize what the young me thought of the abuse and of my grown-up life as well. I have plenty to be ashamed of and my little me called me out on those things. It made me realize where I had in fact gone wrong and gave me the strength to correct those faults, but it also put the question of little me and the abuse in perspective. Hearing little me say, "I didn't ask to be raped, why do you hate me because of it?" helped ground things for me. I realized I hated the things that were done to me and also came to the intellectual conclusion that blaming myself was wrong.

There is a difference between intellectual acceptance and emotional acceptance, however, and my therapist continues to work on that with me. To that end he has employed the "fake it 'til you make it" approach. I am not allowed to say, "I hate you" when I look at myself in the mirror. He substituted the phrase "You're okay" instead. It is beginning to help as I seem to have fewer episodes of telling myself that I hate myself. It is progress, but it can be slow going.

 

[SmartShadow]

*Deleted*

Sorry I am not ready.

 

[Bardo]

It is interesting that you project your self loathing on the younger you, who was the innocent one. I have carried the self loathing with me, as most of us do, into adulthood. I look at the 11 year old boy whose brother betrayed him, with a sense of nostalgia and sadness, tinged with anger at the hurt he suffered. Yet I can't look at myself in a mirror, never have been able to. The result is the same I guess. Until we re-integrate our abused kids into our adult selves we won't be whole men. I wish I knew the answer, but at least we are not alone!

Freeman

 

[sixtieskid]

Hey Gentlemen, I want to thank you all immensely for your thought and for being such, really decent people. I especially appreciate your ideas, Serious Dave and Nothing Man.

All of you guys ROCK! Thank you so much for your thoughts and energy on this.

One thing I have noticed is I have not been able to be emotional about any of this. Some days I WANT to cry or pound my fists but it's like I just can't let it out. That same wall that separates me from the 4-year old is (maybe) blocking me from getting in touch with these emotions.

Thanks again, all.

Phil

 

[justplainme]

If god grants me children, i will task it upon myself to never ridicule , shame or belittle their weakness, instead i will encourage and foster their courage and capacity to face their fears. My father always did the opposite, he called me all the imaginable names to demean a person, when in fact it was his inner weakness that he projected unto me that he was insulting. Our inner child believed all those messages and he just wants a good father, be a good father to him. That wall is his mistrust. Often he does not begin to trust us until we have made concrete actions to communicate with him and make room for his demands. Until then we will remain childlike in our lives, because our inner child dominates our being. He is there inside hiding in a corner waiting to be protected and nurtured. He has this intense power over us because we never integrated our childhoods as something that belonged to us, we were always at the hands of others, so now he creeps up from behind the covers to see what is out there,and panics, cries and does so many more things. Love that inner child as crazy as it may sound he is a real being living still inside you, maybe someday with lots of talk and hard work you can say goodbye to him and start your life as a man.

 

[victor-victim]

If god grants me children, i will task it upon myself to never ridicule , shame or belittle their weakness, instead i will encourage and foster their courage and capacity to face their fears.

good comment, and a worthy commitment.

may god grant you the serenity, wisdom, stamina, and patience required to accomplish your affirmation!

 

[vrocotamy]

I feel a bit awkward commenting here, because I'm not a CSA survivor, but I struggle with a lot of the same issues. I hate the 12-year old self who came out (in my mind, stupidly) and exposed himself to emotional injury through his desires for love. I hate the 14-year old self who tried to be popular by gossiping and revealed a friend's secret LiveJournal (who he also had a crush on) when he wrote hurtful things about him online. I hate the 18-year old who developed an impossible affection for a younger member of the Drama Club and followed him around like a lapdog, constantly humiliating myself. I hate the 19-year old who subjected himself to rape, in part to please the emotionally manipulative straight man I was enamored of. I hate the 20-year old who began dressing provocatively and seeking casual sex without strings attached to inure himself to it, and I hate the 21-year old who got raped a second time.

Sometimes, it's a quasi-effective coping mechanism to hate yourself because it transfers blame to you - and you're in control of it - away from the external world and its cruelties, which can't be controlled. I admitted yesterday in therapy that, in subjecting myself to the kind of demeaning sex I did in my early twenties, I was trying to kill myself emotionally because I hated myself so much. I then said, in what was a big breakthrough, that I'm not a bad person and I'm not responsible for the bad things that happened to me, and what I've seen as failures in my part were the result of very human desires and of understandable reactions to trauma (not "failures"), and I think I meant it for the first time. I still don't know what it would mean to meet my 12 year old or 19 year old self - and it might be a valuable exercise - and embrace him and not try to kill him.

 

[justplainme]

If god grants me children, i will task it upon myself to never ridicule , shame or belittle their weakness, instead i will encourage and foster their courage and capacity to face their fears.

good comment, and a worthy commitment.

may god grant you the serenity, wisdom, stamina, and patience required to accomplish your affirmation!

Thank you so very much for your blessing Victor-victim, it lit up my day. May blessings be upon you and all your loved ones.

 

[justplainme]

I feel a bit awkward commenting here, because I'm not a CSA survivor, but I struggle with a lot of the same issues. I hate the 12-year old self who came out (in my mind, stupidly) and exposed himself to emotional injury through his desires for love. I hate the 14-year old self who tried to be popular by gossiping and revealed a friend's secret LiveJournal (who he also had a crush on) when he wrote hurtful things about him online. I hate the 18-year old who developed an impossible affection for a younger member of the Drama Club and followed him around like a lapdog, constantly humiliating myself. I hate the 19-year old who subjected himself to rape, in part to please the emotionally manipulative straight man I was enamored of. I hate the 20-year old who began dressing provocatively and seeking casual sex without strings attached to inure himself to it, and I hate the 21-year old who got raped a second time.

Sometimes, it's a quasi-effective coping mechanism to hate yourself because it transfers blame to you - and you're in control of it - away from the external world and its cruelties, which can't be controlled. I admitted yesterday in therapy that, in subjecting myself to the kind of demeaning sex I did in my early twenties, I was trying to kill myself emotionally because I hated myself so much. I then said, in what was a big breakthrough, that I'm not a bad person and I'm not responsible for the bad things that happened to me, and what I've seen as failures in my part were the result of very human desires and of understandable reactions to trauma (not "failures"), and I think I meant it for the first time. I still don't know what it would mean to meet my 12 year old or 19 year old self - and it might be a valuable exercise - and embrace him and not try to kill him.

That is all in the past now, we must believe that we all have a chance to live a new more healthier and fulfilling life.
May god give you all his blessings.

 

[lapchinj]

...One thing I realized during a recent therapy session was that I didn't "like" my 4-year old self. ... I consider him dirty and "tainted" and don't want to associate with him. I know (I mean I REALLY know) this thinking is misled and wrong. But I can't accept who I was as a 4-year old boy.

Hey sixtieskid

Unfortunately I do not have anything to say or do that can help you with your issues. But I would like to give you some hope that one day you can free yourself from from your younger self

My memories before I was 9 years old do not exist. I do know that pictures of me and my best friend were being taken of us naked to be sold into boy magazines that you were able to buy at newsstands in NYC. After the next 3 years I was also filmed while a dog (very large) dog would catch me and then have sex with me. When I was 12 I became a prostitute. I did that on a steady basis till I went into the USAF at 18-1/2. I even turned tricks while I came back on leave. When I was 14-15 I was forced into doing really terrible things.

I hate my younger me and I see myself as two distinct and opposite people. One being a prostitute and druggy.

Then there is the me today who is trying to kill younger me, I want nothing to do with him. He fucked up my life. I was never able to play with any of my six kids because of him and now because of him I cannot enjoy my grandchildren.

But I write to you that you will lose that hate. I really don't like the young me but I trust my therapist when he says that I will lose that hate. That along with the help of my psychiatrist with his concoction of meds I will see that day were I can live with my younger self. I know that one day you will also come to the point where you can come to terms with your younger self. I wish I had the magic that will enable to do that.

Bob had a great idea to find a picture of yourself at that age, you would instantly see a loving and innocent child. I would love to be able to do the same thing but family picture of me were very few and non existent after the age of 9. Thousands of pictures were taken of me performing for the cameras and those I don't want to see.

heal well.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

 

[Dale2015]

|||

 

[vrocotamy]

I struggle daily with conflicted feelings about myself. One day I am happy with myself, even proud beyond what is reasonable. Another day I loathe myself. Often things are black and white in my life, especially whey I get triggered. One thing I realized during a recent therapy session was that I didn't "like" my 4-year old self. I was abused between the ages of 4 and 9 but had repressed the memories (or just denied them) for almost 45 years. I thought once I realized what happened things would get better but I have found lately as I've gone through therapy that the one underlying block I have is that I can't accept that younger, abused child as part of me. Sometimes I think he went back for more. Sometimes I consider him dirty and "tainted" and don't want to associate with him. I know (I mean I REALLY know) this thinking is misled and wrong. But I can't accept who I was as a 4-year old boy.

My therapist said to me one day "a four year old doesn't understand what all his body parts are for, or even the concept of a minute". Academically I know and understand this. But in my heart I wall off that poor 4-year old like he is diseased. I subconsciously dissociate myself from the effeminate (probably he was turned that way) and weak, small and frail kid. The saddest part is I know doing this compartmentalization makes me a broken, lame, incomplete human being as an adult...but I can't help it.

Any insights or words of support (or criticism) appreciated.

Phil

I think the commonality between all of our experiences is that it's hard to build an adult life when you dissociate the person you were as a child or young adult from the person you are. I can't think about myself in my early-mid teens or for significant stretches of college without going into paroxysms of self-loathing. There are many photos of myself that I've hidden or forbidden from being displayed. I always thought I could wake up one day and say, "This day, I'll be a 'better', different person", and will myself into another identity and another past. I'll disavow the person I've been and then realize I'm still that person, and hate myself. I'm starting to realize I have to at least empathize - it's a little soon for embracing - who I have been to have an emotional life around myself, much less around others.

 

[traveler]

it is a common statement in our circles - but it bears repeating - and i think it is relevant to this discussion - "it wasn't your fault."

one reason that i loathed myself so much - especially my younger self - was that i blamed him/me for "letting it happen" or "not stopping it." now i know that blame is misplaced and that the guilt is false - but it was a high and difficult barrier to get over.

i despised him/me for being weak and pathetic and damaged and infected with whatever susceptibility that made him a target and then a victim. those images and ideas were all projected or forced upon me by the perps - and since they were older, stronger, more numerous and influential and respected and popular and powerful - i accepted it all without question. i tried to distance myself if not separate myself from him in order not to become contaminated by all that i hated and feared.

i have worked hard at rejecting those lies and replacing them with truth.

now i can say that i understand him, feel compassion for him, accept him, and even love him. we "both" did the only thing we knew how to do to survive. there was a time when i felt that i needed to ask his forgiveness for rejecting and deserting him. i have forgiven myself and i feel like he has forgiven me, too.

Lee