Hate

[malitovsky1]

Last night I became very angry at my mother/abuser. About 4 - 5 months ago i became aware of repressed memories of her abuse of me. I have not confronted her and have just stayed away barely talking with her. I live in Atlanta and she in Pittsburgh about 700 miles apart. In fact I have not spoken word one to her in 2 months. Yesterday I found out that she closed an account she shared with my son and did not tell him. I think what angered me so much was that she used my son to get to me. I feel nothing but hate and contempt in my heart for her. I feel like an orphan and do not like it. I was told that hate is a strong work and that it will make me sick if I keep the hate in my heart. I think what makes me sick is living a lie. Livng abd pretending she is innocent and never did abuse me. I think that has made me sick. I think that now that I can feel the hate I have a place to move on from. It is really difficult because I feel familyless. And it bothers me more than I thought it would. Yes i have my children but I feel like I am left out in the cold from the rest of them. It feels lonely especially now at holday time. I guess that is why it seems so large right now. The holidays are here and I know that everyonoe but me will be there. I have 2 brothers who are MAMA's boys. I guess there did not experience the abuse I did. I am the oldest of three boys. My father physical abused me but not my brothers. So I figure she left them a lone too. I wonder why me and then someone will say why not you. I am sorry if I sound bitter or confused but I just spent a good hour crying last night and just feel drained today. I do not know what I am asking for. I just think I needed to write. I needed to get it out of me. It still feels shity. Sometines I think all I get is shity but I know better. When I think of my two son's I know everything is not shity. I guess I am rambling so I will quit writting.

Gary

 

[crisispoint]

Gary,

You feel what you feel, and there is nothing to be sorry about.

I do agree with you that hatred is a strong emotion, and it take alot out of you when you feel it. I'm working on getting rid of my hate and downing it toward apathy (if such a thing is possible), and I hope you can work toward it yourself.

As you said, you have a lot to be thankful for, with your sons and all. I also understand your mixed feelings. You want nothing to do with her and regret this at the same time. It can make you feel lonely. I think the best you can do is really consider her "dead" to you, and explain to your family (kids, wife? Companion? Forgive me for assuming anything) your decision. It hurts, I know, but maybe it's the most healthy thing for you.

I am thinking about you and praying for you, my brother. I wish you peace and love in the new year.

Scot

 

[phoster]

Im sorry too. My abuser was a teenage boy, but what made my life pure hell was my parents neglect. In therapy Friday, I was confronted with some real ugly facts about my life. One glaring fact is that my mother failed me. I wanted affection and attention, making my molester seem like a hero in my eyes. He lavished me with attention, and I liked it. The afterward, I continued acting out sexually to get affection and attention that my parents should have given me.

When they caught me acting out, I was punished and humiliated. Even with that glaring evidence in their face, they failed to get me help or even acknowledge that something was seriously wrong. When I fell into depression and suicidal thoughts, and withdrew from life, they failed to help me.

I am not looking forward to Christmas either. I am not sure what to feel right now. My parents just didnt know how to do the things I needed, I suppose, and I completely believe they did what they thought was right, but the bottom line is that they failed me over and over again. When I spent hours alone in the bushes with my molester, and hours acting out in the following years, no one ever checked on me. My parents failed me, failed to do their job as parents. I am angry. I am unsure how to deal with it right now, but I can understand many of your feelings. I guess anger is part of the healing process, so we need to feel our anger to move forward. Feel what you need to feel, and keep plugging away

 

[Leosha]

Gary,

I am sorry there was so much trauma and unfairness in your life, even with your parents. My brother died when I was four, so I never recall the 'favorite' thing, where one is abused and the others left alone. Both he and I were physically abused by my father, and had he lived longer, I am sure my mother would have treated him same as me. That sounds bad, but I am trying to be honest with my feelings of my mother. I love her, and I greatly hate some of the things she has done to me, and the effect they still have on me.

I sometime wish I could feel hate, openly feel it. I think it is something that feels unsafe for me to feel, and maybe some other people. It is such an extreme emotion, and I have a hard time with such extreme. I think it is brave and strong of you to be able to have that feeling, even though it feels so hard and wrong to you. I wish you luck with feeling further emotions.

Leosha