Has anyone overcome the urge to be fat?

Has anyone overcome the urge to be fat?
F

ForeverFighting

Registrant
This is an offshoot of the post on having problems with our looks by Morning Star, but I didn't want to take over his thread.

My wife said something to me last night that really surprised me. I'd wondered before, but I never thought she'd actually say it. She said she makes herself fat to keep people from looking at her. She was also SA. Her dad SA her for about 10 years along with two of her sisters. Her oldest sister deals with her body a lot like I do. I obsess with my looks and being thin. I think it's a matter of my imagined physical positive attributes as a kid being all I had to get attention. The fact was the perp would have hit anyone, but in my head if I could be beautiful, he wouldn't use me. He'd love me. All false, but we use what we have to in order to cope.

My wife is the only one of her sisters that's gone the other way. She packs on the pounds. I love her very much, and I don't really care if she's overweight, but I do worry about her health. She'd dieted and gotten in really good shape, but then she went on a trip and it's like it all went out the window. She wouldn't cooperate with her dietician anymore. She wouldn't eat the good food. I'd have a good dinner for her, and she'd eat a cheeseburger instead. I could see it happening. Last night she told me that on the way back from that trip, she ran into her brother-in-law, and he told her how beautiful she was and how good she looked thin. She says she immediately started eating to get fat again. I asked her if she felt like she was in danger, but she says it's more about just not wanting anyone to notice her at all. She says when she's fat, nobody flirts with her. She doesn't want to be fat, but she doesn't want to be flirted with even more.

So my question: I know guys here who've been down the exact same road. Has anyone figured out how to overcome it? My approach has always to try to be noticed, so I don't know what to say.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 
FF,

I'm not sure if this will help, but I know I overeat due to stress and anxiety. I will just pick and pick, and even if I am not hungry. That can really add the pounds onto you!

I really don't know what connection this has with abuse issues - I guess I am not far enough down the road to have considered that area. But it does seem to be a problem. And of course it is self-compounding. As you stress out and overeat, that makes you feel worse and you do it even more.

Much love,
Larry
 
FF,
I don't really have a solution, per se. But, I wanted to add to the list of those who are fat to hide themselves. I wasn't always fat. As a little guy, I was quite scrawny. (My six year old son is built the same way...and so, he makes me remember how I looked at his age.) But, starting around 5 y.o., I put on weight. I used to think that it was because I ate school lunches (and maybe that has something to do with it). I am the only one in my family who is fat...all my sisters and my parents are healthy looking.

But, in the last year, since I've been honestly dealing with the CSA, I realized that I started putting on weight after the first incident. I've been mostly fat ever since. I'm pretty sure it has to do with not wanting to be attractive to others (...although I'm pretty vain when it comes to my clothes, etc.) I also think it has to do with the "toad" syndrome. I blow up to look more menancing and therefore, I appear less vulnerable. It kept/keeps me out of a lot of trouble...people don't mess with me because of my size. If they only knew I am little scaredy cat inside!!

I have over the years lost weight. In high school, I got down to my specified weigh range and stayed pretty close to that through the first years of college. Those were the years that I was so comfortable with myself. It was when I thought long and hard about my identity and orientation and KNEW who I was. I wanted to be attractive and had girlfriends. After I married, I put on the most weight ever...then after about 2 years started working out...and eating right. I lost and looked good...but people noticed. When, I go cruising on my acting out escapades...guys would be interested in me. I started eating to get fat again. About six years ago, I started getting healthy again. I was on a very positive path...again, I had done a moral and mental inventory of my identity and felt pretty good about myself. I lost quite a bit of weight again. But, as soon as people started noticing me and complimenting me...I stopped eating healthy and exercising. I put on so much weight!!

As I look at it now, I see the patterns. Weight loss equals attention...and success. I can't feel worthy of either...so I sabotage it.

My new therapist hit on something at our first session last week. He talked about the parts of me...the head, the heart and the gut (for lack of a better term). He said that when one of them gets hurt...we freeze that portion of us and over-compensate with the others. He pointed out that I was overweight and hinted that it was my gut (or physical mechanism) way of over-compensating for the hurt in my heart. It made sense. My goal with him is to unlock my heart which was hurt when I was 4 y.o. by my cousin (and subsequent others). In doing that, I hope to be able to free my other parts (mind and gut) to be normal. Maybe, I can truly become the whole person I was meant to be.

Wow! I was moved by the original thread but I didn't realize I had so much to say!! Sorry for the long rambling post. Like I said, I'm not sure that I have the answers but maybe there's a nugget of helpfulness in my story.

Take care and have a good weekend!!
tx_space
 
i have been dealing with over weight issues my whole life. at 57, i believe the best thing a spouse can do is love and accept and ultimatly, ignore. we have to heal ourselves, or not. it is extraordinarily difficult to see someone you love hurting themselves. (in this case with the negative effects of obesity). you can not insure a long healthy life for her, but you help her have a wonderful today. blessings upon you both. bob
 
Wow, both really good, helpful posts. It makes so much sense. My wife and I talked about how thin I was when we got married. I was literally a walking skeleton until I had a few years of therapy. I remember in therapy beginning to feel a little better about myself, and the weight came. I was still so thin, but I mean hitting 120 pounds was like I had failed at controlling my life. It felt like I ate normal, and even my wife says it seemed like I ate normal although she wasn't around me all the time. But it had to be some kind of eating disorder. I don't know.

I support my wife no matter what weight. I never bring it up, and I don't care what happens, she's beautiful to me. This is just the first time ever that she's brought it up and said she would like to change. And I had nothing to offer as help. Tex, your experience is so familiar.
As soon as people started noticing me and complimenting me...I stopped eating healthy and exercising. I put on so much weight!!
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When I lose my feelings of acceptance, like I'm an OK person, that's when it hits me. But the opposite--tofu, no fat, leave half my meals, excercise books and tight shirts. My wife has to stop me and tell me how weird I'm acting. My wife, on the other hand, does exactly what you're saying. Whenever she stands out in a crowd, out comes the black clothing and the donuts. And being SA myself, I understand that, even if it's different from my way of dealing with my past. But maybe it's still like what you're saying. Acceptance. Becoming the people we were meant to be. But kalimi, I can't let her go too far. Without her I would die.
 
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