Originally posted by fhorns:
It's basically when a parent makes a child fill the void that was left when the other parent left. This INCLUDES their sexual desires. Well, that's some of it, and it's affected me with guilt, shame (bad), feeling like dirt, etc., etc., etc., ad finitum.
I need to hear from those who may have grappled with it.
i've been in individual/group/couples therapy for the past year for clinical depression and a failing marriage. for about the last 2 months my individual sessions have revolved almost entirely around emotional incest. upon my therapist's recommendation, i'm going thru the paperback
the emotional incest syndrome: what to do when a parent\'s love rules your life .
if you aren't aware of this book, i'd go out and get it. it's apparently pretty popular (how unfortunate, but i guess it's "good" to know that we're not alone) because it was on the shelf at a local bookstore. albeit i couldn't find it so i had to ask the clerk ... and the expression on his face was less than enthusiastic when i told him the title.
regardless, i'm looking for parallels between my childhood and my current situation using the book. the first 1-2 sessions were my therapist clobbering me over the head so i could see me now and seeing the dysfunction back then. now i've got a highlighter and post-its all over the book, finding clues to all of the dysfunction that was and still is a part of my life.
i grew up thinking dad was the alcoholic oaf who beat my brother and sister and couldn't hold down a steady job, while my mother walked on water and single-handedly kept our family together. i was the "chosen child" aka the "little prince", 10 years younger than my brother & sister, and given everything i wanted. or so i thought.
from your post, it sounds like your emotional incest began when your parents separated. my parents are still married, or at least living in the same house while being relatively civil to one another. my father was on the road a lot before i was born, and the info that i've received is that he cheated on my mother during that time. then i came along, the ideal repository for my mother to redirect her "love". i was cute, intelligent and captive, er, i mean
available.
my brother and sister were each bought one bike by my parents; my parents bought me 3. my sister sent herself to college; my parents took care of my tab. the list could go on & on. however, understand that my use of the term "parents" is a red herring. mom had the steady job, kept the checkbook, and took care of the bills. she was all 3 branches of government in our house while dad was a straw man. so when things were bought by my parents, it was really mom. one of the lucky things about her power and our being enmeshed was that she finally threatened my dad if he ever harmed me. he never did. if the bikes created jealousy between me and my siblings, i'm certain the fact that mom shielded me from dad's abuse was far greater.
mother's day this past weekend was pretty rough. literally. my brother was the "forgotten child". he barely passed high school, got his girlfriend pregnant and has worked in a factory all of his life. he used to lash out at me--even as a young adult--under the guise of
boys being boys. now that we're grown and it wouldn't be quite right to rough me up in the living room on mother's day, he goes after my 4 year old daughter. he made her cry 3 times on sunday, scooping her up and tossing her around. because i grew up that way, i didn't even recognize it before this weekend as his repressed jealousy. i'm curious to bring my dog along next time to see if i can rouse the same type of semi-violent acts.
i have to figure out some way of being tactful to end it because it's so far out of line that i want to turn into BER DAD and bust him in the chops.
what the hell are you thinking?!? but understanding that it's rooted in his jealousy of my getting preferred treatment as a child, i also want to clear this up without making it worse.
thankfully there was never any physical incest between my mother and myself. but there certainly was quite a bit on the emotional side.
please continue to post or email me. i'm interested in having somebody to share the journey--and the recovery--with.
