Has anyone else felt this way? (Possible triggers)

Has anyone else felt this way? (Possible triggers)
A

Arthur

Registrant
I struggle with desires to self sabotage, often when things are going well or when I'm doing more healing and growing from SA. The question in my title to this post has to do with HOW I sabotage myself.
I am learning a lot about myself and my body from the training I am receiving to become a massage therapist. I am taking better care of my body and have learned several things I can do to help my body have a better posture rather than slouch in depression and self dislke, carry excess weight to make me less attractive to potential molesters, and just feel better about myself physically and mentally. This is a lot of good stuff. At the same time all this good stuff is going on I find myself, more often than usual, wanting to go back and be the little boy who was molested and to have the man who molested me molest me again. I'm NOT talking about wanting an adult gay relationship because I don't want to be an adult, I want to be a little boy and do whatever he would tell (or make) me to do. The man who molested me was seductive and not physically painful. I was a very lonely child and felt unloved and like I was an obligation. I had parents who (I know this as an adult in 20/20 hindsight) didn't show or say their love (because they'd had their own unhealed childhood abuses) They couldn't love me like I needed to be loved so I was ripe pickings for a molester especially one who made my body feel pleasure as he used me.
I won't say what I do to myself in lieu of having another person involved but I always feel disgusted and discouraged afterwards and lately I'm doing this more frequently than I have done in a very long time.
I believe I am, by the healthy actions I am taking, challenging the attitudes and modes of behavior I have used for years to survive life.
I want to live life, not just survive!
I am planning to go back for some more therapy and see if that helps me turn this stumbling block of mine into a stepping stone.
This stuff is so sick!
 
Hi Art,

OOOUUU....gentle man, gentle. Try not to call anything "sick" because you're calling that "little boy" sick since he's the one who feels the loss of whatever seemed good to him even though it was abuse.

It's going to be a huge step for that part of you to let go of all that. Remember his deep feeling of loneliness as a boy in his family. Try not to expect him to let go of anything until the adult you has provided him with healthier alternatives. And even then, support him with compassion as he works his way through it so he doesn't feel like a failure.

I can remember in my own recovery how difficult it was getting out of the clutches of repetitive patterns of behavior that I would sink back into. I would keep reenacting what was done to me, compulsively, because when I'd get similar feelings I'd get so ashamed that I couldn't reach out to others to help me interrupt the pattern.

Whether it feels like it or not, you're really moving forward beautifully. Be gentle with your self...your whole self.

Taz
 
Art,

my parents never showed me attention, and like you i was drawn to being molested, and this is also hindsight naturally. i came to realize i liked it because i needed the affection and attention i got. i kept acting out, for those same reasons. part of me also wants to recapture that in some way today.

i dont think such things ever totally go away. what i've learned is how to live comfortably with that part of my sexuality, to embrace it as something that makes me unique. i've learned to make healthier choices on how i express it all, but the underlying drives and tastes never completely go away. i focus on being proud for making good choices and sacrifices, and let go of some of the shame and guilt.

i guess i say off of this to let you know you arent alone, and that you can rise above it, by changing some, accepting some, and focusing on the possitives.

take care. jeff
 
Art,

I have had some bouts with old behaviors that I know are unhealthy and self destructive. When I first met with my T, she warned me that old habits would tempt me again.

It makes sense. They were the mechanisms I had for dealing with the pain. When I began slipping out from behind denial's shield, I turned to them.
I believe I am, by the healthy actions I am taking, challenging the attitudes and modes of behavior I have used for years to survive life.
Click to expand...
I believe it, too, for you, for me, for everyone who has the courage to issue such challenges. Now I try to focus on the good, how long I go without those behaviors. I do not always succeed, but I keep trying. So long as I will try, I can hope.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Art,

The answer to the question is, "Yes!". I felt that way for years and years. I was seduced too by an older boy. I too wanted the attention and what I thought was love. I too went back for more because I so wanted the attention and some of it felt good. I too tried to re-create some of the 'feel good' scenarios in my adult life that left me feeling used, useless, guilty and ashamed afterwards.

When I finally got strong enough to veiw the abuse for what it was, to see how it happened, what actually happened and how my response was perfectly plausable for an eleven year old boy, I was able to change. My progress was slower than I wanted but it was progress none the less. I slipped back a few times and I might again in the future, but I'm much more aware of how I feel, what causes me to feel the urge to 'act out' and how to reward myself for all of my good behaviour.

Be easy on yourself and take good care of yourself, it does get better.

Steve
 
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