Hard to trust my family

[Hajimaoppa]

I often feel that I am the only sane one in the family now that my mom has passed away. I am back in Korea and feeling back in the old feelings again. They never went away but here they are stronger because most of what happened to me was here.

I was kidnapped and forced to have a relationship with my cousin. She is older than I and by me being a very shy but trusting person I was easily manipulated by her. I was tortured for 6 months and ended up producing a son with her.

Just some background, I'm adopted and this has been justification for my abusers to think that what they do to me is ok since I am not of bloodline. I have been abused many times even before adoption but I have had 3 abusers that were female. My cousin, my sister, and my ex-girlfriend. I have had an equal amount of male attention as well but I think it is because I'm timid and a pushover.

I am mentally tired to express this alone so I will go for now.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Hajimaoppa,

I am very sorry for what brought you here, and for your mother's recent passing. It may not feel so great talking about any of it, but as you are able and you feel comfortable to do so, sharing can take some pressure off.

I know what it is like to feel like the only sane member of your family. As I started to get therapy and pursue healing, I began to see more clearly the family dysfunction. It can get lonely. I also had to cut my only brother off because he is abusive.

Do you have any trusted people you can talk to outside the immediate family? I have a few, not too many but every little bit helps, I find.

Sincerely,

Chris

 

[SubtleStuff]

Congratulations for reaching out for support Hajimaoppa!

It is, in my experience, a crucial step in creating relationships where a person can feel safe. I'm feeling much safer these days, but I've spent a great deal of energy and time healing myself and creating connections that felt safe to me. MaleSurvivor has been a key source of support for me. Once I had that established I could start to challenge patterns that I developed in early youth and see whether they had any foundation in truth any more or not.

You are off to a good start. I hope you continue to explore opportunities to create a safe sense of community around you.

Cheers,

Garth

 

[Esterio]

Hi Hajimaoppa

Please except my condolences for the passing of your Mother. I am sorry to hear you have no family to trust. I have the same with my immediate family. I only has a sister left alive, She has been fighting with me for 10 years now. She tells everyone how bad of a person I am and that she hates me. She has to kids that she treated badly and then abandoned them. Her kids are bitter and hate there Mom. She has a violent vindictive past. I have nothing to do with them now. I also have no communications with my cousin's that live in the same town as me. it is their choice I gave up trying to have relations with them. They know I am struggling but have not heard from one of them for 2 years now not long after my Mom past away.

I did something the other day kind of by accident. I was emailing with my only Uncle still alive. We have been emailing quite a bit. Conversation came to health he started that topic and then asked about me. I told him that I had been diagnosed with PTSD 20 years ago and that was upgraded to cPTSD last year. They also said I have most likely struggling most of my life. He then asked me if I know where it came from. I told him a lot leaving out stuff that was getting to personal, graphic and hard for me to disclose. It was a long email.

Then I get a reply from him asking if it would be ok if he's forward it to his kids. They have always liked me a lot since I spent a winter with then when I was 22. I told him I didn't know how I felt about that. I was not think about telling anyone in the family it is extremely personal. I asked if he could wait and let me sleep on it. He was ok with that, the next day I gave him permission to forward to his family so long as they would resect my privacy in this and not get all sympathetic with me. I am working on this my way I have a team looking after me and I am not in danger.

It was a big move on my part I think to let that out. I am hoping they prove to me they can be trusted. I am not sure if I feel good or bad about it. I kind of feel maybe I just put a bunch more personal support in my corner. I hope so, If I was a person that was able to pray I would. It can be very difficult to trust even family. I have lost a lot by trusting people.

I am glad you are here and hope you find it as helpful and supportive in this place as I have. It is a big bold step to reach out for help. You are not alone in this by any means and it was not your fault.

Esterio