Hard to show love

Hard to show love
T

T22

Registrant
My first post here. Right now I'm seperated from my wife simply because she's tired of trying to love a man who can't freely show his love towards her. I have a real hard time trusting and giving and receiving love from people, especially romantice love. I think its because it associate people's love and intimacy with the sexual abuse from my childhood. My mother dated many men who abused me sexually when I was little.
Does anyone have a hard time showing thier love, like giving hugs, touching, cuddling? And has anyone ever gotten over it to be able to freely and with trust give love the one you love? Man, I'd love to chat with someone who is like me. I live in Ohio and I don't think there's a group around the columbus or Dayton area.
Since I've moved out and away from my wife, I hate to say this, but my depression has pretty much gone away. I don't have to worry about the whole intimacy thing now. That's so sad though. I've tried to explain it to my wife, it's like I'm in a cage. I love her but something inside me keeps me hidden. I want to be free and be able to love. I think she's tired of trying to find me. She's stopped looking. I can't blame her because she's a woman who deserves to be loved openly and honestly without reservation.

Anyway, anyone else like me?
 
T22,

Welcome, and yeah, i can certainly relate to what your talking about, i am also seperated from my wife and we are getting going on the divorce thing. I guess for me i noticed that i was just not able to be as affectionate with her as she would have liked me too. I dont really understand all the why's about how things were i just know that for the last five years i felt sad because i knew she was hurting because i did not treat her the way she expected a man in love with her to treat her. She took the position that something was wrong with me, I took the position that i just was not capable of loving her the way she needed to be loved, and i dont really think that means anything is wrong with me or her, just some individual needs and abilities that dont match up very well.

Intimacy has always been a bit of a struggle for me, but you know what, thats who i am, and thats ok, i keep plugging away at it.

This is a good place, i am glad your here.

John
 
I guess I have been starting to be accepting of myself in that I'm simply not an affectionate, huggy kind of guy. And that's fine to accept that of myself. But when you love someone, don't you think, that sometimes we need to put another's wants and desires ahead of our own? That's where the problem lies with me. I don't have the capacity to be that person that freely loves and is affectionate because of the abuse. I would like to change the way I am. I think people are designed to like affection. So, to say "well, this is the way I am, tough" just isn't good enough for me. That is a little selfish and doesn't seem very loving to me. That is like saying, "I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to get drunk, tough". I don't want to be this way. I want to be able to love my wife and give to her want she needs because I love her. But we keep hitting the same wall over and over again. She's done hitting the wall. She needs to go on with her life even though it is without me. Man this is sad. I don't want to accept this part of me that was damaged by another person. I want to conquer it. But I think its too late for us, it may not be too late for me.
 
love is for the others,intimacy is still sex to me, love is an older man taking a child in to the woods and fucking his sanity away, love hurts, love will take everything from you, whats the big fucking deal over love, love love love love love say it enough and it still means nothing.
 
T22,

I agree with you, maybe i sounded a little flippant in my last post but let me assure you i reached those conclusions through great struggle and pain, with a huge amount of grief and sadness, i have never been one to *settle* for *good enough* not yet anyways, but like your wife mine decided she needed more and it was time for her to move on without me, it was and is a tough one for me to accept. Like you said, for me and my wife it is too late and i am not giving up on myself either, just trying not to crucify myself for crap that was shoved into my life by my abuser.

As far as putting anothers needs ahead of our own, i tried that for years with my wife and i still do it all over the place in my life, i ended up being a people pleaser in a lot of areas and it too has caused me grief, i have been taking a hard look at that part of myself for some time and trying to make some changes, its a battle to change, i try to take comfort in that i am not giving up.

One thing that caught my eye was the line where you wrote "well, this is the way I am, tough" in my life that line reads "this is the way i am, i wish it wasn't so, it's so sad, i am sorry, but for now, this is where i am, i wish i could do more, i wish i could be different, *cries*" its not easy to verbalize, live, accept or anythig else, it hurts.

John
 
Thunderbolt,

I am sorry to hear that life has been so harsh for you and that you have apparently chosen to give up hope on ever finding love, that makes me sad to hear.

John
 
giving up is a hard one to swollow, i have an idea that might help you with my picture of hope, when god finaly calls my number and im standing in front of him,he reads my list of good and bad,(i already know the tally) he will look me in the eyes and ask if i have some thing to say, i will ask for his forgivness,and thank him for the time he gave me to walk among the humans,for the opprotunity of carrying the pain that others dont have to bear,and for being so mercyfull to give me the time to stand on the steps of heven and hell to be judged, i cannot say if hope is even mine but i will hold it if it were a gift,as fragal as glass. thanks for asking like alwise good luck....
 
Thunderbolt,

I have to keep in touch with hope myself, without it sometimes there is nothing good in sight.

I do think of it as a gift, and it holds a lot of power in my life, it keeps me in touch with the many possibilities that face me every day and helps me to find my way.

I wish you well, my friend,

John
 
this conunicated stuff im thinking isnt to bad, im overwhemed each time i post, its vary differnt to see that im payed attention to,for other reasons, but most of the time i get this ach in the top of my head like its going to blow off, i get worried that my sanity is being breched and a meltdown is inevitable.
 
i too am having problems showing affection to my wife. she says this is my main problem. sexually im fine. its just all that mushy stuff that to me is overrated that women expect. im living in an apartment mostly because i slept with yet another woman.i feel trapped. i dont want to communicate,im constantly putting her down and im verbally abusive. i have an i hate everyone attitude unless i need something. pretty crummy. im fighting the demons. im not sure who's winning.
 
Hey, Silentnomore, my wife thinks the same thing, I'm sure, that showing affection is my biggest problem. I'd give anything for her to know that it's nothing personal, it's just the way I am wired because of the things that have happend to me. Even if I hadn't been abused and associate affection with being molested, I still might not have been a huggy kind of guy or a physical, romantic kind of guy. We'll never know. I agree that it's over rated, especially in the movies. It kind of makes me mad when I see a guy pouring himself all over a woman, because they make it shown as something natural and easy. It's not for me. Let's keep in touch.
 
i told my wife some of my rules, i said if she is support then act like it, fuck how many times do i just do as im told around the house, shit she could give me this, after 20 yrs take it or fucking leave it, shit dam hell, you dont want this you dont want that, im not what you expect hell your not what i expect, she told me her rules and we work togather on both, i dont know if shes realy that glad but you know shes a fucking hand full,
 
I was looking for old posts for something and saw this one, it relates to some of the stuff we were talking about the past couple days. OK, so you;re not touchy feely, but there are ways you can show you love your wife without cuddles and hug and whatever. You use to do that stuff probably when you started dating, you know how to do it. Write her a note or a poem, buy her something, suprise her with something. I know we all get caught up in our problems and we have some BIG problems, I know, but that doesn;t give us the right to ignore our loved ones and pretend their needs don;t count. And if you do something nice for your wif once i a while it;ll make you feel better about yourself. Trust me. Try to see yourself through her eyes. there;s a reason she married you. Giveing her a little something in return won;t kill you. Try it.
 
ya she married the wild boy and boy is she going to change him, let see alcoholic, drug addic, sex addic, rage aholic, emotionless, soulless, uncoth, dejected, thoughtless, lets just go to wild dog , and dont forget bent for hell in one bound, what did she see in me, oh that cool person who had it all to gather ya thats the one, the fake, and she has to settle for this,dis-function...
wineing and dinning that will fix it...
and ill keep takeing the pills for the day and hope i never sleep again, shell be real happy, through these posts i dont see the future turning out to dam good.....
ive only been married once and some times thats a bitch, this recovery stuff has to work, i dont see anything else, some times i confuse asking for help with pity, the game should have ended when i found out i got fucked......
 
Hey, Big Bear, what you're saying is cool, however, after 17 years one would hope that your relationship would change and grow and mature, right? Surely you wouldn't want your marriage to always look like you're in the dating stage. Here's what I hear you saying... let's say someone is crippled. And then you say to them, "Go ahead walk, it would hurt you". The person you're speaking this too is thinking, "Man, I'd give anything to be able to walk". maybe through therapy, time, and a lot of hard work the guy might walk. Please don't make it sound like the guy doesn't want to walk. Please don't make it sound like I don't want to give and receive love. I'd give anything to be that guy that my wife needs. I can't be that guy. I need someone to love me and accept me the way I am, and she needs someone to be able to love her and give her what she needs. I can't love her the way she needs love, and she can't be the person to not be loved the way she needs it. So, there's two really messed up people. Two people who love each other but are trapped in what they can and can't do. If I were to use your reasoning on her it would sound like this, "Just love him anyway, I know he really loves you, he just can't show it the way you need it. He's just a little abused boy trapped in this man body and is hiding... love him anyway and put up with a life of little affection. It won't hurt". Let me know what you think.
 
I can only speak from my own experience. There were things I could never do for my wife but all along I knew there were other little things I could of done. That would of been better then nothing. There were little things I did for other people but not for my wife. Why did I treat her worse then I treated other people? It;s not like I ever forgot her birthday or anniversery but still there were other things I could of done for her all along, little things. I gave more courtisies to other peopole then I did to my wife, the person I love most.

I live outside Manchester New Hampshire. I still feel real protective of my kids even though their teenagers so I never put my home here before. I talked myself through though and said that nobody;s gonna track my kids down just because they know what state I live in. I was thinking about that for awhile, this was a big step but it feels ok.
 
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