Hard to be angry with my abuser


I'm quite sure I'm not the only one who finds themselves in this position. Despite the fact my abuser was a sadist I find it hard to get angry at her.

Is this because of her grooming? Is it because I was so desperate for attention at the time willing to hang on to anything?

All I feel is a sense of betrayal from her. She groomed me she got me attracted to her. And Then she shows her real colors.

I have every right to be angry, in fact that would be normal. She humiliated me, berated me and physically abuse me. My only question is why?

On a logical level I realize it was just grooming she really didn't care for me maybe only for a soul that she could hurt. A thing with emotions that she could manipulate and cause anguish.

Thing is you only feel betrayal from people you trust and love. It's been over 40 years and some places on my body still have scars. Yet my own question is why.

Like it's something I did wrong but I know it's not true, I know it's not logical. But that's the thing with emotions it's all about how you feel. Logic sometimes has very little to do with it.

The Bluefoot

I also wonder about my abuser. He is long dead and die slowly of diabetes. But I did go a long with it. I had a choice or did I. I was the troop scribe, and to me that was a powerful job. I had the Troop records, the troop history in my hands. That job shaped me. And if I wanted to keep it, I had to do as the scoutmaster said even thou it was uncomfortable, embarrassing, hard to do, and painful.

I held the job for 2.5 years longer than any other until this day I loved the job and was proud of it. Hated the abuse. I have mixed feelings of the Boy Scouts. I learned a lot and grow up somewhat. But in sexual means I grow up to fast. and I think i be better off if I was not abused.

I spoke to 2 of the 9 other boys that I knew I were abused with me and they claim nothing ever happened.
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I feel sad about what happened to me. I feel scared when I think about specific incidences. I feel shame when I think about my part in it and sometimes when my body reacts even at memories.

I hardly feel anger.

When I started facing my memories and taking about abuse, my father talked to my brother (abuser) behind my back about my claims. The way he did it undermined my story and even led my perpetrator to laugh at me again. My sense of betrayal was immense, and that's the main thing I associate anger with.

I don't feel angry with my brother for raping me or my mother for molesting me, but I would feel angry at anyone else for doing that to someone.