Hard Times

karin4him

Registrant
My husband’s porn addiction has escalated to the point that he is now looking at gay BDSM porn and reading gay erotica when he’s sitting in the same room with me. I’ve started working with a therapist. We started working on ways for me to accept and help him find ways of being sexually satisfied in our marriage. I feel like I’m the only one trying and I think it is time to start working on a new life for me without him. I can’t save our marriage by myself. He can be so kind, loving and caring one minute, but then have no control over hurting me the next. I’m just tired of it all! Trying to be supportive and strong for him and he continues down this dark path.
 
Karin I am so sorry for what you are going through. Though I am married I looked at gay porn for many years. I have learned now that it had nothing to do with my wife sexually satisfying me. The porn I looked at paralleled what happened to me as a child. Six months ago when I got into therapy I started looking at violent porn imagining myself being victimized in increasingly shocking ways. The therapy exposed my self hatred and the violent porn reinforced that.

As I have forgiven myself and began to feel compassionate toward my younger self I have given up porn. For the first time in my life my same sex attraction has wained

I mention all that just to say it is nothing u are doing or not doing.
I commend your for caring about your husband while also realizing the need to care for yourself.
 

karin4him

Registrant
Thank you, I so wish my husband would be willing to work on this, but he won’t. May you find joy and peace.
 
He has to be willing to get help. FYI, eroticizing the abuse (viewing BDSM porn which most likely is paralleling his abuse) is EXTEREMLY common with CSA Survivors - often without ever seeing the connection. After coming on this site, i saw how common it was and then it informed my own struggles.
 

Healing light

Registrant
It really does take two in a relationship I'm sorry for what you face and I thank you for sharing I truly do because it illuminates for me how the other party feels I need that

Because I Feel a total hypocrite saying that first line when I'm not pulling my side of my relationship off very good

i watch gay porn , it's a step forward from being a serial cheat with men I say that because of the need to be totally honest with myself to move forward not because I'm in anyway flippant about what I have done
I don't know really why I do I actually wish I did. I know it's no reflection of how happy I am in our relationship or of my partner ( who's actually pregnant). Sometimes I really wonder especially just writing that what she's doing with me but she reckons thinking like that don't get me anywhere

my relationship has boundaries my partner has expressed and you are entitled to have those one of those is me going to therapy

i don't try to be hurtful doesn't mean what I do isn't hurtful

the ripples of abuse are endless so many people are effected either directly or indirectly , it's really sad

thanks for giving me the opportunity to share
remember your important , your happiness , your peace it's very important

i wish you both peace in your journey
HL
 

karin4him

Registrant
Healing light,
Thank you for the reply. I hope and pray you get the help you deserve and the freedom and peace from your abuse.
 

Toodles

Registrant
Thank you, I so wish my husband would be willing to work on this, but he won’t. May you find joy and peace.
We seem to have some of the same struggles. If not the same circumstances, then certainly the same feeling about the subject/issue
 
I feel like I’m the only one trying and I think it is time to start working on a new life for me without him. I can’t save our marriage by myself.
I am a survivor who went through my recovery beginning some 17 years ago. I experienced some of the same issues you describe your significant other as experiencing. Having been through that, and now being on the recovered side of it, may I suggest that the only course you may have available to you is drawing a line in the sand and stating the consequences should those things continue? Yes, that will make you the bad guy, but then you also get to keep your self-respect and hopefully he will as well. Just my thoughts having been through it.
 

Trapped765

Registrant
Karin4him I am sorry you are going through this, but this is a good place to not be slone.

As an abuse survivor from the age of 2 I had many things mixed up. One of these is that sex equates LOVE. I for many years would have sex with some one because they said they liked me or loved me. Even if we literally just met. Could this be the driving force behind it.
 

karin4him

Registrant
Karin4him I am sorry you are going through this, but this is a good place to not be slone.

As an abuse survivor from the age of 2 I had many things mixed up. One of these is that sex equates LOVE. I for many years would have sex with some one because they said they liked me or loved me. Even if we literally just met. Could this be the driving force behind it.
Thanks for the reply. I would actually be happy if that was the driving force. It would at least be some explanation but since he’s not willing to discuss it, then there’s no t much room for hope.
 
You are a trooper Karin4him. It is good you're seeing a therapist so you don't get lost in your husband's obsession. He's really trapped and it doesn't seem he is ready to take an honest look at what is happening. If he did he would know the pain he's causing you and would take action. I acted out sexually with each of my four wives, always in secret. I hadn't remembered anything about the sexual abuse when I was a boy but I knew my behavior was wrong. I felt great shame, but I had no sense of what I needed to do to change it. I even spent six years in therapy but the fact of the abuse was so deeply buried we couldn't find it. Each of those marriages ended in divorce and at least for the first three I felt relief... telling them they were better off without me. I still believed I was nothing more than a piece of shit.

I've no idea what will help your husband but I do know that it would be a profound shame if you lost your life to his obsession. Your therapy really can't be about what he needs but rather about what you need. If you need honesty and fidelity, which aren't impossible things to expect from a spouse and he is incapable of responding... The fact he was sexually abused is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. It may be that for him to take a serious look at what he is doing, he will need to experience a real loss. Obviously, this is your life and you haven't asked any of us to give you directions. At the same time, the fact you're posting on this website tells me you want to hear from men who've carried the burden of sexual trauma. I hope what you're reading is useful for you and can help you find peace of mind and aliveness. Life is too short to be lost in pain and regret.
 
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