HARD CORE

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HARD CORE

I'VE BEEN READING MOST OF THE DAY IN HERE AND AM ASTONISHED AT THE STORIES I READ. SOME HAVE HAD IT VERY HARD AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO THEM. IT HELPS TO READ THE STORIES. I'VE JUST ADMITTED WHAT HAPPENED TO ME 18 YEARS AGO TODAY. MY WIFE SAYS IT EXPLAINS ALOT. I WONDER IF I CONFRONTED MY PAST TO LATE TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE & FAMILY. I HOPE NOT. I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT REALLY BEING THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEMS. OR I HAVE BUT RAN AWAY FROM IT INSTANTLLY AND DID A LITTLE SELF MEDICATING. SO MANY BROKEN HOMES, FAMILYS, & MEN. ROBBED OF INNOCENTS & YOUTH. IT HAPPENED ONCE TO ME, I COULDN'T IMAGINE SOME OF THE STORIES I READ. I BLOCKED IT OUT FOR YEARS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. SCARED TO DEATH TO TELL A THERPIST OR SOMEONE LIKE THAT. STILL FEEL DISCUSTGING & DIRTY. GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR LETTING THAT HAPPEN TO ME. I KNOW IT WASN'T MY FAULT BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE IT WAS. I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING MORE. I SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT HARDER. IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN ALL THE PAIN THAT F***ER CAUSED ME I WOULD HAVE DIED THAT NIGHT TRYING TO GET OUT. I HAVEN'T EVER TALKED OR WROTE THIS MUCH EVER. I TRUELLY HATE THAT MAN AND WISH THE WORST FOR HIM. LIKE TO FIND HIM. FACE HIM AGAIN NOW THAT I'M A MAN. I WONDER IF HE WOULD EVEN RECOGNIZE ME NOW. NOT THAT LITTLE 13 YEAR OLD ANYMORE.
 
Just Me,

Welcome to NOMSV. If you have read some of the posts here, you realize that what you are going through or feeling is not unusual. It is comforting to know that you are not alone, but try not to get too "comfortable". You probably have a lot of work ahead of you.

Anger, guilt and shame are the ememy. It is wonderful that you able to tell your wife, but please don't wait too long to start "fighting" the enemy. It feels like such a relief to be able to tell someone about it, and even better to have a supportive partner, but you still have to deal with the anger, guilt and shame. Please give therapy some serious consideration as soon as possible.

Good Luck and God Bless,

Brian
 
Just Me --
I am the wife of a survivor and had a similar response to my husband's SA experiences as your wife, "It explains alot."

Both of you definitely need to talk to a therapist separately and together. You might ask your wife to go along as support if you think that it will help you open up and tell your story to the therapist.

Our marriage had been tested and even strenghtened by our struggle with the after effects of SA. I loved him deeply for a long time (over 22 years) before all this trauma came to light, but I am truly amazed at his inner toughness to have survived this horror. To have lived thru this cruelty and still be such a good and decent man is a miracle. I think all of the survivors I've met on this forum are MIRACLES of the human spirit!!!

You talked of knowing that 'you are not at fault' BUT still FEELING you are somehow to blame. It can be the longest road to travel, that distance between you head and your heart. Try reading the post called 'Cleaning Out the Attic', this poem has helped my husband begin to "buy in to the feeling" that the shame he has carried for years was NEVER his. He was a small boy and he did his best by just surviving this Hell.

Spend you energy on your personal healing and saving your marriage. Right now trying to locate the perp :( and take actions against him will distract you from your primary goal of ]keeping your family together.
If you wife needs another SA partner to talk with please have her email me

[email protected] .
Take care, babs
 
Thats good u wrote this much. abuse from ur father is such a betrayal. when my father penetrated me, all i could think of was killing him. and when he was done, he was so scared i would tell. and when i threatened to, he said i would be taken away. and he raped me once again, mentally. go ahead and let it out. this is good forum. the hate and rage and disgust. we are all with you.
 
It is great you are here in order to get some answers from others who have experienced some trauma like yourself.

My story is much the same although different.

Your not alone and if you will accept here is a hug.

DJ
 
Brix, DJ:
Please note that the posting here before yours are from 2001. I don't think the previous posters are around here anymore but maybe this is a useful thread to generated new comments.
 
Welcome to our support site Brix, glad that you found us. Ken is right, this is a much older topic, but since you are new here we will overlook it. I think that you will find us to be a caring and understanding bunch of guys who will be willing to believe you. We are all here working together to try to find our freedom. Hope that we can help you work towards your freedom too.

Welcome aboard!!!

Mark
 
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