Hapy happy happy

Hapy happy happy
T

TRACYUK

Registrant
Clarity

My partner has reclaimed his sexual identity. :D :D :D

After 17 years of cottaging my partner has finally made sense of why. His therapist asked him how he felt if, when he went to those places there was noone there. Answer.. exactly the same. The tidalwave of emotions were not triggered by another man, they were triggered by him putting himself in a physical situation that so closely resembled that he was in when he was nine years old.

He described it as a depthcharge going off as he realised the men made no real difference.

He is joyful (cant see a gremlin that looks joyful) He is piecing together his life and it is making sense to him. Words to describe how much I love him don't exist in my literary world.

If this doesn't make sense to anyone else it doesn't really matter. It makes sense to him and it makes sense to me.

Peace and joy all

Tracy
 
I've just reread my post above and hope it doesn't sound anti gay in any way.
For a man who has always wanted women but has beaten himself up all his life because he thought he was drawn to men to finally realise for himself that he was drawn to a situation and not the men is profound.

He could rationalise that it was the abuse he was recreating but his own realistion has let him BELIEVE that that is the case.

He feels liberated. But its not in any way a liberation from being gay, its liberation from a lifetime of doubt.

Peace and joy

Tracy
 
Tracy,

That's really good to hear that a breakthrough has been made. You both really deserve it and I bet that feels great! :)

Acting out is so often about recreating a dangerous situation, but one where we are in control (in some way at least). I'm so glad he is seeing that.

I don't read your post as anti-gay at all. Your partner is a straight man who has been abused and was terrified he has been "turned gay". The point isn't about judgment of gays, but rather his FEAR of being gay. If that's his fear, then sure, it has to be addressed. That's what therapy is for: to help us confront our fears and break their power to harm us or hold us back.

Take care,
Larry
 
Tracy,

Hooray for a good day! I've come to see that any step forward is cause for celebration, but this one is pretty big for both of you. I'm so happy to see you so happy.

I shouldn't even stop by here while I'm at work 'cause all I want to do is read and post. *bad trish* I've got to fly and earn my pay, but I wanted to tell you hooray!

;) ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Tracy, thanks for sharing that with us-- I know this has been a source of tension for you both-- and the conversation with his therapist is a great illustration of how acting out is always about what's going on in the survivor's head.

So what are you doing online? Go with him and celebrate! :)

SAR
 
Tracy
After 17 years of cottaging my partner has finally made sense of why. His therapist asked him how he felt if, when he went to those places there was noone there. Answer.. exactly the same. The tidalwave of emotions were not triggered by another man, they were triggered by him putting himself in a physical situation that so closely resembled that he was in when he was nine years old.
Click to expand...
That paragraph is SO important that it needs repeating to every guy acts out with other guys.

I'd never looked at it in quite that way before, and it's exactly as your fella says - it was the whole process that was important, not the fumbling about that passed for 'sex'.

I never really thought about the times that I went cottaging and didn't find anyone else, the majority of times. But thinking about it now, I got maybe 99% of my kicks - or whatever it was I went looking for - by the simple act of just going to the public toilets ready for 'action'.
The dissapointment wasn't actually that bad, I think I just put it down to bad luck and started thinking / fantasising about the next time.

Thanks for making that point, it's something else to help me figure out "why ?"

Dave
 
Well Dave after all the support and help you've given me and by proxy my partner I'm chuffed to bits if this has helped you any! I tried to PM you yesterday but youre postbox was full.

His therapist has also given him some advise about nutrition, on the basis that years and years of living an extreamly stressful fight or flight existance can lead to some serious natural biochemical deficiencies in the brain.

Apparantly one of these is dopamine which produces adrenaline, so no dopamine no natural adrenaline.

He feels, from reading some of the literature, that his situation hasn't been helped by his being all out of adrenaline ie; cottaging became even more addictive because his body craved adrenaline and that sort of situation gave it him in bucket loads.

He thinks its helping him in some small but not insignificant way, to not crave the adrenaline rush by eating this diet which promotes natural adrenaline.

None of it is rocket science its just an abundence of stuff like oily fish, cottage cheese, eggs, cereal, olive oil etc....

Anyway... its horses for courses but the book he reccomends, it takes you through tests to see what your deficiencies might be and then offers diet based solutions, is "The Edge Effect" author "Eric R. Braverman, M.D". Its $12.95 from Sterling publishing Co., Inc

Thanks for listening good people, "He knows he's not gay" isn't really something you run wildly down the street shouting and waving your arms around, which is what I felt like doing yesterday. Its sooo good to TELL someone who UNDERSTANDS!!! :D
 
Tracy,

I'm with SAR...when's the celebration???!!! There has been so much pain involved in getting to this point. BOTH of you deserve the reward.

Larry
 
Tracy
the dopamine and aderinaline aspect is something I know was very important in my acting out.

I know I've said this many times before here, but I'll risk repeating it.
I could plan my cottaging for anything up to 2 weeks ahead. If I knew that I would be in a certain place at a certain time, such as going to a meeting in someplace away from my usual work area, that also meant I wasn't dressed in my usual fithy work gear, then I had the perfect oppotunity to go cottaging on the journey home.
At one time I was attending regular meetings about 40 miles away every 2 weeks that usually finished early afternoon, so I knew there was a couple of hours that I could lose.

My planning consisted of nothing more than taking the route with the most public toilets and winding myself up into a frenzy.
By the time I left the meetings I was high, and by the time I hit the first toilet I was flying, completly out of my tree.

The rush was nothing more than brain chemicals that I had learned to produce by obsessivly fantasising about the expected action.
Coming down would actually give me the shakes, that's how good this rush was. I know it's better than cocaine!
How difficult is that to give up? It's free, it's easy to do, has no physical side effects ( that I know of anyway ) and was easy to cover up. I could act normal to other people, I think....

It's incredibly difficult to give up.
When I look at porn I get the first faint feelings of the rush even now. It's the whole thing of doing something illicit, something slightly dangerous. Even though my wife knows I sometimes use porn, I still enjoy the thrill of the secret. Crazy ? maybe...

I've been on roller coasters and other thrill rides, I drive in off-road competitions that regularly have us rolling down hillsides and ending up in other dangerous situations. But is the adrenaline rush as good? No. It doesn't come close.
That kind of rush is quick and controlled, we have kevlar seats, racing seat harness and a big steel cage on our 4x4's, I've done the biggest roll in our club - 6 full rolls down a rock quarry face, I landed on my wheels and drove away unhurt. I was high for a few minutes.
Cottaging on the other hand could keep me high for hours, possibly days. That's powerful stuff.

I think many guys who act out underestimate the 'thrill factor' and concentrate on the 'reasons' - the abuse. Yes, we need to deal with the reasons, but we also need to acknowledge the kick we got / get from acting out. It might not come from the actual sex acts, they tend to be awkward fumbles, but the lead up to acting out can be a great source of distraction and actual pleasure.
When we're f****d up from our abuse, we take our pleasure from anywhere, unfortunately.

Dave
 
This thread has been enlightening.

[the dopamine and aderinaline aspect is something I know was very important in my acting out.]

Are there any articles or books on this anyone could recomend? Can experiencing intense anger have the same effect?
 
Thanks for the posts people. Celebrating? Its a bit of a weird one really because joy was a bit shortlived and now, bless him, he's sort of a mixture of dazed, like he's just walked away from a carcrash unscathed...and a bit in shock. Maybe its the realisation of not wanting men but having "had sex" with hundreds and also how close he came to trying to follow that path and actually trying to be gay.

I don't think he'd have ended up in a close and loving gay relationship he'd have found every dark room and gay sex club out!!

He has said that he thinks if he'd done that he would have either ended up in a mental institution or would have killed himself.

I guess he's feeling a bit of an aftershock and thinking how close he came to......well death really. He looks like a man who has not yet come to terms with the fact that he's had a very close call....I have a feeling that theres more anger to come, then relief and then maybe...maybe... (gremlin for hopeful?) Happiness. Just quiet, confident happiness.

Good to talk..

Love

Tracy
 
Born to resist

I've read a bit of the above book and it lists the following as some of the behaviours associated with biochemical deficiencies including dopamine.

An experience of feeling automated or as if in a dream.
An experience that something is unfamiliar about familiar places or events.
Anger managemnet problems.
Delays in processing information.
Distractedness.
Feeling detached, as if one is an outside observer of ones mental processes or body.

Frequently interrupting others.
Reactive confusion.
Short temper.
Smell hallucinations.
Addictions.

It also says that cocaine mimicks dopamine.

Hope this is helpful

T
 
I haven't read about it yet, but it looks interesting

https://www.edgeeffect.org/

If you do a Google search for 'Edge Effect' there's a good PDF file with a longer explanation out there' but this software wont accept the link

Dave.

Don't forget to order ANY books via Amazon through the link from MS so we get a %
 
Tracy,

What happy news! I am cheering you on. And by the way, your explanation makes sense to me, but I think you got it right--it really doesn't matter as long as the two of you understand.

Wishing you more and more of that quiet, confident happiness.

Love and Peace,
Bluebird
 
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