Happy Family Occasions

Happy Family Occasions
M

Mike Church

Registrant
I just attended the Wedding of my Godson this weekend. It was a really great wedding. He has married a truly wonderful girl. Everything was ok with me for a while then I got increasingly uneasy. I felt that I was a fraud for being his godfather and that I was not worthy of that. I also felt that my wife had lost out at the altar and that I did not deserve to have fun there. To top it all off I got defensive as hell and I fought with both my wife and daughter when I got home. All the way home 461 kilometres I got more and more resentful. My daugher attended the wedding with a friend and my wife mentioned that Tanya was mad at me because I spoke to her friend about her ex boyfriend. I felt like a piece of shit and the closer I got to home the madder I got at my wife nicole. I did not say two words on the way home. Got in the door and blew it bad. Yelled and screamed and blamed both of them for putting me down and making me feel worse. What a fxxking mess. I dont know what came over me. I have not been in a rage like that for over a year. What started as a very happy event wne to hell in a hand box for me. I now can recall other instances like this, other weddings, christmas, thanksgiving etc etc. God will it never end. I am taking ritalin and effexor and I have not felt wound up like this for a long time. I am still shaking. I just want it to go away. Where did my inner peace go. Or was it just a pahntom of my imagination. The only hate I have right now is for myself. My mind is spinning like a top out of control. Am I alone having this happen at a really happy occasion. It is like i cant have fun and if I do I cant let it stay. God I am lonly right now.
 
Mike, I am sorry it went sour for you.

Most of us have found that self-hatred is useless and undeserved. But, no matter it comes around. Kick it in the butt by telling yourself that you are a good, unique individual who has more guts than the proverbial government mule.

Perhaps the rage was coming for a long time but needed a spark to set off the explosion. If so, you will feel a peace coming over you ever so gently.

You were given feedback you did not want, and no one asked you if you wanted it. That is a good reason to be in a bad mood.

Bob
 
No Mike, you are most certainly not alone in this...
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Victor
 
Dear Brother, Mike:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Yes, Bro, those inexplicable rages which come on with such force and fury are common to me, as well. I think they happen when I am particularly stressed and already on the verge of toppling over the edge of sanity. Thus, when some little or insignificant thing is said or done (it could be a word or a cross-eyed look) it is almost like a leak in the dam which brings it all down and it comes out like a flood. I'm sorry this happened to you at this occasion, but I am learning that this is most likely another "automatic" symptom of the abuse. Certainly, your thoughts of "feeling" unworthy to be a husband to your fantastic wife or a worthy godfather to your godson should not come from inside you. Remember, you did nothing to make yourself unworthy! You had someone perpetrate their abuse upon you. You should carry no guilt or shame for what someone else did to you. These feelings of being a fraud are not an accurate description of who you really are. You are a beloved, child of God, and you are worthy to receive God's love and the love of every person and part of God's creation. Ask your wife if she loves you and if she thinks you are a fraud. I'll bet she will answer yes loves you and NO, YOU ARE NOT A FRAUD. And when she does, believe it! We must always keep believing the truth about our self-worth and STOP continuing the abuse which was originally perpetrated upon us by an unthinking, uncaring and inconsiderate person. We must stop the self-abuse, and self-torture, and instead begin and continue a legacy of love not only for ourselves but for those around us as well. Be well and Peace to you, my Brother. You deserve it! Sincerely, Jess.
 
Mike
I know the feeling well, just one little innocent put down is enough to make me feel like shit and bring back all the feelings of being unworthy of anyones love, respect or trust.

The difference is I very rarely go into a rage, so rarely I can't honestly remember the last one even.
What I do is retreat, become the doormat that everyone can wipe the dog shit off their shoes on.
I stutter and apologise for every mortal thing, I wring my hands and cry - all the time saying "sorry".
Even for stuff I haven't done and have no control whatsoever over. I feel so fucking useless I apologise for the rain as though I started it.

The only rages I have is when someone winds me up, normal rages I suppose, but I have a high threshold there. Unfortunately I have a low threshhold when it comes to criticism and put downs.
Something as simple as having the stereo to loud can do it, if she says "you know I don't like the music too loud" ( She has tinnitus ) instead of "can you turn it down a bit ?" will have me reaching for the remote like a quick draw cowboy and turning the stereo down until it's inaudible or turning it off, ( over reacting ) then I'm grovelling and stuttering for ages.

We both hate it, she tells me to shut up - in a nice way because she understands what's happening - but I carry on, and I start apologising for saying "sorry" and dig myself in deeper.
All I have to do is say "ok love" and turn the thing down, simple.

So why's it so hard ?

Dave
 
My hubby, Mr Edd is a survivor + he rarely gets angery. He just says I'm sorry. I tend to overreact + snap with anger for just a second + he just says I'm sorry at least 3 or 4 times. We have only dealt with this sh*t for 4 weeks this Wensday, so I am learning how to repond to Mr Edd's odd behaviors and stuff. We do know how God loves us so that helps some.
With Much Love
Kim
 
Dear Dave:

Dear, Brother, I also want to say to you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this. I can also relate to the groveling and the apologizing for everything. I think it goes back to the diminishing of my sense of self-worth. I am not too big on some of the teaching that seeks to increase everyone's "self-esteem." I think a lot of it is misguided. But I think it is important to teach others that their self worth is important. You have worth because you are a person. You are a human being. You are a loving expression of the love of your Higher Power (Whoever that may be for you). This is what I try to work on for myself as well. As a beloved child of God, I have worth. Therefore, it is not reasonable to allow anyone (myself included) to diminish that worth! Think of this as much as you can. When I do it helps me to stop the rage before it happens because when I rage I am really dimishing someone else's self-worth, as well as my own. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings here. I learn so much from the postings of others, and when I share here, I learn from that, too. Sincerely, Jess.
 
Thanks for everything brothers. I see my P tomorrow and I am gonna deal with this. My wife, and I tend to agree, says that since I started taking the ritalin I have been much more aggressive. What it is supposed to do is help me concentrate but that is now worse than before. I dont know what to tackle or what is contributing to what. The Abuse, my time on the street or my ADHD. Hope I can sort it out tomorrow or at least start to.
When I started out on this road to recovery I thought it would be like taking cough medicine. It is not like that at all. I danmed near took all the ritalin but I remembered something I talk to others of you about. Those F**kers cannot win. And by God even if I go nuts trying( I mean nuttier than I am) I will make sure they do not.
Once again thanks and I will let you know what happens tomorrow.
 
Mike
A couple of lines from my favorite song ever - "Please Call Me Baby" by Tom Waits.

"We do crazy things when we're wounded
Everyones a bit insane."

Jess, thanks, it's so good to get a helping hand; I wonder if we appreciate that more as well ?
I hope so.

Dave ;)
 
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