Happy, but Unsettled
WOW!
It has been a while since I have been here. But much has happened w/in the last few weeks. I met a woman at a social function and we began to email. She was out of town so we could not go out, but instead we emailed, sometimes 4x/day. She made it clear that in addition to my intellect and character that she was very attracted to me physically (sexually). I made it clear to her that I had been "pounced on" by several women in the past and had "locked up", I told her about my abuse history. She shared that she was a survivor also.
She stopped by my apartment last night on the way home from her vacation. I had planned to cook her dinner. We never made it to dinner. In fact she didn't leave until 11 am this morning.
WOW! OH MY GOODNESS! This woman breezed into my door w a very warm and pretty smile and a 5'8" tall, delicious body. WOW! I was able to have the most amazing sexual experience of my whole life! And she and I both commented many times in our emails leading up to our meeting that we did not want just a sexual relationship, but wanted a real partnership. I felt so alive and blessed and happy, and thrilled and amazed. I have had more experience w the male organ than a woman's body and OH MY GOODNESS - talk about multi-orgasmic! This woman was just amazing!!! It made me feel so special and pleased w myself to be able to help this woman who I care for deeply to get to such a level of pleasure.
But even aside from the sexual contact. We snuggled naked and talked and talked for hours and hours. We only got two hours sleep. We talked about our fears. We talked about past relationship stories. We talked about reassuring each other. We held each other naked and just breathed and bonded. WOW!
I am SOOO happy ... but unsettled. I trust that she is not just using me for sex. I trust that she is truthful and wants a real girlfriend:boyfriend relationship. I trust that she means it when she says "I Love You". I am unsettled bc this woman is so outside what I believe about God. She is very "New Age-ie" and she can cuss like a sailor sometimes. And don't even get me started on the whole guilt for having enjoyed, and enjoyed, and enjoyed, having hours of BEAUTIFUL sex w her, before marriage. But I feel safe w her. I feel happy w her. She and I have both said that we understand that each one of is responsible for our own happiness and not to rely on the other to make one happy.
This woman represents almost everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Intelligent, Joyful, Tall, Pretty, Athletic, Sexually Alive, Caring, Wise from past history, and very Honest and Accepting. She has a 7y son from a previous marriage and that is fine w me bc I would love to be a stepfather someday. Oh and I am not going to walk away from this woman, but I feel unsettled and a little bit disconnected and ashamed.
Is this normal?
It has been a while since I have been here. But much has happened w/in the last few weeks. I met a woman at a social function and we began to email. She was out of town so we could not go out, but instead we emailed, sometimes 4x/day. She made it clear that in addition to my intellect and character that she was very attracted to me physically (sexually). I made it clear to her that I had been "pounced on" by several women in the past and had "locked up", I told her about my abuse history. She shared that she was a survivor also.
She stopped by my apartment last night on the way home from her vacation. I had planned to cook her dinner. We never made it to dinner. In fact she didn't leave until 11 am this morning.
WOW! OH MY GOODNESS! This woman breezed into my door w a very warm and pretty smile and a 5'8" tall, delicious body. WOW! I was able to have the most amazing sexual experience of my whole life! And she and I both commented many times in our emails leading up to our meeting that we did not want just a sexual relationship, but wanted a real partnership. I felt so alive and blessed and happy, and thrilled and amazed. I have had more experience w the male organ than a woman's body and OH MY GOODNESS - talk about multi-orgasmic! This woman was just amazing!!! It made me feel so special and pleased w myself to be able to help this woman who I care for deeply to get to such a level of pleasure.
But even aside from the sexual contact. We snuggled naked and talked and talked for hours and hours. We only got two hours sleep. We talked about our fears. We talked about past relationship stories. We talked about reassuring each other. We held each other naked and just breathed and bonded. WOW!
I am SOOO happy ... but unsettled. I trust that she is not just using me for sex. I trust that she is truthful and wants a real girlfriend:boyfriend relationship. I trust that she means it when she says "I Love You". I am unsettled bc this woman is so outside what I believe about God. She is very "New Age-ie" and she can cuss like a sailor sometimes. And don't even get me started on the whole guilt for having enjoyed, and enjoyed, and enjoyed, having hours of BEAUTIFUL sex w her, before marriage. But I feel safe w her. I feel happy w her. She and I have both said that we understand that each one of is responsible for our own happiness and not to rely on the other to make one happy.
This woman represents almost everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Intelligent, Joyful, Tall, Pretty, Athletic, Sexually Alive, Caring, Wise from past history, and very Honest and Accepting. She has a 7y son from a previous marriage and that is fine w me bc I would love to be a stepfather someday. Oh and I am not going to walk away from this woman, but I feel unsettled and a little bit disconnected and ashamed.
Is this normal?