Hanging in by a thread, if that
Hi everyone,
Its been months since I last visited or posted. Glad youre still here!
After almost two years of struggling to keep the faith, etc, with my S.O., who was sexually abused by his father from age 6-12 and is now 42, most of both feet (mine) are now out the door. I have spent the past two months in particular feeling largely detached and/or vacant, interspersed with moments of every imaginable emotion with regard to my partner. Today I just feel utterly overwhelmed, defeated, and at complete odds with life.
I know my partner loves me very deeply. I know that he trusts me as much as he is capable of trusting anyone. I know that he is desperately hoping that I will not really leave him. Right now, I feel like most of me already has, and Ive been feeling that way for the past month or more.
The issues are classic: His alcoholism, his problems with drugs (intermittent cocaine binges and his habit of smoking dope when hes drinkingand I mean smoking it to the point of nausea), his on-going hunger for porn, his problems getting and/or maintaining erections, his problems with intimacy, his myriad of numbing behaviours, his unwillingness to discuss these thingsparticularly sex and/or his S.A.his agitation whenever I try to share how Im feeling about these things or try to get him to open up more/share more with me, his secretiveness,
his workaholic tendencies, his self-acknowledged habit of sabotaging us, etc.
How can you have a relationship with someone you cannot trust to be honest and/or to share whats really going on with him/her at any given time?
Funny, but I think I could handle staying with him while he continues to work on his problems with booze, drugs, money, and even intimacy. God knows I love the man and hes got a heart of gold. Its the problems with our sex life and his apparently less-than-hot feelings about my body that are defeating me. Please bear with me here
From the beginning he has had a host of explanations for why he has trouble with erections: When we were new it was performance anxiety; then it was that he was preoccupied with financial concerns; then it was that he was just tired, had drank too much the night before, had other things on his mind, or something I had done while we were having sex. Last February he told me that a lot of it had to do with his perception that Ive let [myself] go since weve moved in together, and that I dress like [his] mother. And most recently he says that its because Ive not even tried to get myself back into shape and that I must surely understand that physical attraction (read, superficial attributes) is an essential element of any sexual relationship. I should note here that while he has always had trouble with getting/staying hard, he has most often managed to get off with us in the past.
Well I understand that alright. But to him, being physically attractive means being waif-thin, tanned, and well-toned, with well-defined muscles. The porn he looks at is largely fetish-based, but he says that all hes looking for/at is slim, young, tight bodies.
Just for the record, I am 41 but often mistaken for considerably younger. I have been told all of my life that I am quite beautiful and, though Im straight, I certainly never lack for attention from either sex. At 10 lbs heavier than when we first began dating, I am still considered very slim (56 132 lbs) and I work out regularly. In fact, many people used to say that I was too thin and that, while still slim, I look much better now. I have had and raised 2 children and have had several surgeries in my abdominal region, so despite reasonably good abdominal tone, I do have a small pot therealways have. I love making love and am not at all inhibited. In the past, my sexual relationships have been very mutually rewarding and affirming, so the difficulties that I am experiencing with my man now are quite new to me.
The point being, I have hardly let myself go. I dont believe that any of this is really the issue anyway. My partner is very good looking and in excellent physical shape for a man his agesomething of extreme importance to him (being as toned, young-looking and physically attractive as possible). The difference between he and I is that it doesnt matter to me that his hair has turned grey and that his clothes arent always the height of fashionI would love and desire him whether regardless of how he looked at any given time. And I do.
I bring all of this up for two reasons: (1) Because Id like to know if other men who were sexually/incestuously abused in the past can relate to what my partner is telling me; and (2) because knowing that he feels this way has, over time, all but killed my ability to be sexual with him. He can look at my face, but not my body. How can I be expected to relax or be turned on anymore when I feel that my body is largely repugnant to him?
He will not share his fantasies with me. I do not know the details of *how* his father sexually abused himonly that he did. I have tried 1000 ways from Sunday to make things better between us in bedemotionally/psychologically/erotically/ and physically.
The problems with our sex life are not just limited to the issues Ive related, and there are certainly other issues of serious concern challenging our relationship. Still, this is the one area that has me crying uncle. Ive been sleeping on the couch for the past month, though he wants me to sleep with him, because it no longer feels okay to share a bed. Not right now, at least.
Two weeks ago I found a flap of cocaine on the floor of his music roomsomething he said hed quit when we got together. It is the third flap Ive found in the last year. Anyway, the last time (January) that this had happened, Id told him that I would leave him if I ever found another one in our house. As a former addict whos been clean for 16 years, this is a sacred boundary with me and he knows it. So, I told him that day that I was through with us and that I wanted him to move out. Well, I'm still here, sort of, and so now wonder about how seriously I can take myself and my own boundaries, nevermind how seriously he might. A new concern to add to the pot...
Anyway, that night I went out with a friend only to return an hour later to discover that the first thing hed done when I left was log on to his favourite porn sites. If I hadnt felt completely hopeless about us before, I sure did then! I understand that porn is a way for him to disconnect from reality, etc, but I nonetheless couldnt help but feel devastated that his first impulse at my saying it was over between us was to get aroused and go jerking off to pornography the moment I left our house.
I spent that night at a friends and my S.O. says that it was the loneliest night of his life. He said that he felt deeply ashamed of the fact that hed gone straight to porn when Id left and, for the most part, I believe him. I have a (dog-eared) copy of Victims No Longer which he finally began reading that weekend, but while he says that the book is dead on the money with him, he seems to have stopped reading it after the third chapter.
Anyway, two+ weeks later hes still here, Im still sleeping on the couch, and most of the time he acts as if things are normal between us. Lots of loving phone calls and smiles, hugs that he initiates, etc. He has tried to initiate sex with me a few times since and I have succumbed to his advances twice, only to have him unable to stay hard and/or reach orgasm both times. Its not his trouble with erections that is a problem for meits the feeling, rational or not, that I dont do it for him. I never used to feel that his troubles with erections were my fault, but knowing that he finds my body less than and/or a turn-off is getting harder and harder to process these days.
Before signing off for now, I should also mention that he has worked in the entertainment industry for more than 20 years nowmostly in nightclubs and strip bars (read, surrounded by young women/people living the oh so superficial, transient, supposedly sexy life of sex, drugs and rock n roll). He has never been married and ours is the first serious relationship hes had since he was 32.
I continue to work at taking care of myself and at not confusing his issues as something that I have created or am responsible for. I have read all the books, corresponded with many men whove been sexually abused, etc, and even have a psych degree. I am very familiar with codependency and work at maintaining my autonomy and looking after myself. I struggle to be aware of areas where I may be enabling. Throughout it all I struggle to be understanding, patient, loving, supportive and non-judgemental. I understand quite a bit about the issues that present for men suffering the effects of S.A.and for their partners, I believe, though I am always anxious to learn/understand more. But right now I just feel like Im going crazy and dont understand/cant trust a thing.
I do know that I love my S.O. I also know that the situation between us is not a good one. Even if he truly stays away from the coke, quits or seriously curbs his drinking (he hasnt had a drink in 20 days, but says he hasnt quitis just curbing it for a while), and generally cuts back on his well-engrained avoidance behaviours, is there any hope at all that he might one day appreciate, desire and be sexually satisfied with me as I am? (As a relevant footnote, he hates the term making love and says that people should just call it what it is: Having sex.)
Thanks for bearing with me here. I apologize in advance for however this may readits hard to know just what Im trying to say anymore, even for me!
Am going to post this without reading it or editing, lest I change my mind and scrap the whole thing
Stride
Its been months since I last visited or posted. Glad youre still here!
After almost two years of struggling to keep the faith, etc, with my S.O., who was sexually abused by his father from age 6-12 and is now 42, most of both feet (mine) are now out the door. I have spent the past two months in particular feeling largely detached and/or vacant, interspersed with moments of every imaginable emotion with regard to my partner. Today I just feel utterly overwhelmed, defeated, and at complete odds with life.
I know my partner loves me very deeply. I know that he trusts me as much as he is capable of trusting anyone. I know that he is desperately hoping that I will not really leave him. Right now, I feel like most of me already has, and Ive been feeling that way for the past month or more.
The issues are classic: His alcoholism, his problems with drugs (intermittent cocaine binges and his habit of smoking dope when hes drinkingand I mean smoking it to the point of nausea), his on-going hunger for porn, his problems getting and/or maintaining erections, his problems with intimacy, his myriad of numbing behaviours, his unwillingness to discuss these thingsparticularly sex and/or his S.A.his agitation whenever I try to share how Im feeling about these things or try to get him to open up more/share more with me, his secretiveness,
his workaholic tendencies, his self-acknowledged habit of sabotaging us, etc.
How can you have a relationship with someone you cannot trust to be honest and/or to share whats really going on with him/her at any given time?
Funny, but I think I could handle staying with him while he continues to work on his problems with booze, drugs, money, and even intimacy. God knows I love the man and hes got a heart of gold. Its the problems with our sex life and his apparently less-than-hot feelings about my body that are defeating me. Please bear with me here
From the beginning he has had a host of explanations for why he has trouble with erections: When we were new it was performance anxiety; then it was that he was preoccupied with financial concerns; then it was that he was just tired, had drank too much the night before, had other things on his mind, or something I had done while we were having sex. Last February he told me that a lot of it had to do with his perception that Ive let [myself] go since weve moved in together, and that I dress like [his] mother. And most recently he says that its because Ive not even tried to get myself back into shape and that I must surely understand that physical attraction (read, superficial attributes) is an essential element of any sexual relationship. I should note here that while he has always had trouble with getting/staying hard, he has most often managed to get off with us in the past.
Well I understand that alright. But to him, being physically attractive means being waif-thin, tanned, and well-toned, with well-defined muscles. The porn he looks at is largely fetish-based, but he says that all hes looking for/at is slim, young, tight bodies.
Just for the record, I am 41 but often mistaken for considerably younger. I have been told all of my life that I am quite beautiful and, though Im straight, I certainly never lack for attention from either sex. At 10 lbs heavier than when we first began dating, I am still considered very slim (56 132 lbs) and I work out regularly. In fact, many people used to say that I was too thin and that, while still slim, I look much better now. I have had and raised 2 children and have had several surgeries in my abdominal region, so despite reasonably good abdominal tone, I do have a small pot therealways have. I love making love and am not at all inhibited. In the past, my sexual relationships have been very mutually rewarding and affirming, so the difficulties that I am experiencing with my man now are quite new to me.
The point being, I have hardly let myself go. I dont believe that any of this is really the issue anyway. My partner is very good looking and in excellent physical shape for a man his agesomething of extreme importance to him (being as toned, young-looking and physically attractive as possible). The difference between he and I is that it doesnt matter to me that his hair has turned grey and that his clothes arent always the height of fashionI would love and desire him whether regardless of how he looked at any given time. And I do.
I bring all of this up for two reasons: (1) Because Id like to know if other men who were sexually/incestuously abused in the past can relate to what my partner is telling me; and (2) because knowing that he feels this way has, over time, all but killed my ability to be sexual with him. He can look at my face, but not my body. How can I be expected to relax or be turned on anymore when I feel that my body is largely repugnant to him?
He will not share his fantasies with me. I do not know the details of *how* his father sexually abused himonly that he did. I have tried 1000 ways from Sunday to make things better between us in bedemotionally/psychologically/erotically/ and physically.
The problems with our sex life are not just limited to the issues Ive related, and there are certainly other issues of serious concern challenging our relationship. Still, this is the one area that has me crying uncle. Ive been sleeping on the couch for the past month, though he wants me to sleep with him, because it no longer feels okay to share a bed. Not right now, at least.
Two weeks ago I found a flap of cocaine on the floor of his music roomsomething he said hed quit when we got together. It is the third flap Ive found in the last year. Anyway, the last time (January) that this had happened, Id told him that I would leave him if I ever found another one in our house. As a former addict whos been clean for 16 years, this is a sacred boundary with me and he knows it. So, I told him that day that I was through with us and that I wanted him to move out. Well, I'm still here, sort of, and so now wonder about how seriously I can take myself and my own boundaries, nevermind how seriously he might. A new concern to add to the pot...
Anyway, that night I went out with a friend only to return an hour later to discover that the first thing hed done when I left was log on to his favourite porn sites. If I hadnt felt completely hopeless about us before, I sure did then! I understand that porn is a way for him to disconnect from reality, etc, but I nonetheless couldnt help but feel devastated that his first impulse at my saying it was over between us was to get aroused and go jerking off to pornography the moment I left our house.
I spent that night at a friends and my S.O. says that it was the loneliest night of his life. He said that he felt deeply ashamed of the fact that hed gone straight to porn when Id left and, for the most part, I believe him. I have a (dog-eared) copy of Victims No Longer which he finally began reading that weekend, but while he says that the book is dead on the money with him, he seems to have stopped reading it after the third chapter.
Anyway, two+ weeks later hes still here, Im still sleeping on the couch, and most of the time he acts as if things are normal between us. Lots of loving phone calls and smiles, hugs that he initiates, etc. He has tried to initiate sex with me a few times since and I have succumbed to his advances twice, only to have him unable to stay hard and/or reach orgasm both times. Its not his trouble with erections that is a problem for meits the feeling, rational or not, that I dont do it for him. I never used to feel that his troubles with erections were my fault, but knowing that he finds my body less than and/or a turn-off is getting harder and harder to process these days.
Before signing off for now, I should also mention that he has worked in the entertainment industry for more than 20 years nowmostly in nightclubs and strip bars (read, surrounded by young women/people living the oh so superficial, transient, supposedly sexy life of sex, drugs and rock n roll). He has never been married and ours is the first serious relationship hes had since he was 32.
I continue to work at taking care of myself and at not confusing his issues as something that I have created or am responsible for. I have read all the books, corresponded with many men whove been sexually abused, etc, and even have a psych degree. I am very familiar with codependency and work at maintaining my autonomy and looking after myself. I struggle to be aware of areas where I may be enabling. Throughout it all I struggle to be understanding, patient, loving, supportive and non-judgemental. I understand quite a bit about the issues that present for men suffering the effects of S.A.and for their partners, I believe, though I am always anxious to learn/understand more. But right now I just feel like Im going crazy and dont understand/cant trust a thing.
I do know that I love my S.O. I also know that the situation between us is not a good one. Even if he truly stays away from the coke, quits or seriously curbs his drinking (he hasnt had a drink in 20 days, but says he hasnt quitis just curbing it for a while), and generally cuts back on his well-engrained avoidance behaviours, is there any hope at all that he might one day appreciate, desire and be sexually satisfied with me as I am? (As a relevant footnote, he hates the term making love and says that people should just call it what it is: Having sex.)
Thanks for bearing with me here. I apologize in advance for however this may readits hard to know just what Im trying to say anymore, even for me!
Am going to post this without reading it or editing, lest I change my mind and scrap the whole thing
Stride
