Hey Tobey,
The thoughts of feeling down, feeling dirty, feeling lonely, etc... are all to frequent for a lot of guys, but I definitely know the thoughts and feelings very well. The accompany me too often. However, at times I try to start doing little things for myself and only a very few things at that. That way I can feel as if I have accomplished something and that I am not a total loss as a person. No shame to schedule 1 or 2 items to do and then reward yourself by relaxing in the tub with candles &/or music and scheduling time for yourself (ironic since I spend a lot of time alone anyway but this is my time where I am not expected to do anything but be by myself and enjoy cool music and a drink that I put in the freezer to make slushy before I take it to the tub.) Moreover, I wanted to really touch base on the subject of going to the gym. I would never work out for I used to always get an erection when I take my clothes off, even at home with no sexual thoughts in my head. It was a conditioned response and I believe and have read that the human body (especially males) carry stress below our chest and any sensation/pressure can cause 'an arousal' even though sexual thoughts are not there. Such as wearing a pair of slacks that fit a certain way, leaning against a car while repairing it, or the removal of a belt to relax, etc... can trigger a feeling of a need to 'release' pressure/stress. Anyway - back to the gym, I was finally convinced at my last job to go and work out since I had talked about it for months (and I needed the stress release since I was no longer jogging.) Anyway, the first few months were the worst and most scary thoughts about 'sticking out' while in the open showers. My best defense was to not put myself in a mentally defeated mode before I went to work out. I would have to tell myself that I am a man that look just as well as the other guys there and that I was confident that I was going to workout and feel good that I accomplished at least going to the gym to workout. I would have to work hard to block any old messages of self-condemnation or comparisons. After a few months, I was not trying as much to focus to avoid getting an erection while totally nude and in the showers, it was becoming an accepted environment with the guys around. I would focus my conversation and my eyes on the man and not on body parts. Now I did look at others by a quick glance, and I would think 'so that is how he looks' and not allow my mind to wonder. It is also important to try the gym at a regular time so that you get used to the same guys and don't have to worry about a whole new crew. Be aware, plenty of guys are checking others out, but I don't want to be judgemental as to why they are and I would encourage you not to do so either. They can be very insecure or jealous, or even fantasizing; however, that is their deal as long as it is not obvious or too close to you - that is if they are not offense. I always enjoyed the dry saunas and that was the next item to tackle which I was able to do (I am not saying this in an over-confident way since anyone can fall at times when we are careless.) I later became more bold and started playing racquetball where it was a win or lose situation and that was very tough for me because it easy for me to make excuses about me being a loser before we starting (back to the mental self-defeating mode again to avoid the pain of lossing being called a loser - it would be an innocent comment from others but for me it was about more that a game.) Plus body contact would happen many times by accident. An innocent hug to avoid a crash as you run toward the same side of the court, a racquetball pat on the butt, horsing around with a doubles partner, etc. I would have to be aware of my body and who I am at all times, and that I was a team player in a sport and not a loser (even though my score was lower that the others at times.) The whole thing of showing up at the gym was a gradual move, and I eventually started making friends through small conversations and comments like "I'm glad I am here but I wish I was finished and dressing to leave." or after a workout I would comment while dressing "So, my doctor says this is good for me. I ain't seen him here one time." Of course, you can do these when you are getting ready to walk out of the locker room so you don't have to stay and talk unless a conversation starts. Also, guys seem to be more inclined to talk to you when you come in and appear to have a set agenda with your workout schedule. It is one of those 'in control' appearance things.
I have since joined a new gym since I had to switch jobs and work locations. I was very depressed over leaving friends at my last job, the situation why I left, and more importantly the close friends that I had made at the gym to play racquetball, wallyball & volleyball, jogging, and solving world hunger while sitting in the sauna with a couple of friends. I have been a very closed person at this new gym for over a year. I don't do team sports, just things alone like the treadmill and weights. Recently I have started to make some friends by just looking their direct in the weight room, giving a big sigh and a confident laughable type smile before pushing weights. It usually is the opening for a one-line comment, but it is a start. I believe that you can tell which guys that are approachable for a quick 1 line comment and before you know it, after a few back and forth comments, you are engaged in a conversation. Later, just stick your hand out and say, "By the way, my name is Tobey, and you are..." Say their name back to them and when you end your conversation say their name again as you say 'Well, enjoy your workout and see you around." I would pick guys that I would not necessarily be interested in, but then again, if I was really struggling with someone by just their appearance, I would try to make a point to talk with them and have a couple of conversations to learn their name and then the mystery of 'what are they like' is gone and any 'excitement' issues are lessened or even removed.
Anyway, I have not posted many responses, and usually don't. I hope this does not seem forward or pushy, it is just some thoughts that I have about going to the gym. I personally feel it is one way for me to get in touch with identifying about being a man by being around men in vulnerable settings, yet growing in confidence about my boundaries. It helps when you have a steady person to see and talk with at the gym. I know you'll do well and you are already doing great. Thanks for the opportunity to share this with you. Don't shy away from the gym where you can legitimately take care of yourself physically and mentally. I believe that I have grown personally, and I hope to continue the journey...
Take care of yourself and the best to you.
Arthur
