had a row

had a row
B

beccy

Registrant
Me and bf had a horrible row really late last night.......

in the midst of an ok conversation about flirting, bf said to me, ''you always used to be angry about things not being perfect''. Now, I KNOW that is very precisely the major emotional issue which surrounds the csa with his sister, and felt very upset/angry that he would still see it all that way. I understand he would have been confused at the time, but the way he said it really made it sound like that's what he also makes sense of it now. I now understand (from therapy) that I never expressed unreasonable anger about how confusing/hurtful some of his behaviour(or lack of it) was. Certainly I know my issue was never anything to do with things having to be perfect. After a long and confusing and angry conversation, he stormed out of the room :( When he returned, he appologised mildly. I felt negativity from him still. We talked some more and basically, he said that he just didn't explain what he meant clearly and so I missunderstood him. I do want to believe that, but I also felt like my head was a bit messed with, which is ringing alarm bells for me. I feel so bothered by all this....


peace
Beccy
 
more talking about it all today......

bf has now retracted what he said about not meaning what he said. Now my head really DOES feel messed with. I said to him last night maybe he wasn't really ready to talk about this issue yet and now I realise I was very right. I think he may need to work through the issue of the csa with his sister more before there can be a clear separation of things.

He has been so cold/misleading/dishonest and manipulative. So many twists and turns in the conversations were distraction after distraction from the point at hand. In the past these situations have left me feeling confused and guilty that I may have been too demanding/unreasonable etc. His behaviour towards me now makes me feel hated. I find it difficult to know he still harbours resentment towards me especially in the knowledge that none of this can be worked through between us yet. What he said to me was very hurtful and yet it seemed he was waiting for me to show him some sympathy. But how can I when he can't even share things in a way which would enable us to work through this stuff together? I am done being treated this way that's all I know.

I just want to be liked and appreciated for the attractive person I am. He has said to me this week that he does want us to start being able to have some fun/flirt etc, but on the other hand there's all this resentment from him.....

I've got to go now, but i'll come back later,


peace
beccy
 
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having some tough times. I find it so interesting that your bf was abused by his sister, like mine. I have wondered as I read this site if that particularity of his situation would create a whole other level of issues.

I have felt a lot of the things you just talked about, in various forms, even though we've only been together 1.5 years, but I have told him at times that I feel like he thinks I'm his enemy and even that at times it seems like all his energy is focused on making it not work or proving that he doesn't love me. And that he is so pre-occupied with 'it MIGHT not work' that he doesn't just let the love flow.

I don't know if I am rabbling on too much abut 'me' here, but another point that is interesting to me is that my bf told me that when he was very small he used to follow his sister around like a puppy, she is 3 years older. And that they were extremely close. But then between 7 and 9 was the abuse.

I think the fact that he loved her so much, and still does, but yet SHE hurt him that way creates this automatic anger towards me. My sexual needs frequently make him feel 'forced' or like I want to control him or just general anger. Honestly I think the very fact that he DOES love me so much is what causes him to be so mean, distant, and to feel so threatened by this 'imminent' danger of more pain. It's as if the relationship he formed with his sister truly is at the heart of the way he relates to me. And the fact that she IS family, which is what I have been hoping to become, creates some unusual issues. His whole concept of family is skewed. I desperately want him to at his core learn to separate ME from HER in the depths of his mind, but unless he becomes ever aware of that, I don't think he will.

Being ever aware of course means facing the pain of it all. That is the very thing he has arranged his entire life up to avoid.

Geez, I think I may be either going on and on about something irrelevant to your situation, or just making it worse, but somehow I do think the sister issue runs deep....
 
I'm sorry I forgot to add this bit...

As difficult as it may be for you, especially in the heat of an argument, or even in the aftermath of contemplation, sometimes we put ourselves down soo much and loss sight of the that can we should trust our own judgment more. I think it's important to make the separation ourselves between the negative things our bf's say about us, or make us feel about ourselves, and our own internal negative 'tapes' that maybe he is only reinforcing. Don't let him do that to you.

You said, "But how can I when he can't even share things in a way which would enable us to work through this stuff together? I am done being treated this way that's all I know." I have said the exactly thing so many times. And at times I find it easy to sink into feeling sorry for myself and I get lost in that and forget that I am only letting his own issues feed off my own like a fungus. The more I am able to cut away my own false insecurities, the stronger I feel able to gently guide him through his, and to step aside gingerly as he hauls his own doubts and insecurities and false understanding of situations because of where he is coming from.

Stay strong, you seem to be much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
 
Thankyou katherinew,

everything you said there sounded so familiar. It really can be so reassuring to know there are other women who understand what this feels like. That I'm not crazy/mad. My bf just denied things to years to me, even though i asked/showed much time and interest towards him. Sometimes that fact alone makes me feel like he didn't really want to be with me, even though I understand it is all to do with him. I know we did genuinely fall in love all those years ago, and we do love eachother now, but sometimes it's just hard to have faith in that.

I think I might be coming out the other side of something now myself. I've had quite a few problems myself really and I've been going through my process before he started his, so I think it could begin to be a little easier from now on.....I do hope so.....

We talked again last night. I asked him if there was anything he thought he might want/need in that particular situation where he is triggered. He told me there was nothing i could do/change in myself to change it. I said I knew that, but I was asking him if there was anything he might want, like to be loved for example. He sounded greatly relieved and said he thought that would be good. Then he said he was new to this 'asking for things/stating needs'. I said it's something we all have a right to and he said it's just there's never been the space to do that!! Like as if I've never given it. I so have as well :mad: I have tried and tried to give that. I've always felt extremely bothered by the fact he never seemed to tell me what he wanted and I've even said that many times. I feel like he's suggesting that because I try(and I'm improving too) to express my needs/feelings/wants, that means he can't.

Anyway, got to go

peace
Beccy
 
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