Had a rough couple of nights

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Had a rough couple of nights
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BrianMiko

Registrant
This is a hard one for me to post - my wife is much better at expressing feelings in words than I am, but I'll give it a shot.
As I'm sure some of you here know Michiko was in the hospital the past couple nights (nothing wrong - she had a new baby) and I'm not sure if it was the comfort of his mother not being there or something else that triggered it, but Nao hasn't been able to sleep. His room is right next to ours so I can hear him when he cries at night or screams. I'm not sure he went to bed at all last night, but I did wake up and heard him crying at about 3 in the morning so I went to see what was wrong. Well, he wasn't just crying, but he was cutting his arm with a razor, so after taking that away from him I asked him what was wrong.
He turned to me and in the most pitiful voice I've ever heard he said: "They did this to me. They hurt me. I'm tired, I'm so tired but I can't sleep. They hurt me."
I couldn't think of anything else to do but take him to the hospital. When I admitted him I told them it was to treat the cuts on his arm, but later asked the doctor if they could possibly help him sleep. They gave him something at the hospital and he's still there sleeping as far as I know (I'm not there at the moment at home now - I came to get some clothes for him to wear home when he wakes up). They're going to have him talk to a psychiatrist who will probably prescribe sleeping pills (I hate the fact that they're going to drug him) and then he should come home late this afternoon or early evening.
I hate them - the men who did this to him. Where did my son go? This isn't the child I remember raising; they corrupted him! They made him into this scared child who can't even sleep at night! I can't even touch him or hug him - he pulls away even if I try putting a hand on his shoulder or his back. I haven't heard him really laugh or seen a smile on his face that wasn't forced in a long time. He used to be so happy - why did they have to destroy that happiness?
Thank you for listening. It makes me feel better just to get all this out.
May God bless everyone here.
Brian
 
And G-d bless all of you as well!

This is so heart-rending!

But as has been pointed out here on this site before, studies of survivors have shown that the single largest factor that will influence a person's healing is support from family, friends, & authority figures.

I know this is incredibly wrenching for your family, but your son has 2 very loving, sensitive parents and is your warmth & concern that will ultimately nurture his healing.

Please keep us informed on how you are all doing - and congratulations on the birth of your new baby.
 
Brian and Miko,

First off, congratulations on the new baby! I'm sure she's a wonderful child and I'm almost certain you BOTH are exhausted! :rolleyes: :D

Unfortunately, Brian, these things Nao are going through are horribly common. When I got my memories back of the abuse, I had nightmares that wouldn't end. I still have them. And, for better or worse, I'll always be affected by them.

Over time, though, and with good care as well as your love and support, Nao will get better. He's probably having a rough time trusting ANY men or adults, but give him space. As long as he knows you're there for him, it will ease and he will be able to open up more.

As hard as it sounds, time will ease things, but it will take that time for it to happen. It s**ks, but it's true.

Brian, Miko, you both are in my prayers. Bless you both.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Hey Brian:

I am so soory that things have come to this, but am alos glad because now Nao maybe able to get some extra help. As you know Nao and I spend many hours together chatting and I noticed how he has been really struggling.

I hate to use drugs to but sometimes it is the only way to help us though these times.

I hope you don't think any less of yourself because he is pulling away, it is just normal. I still do that and it been awile since my abuse.
Just be there for him as I know you are and take care of yourself also.
 
Hey,
Im sorry to hear what your family is going through. Living with a cutter can be very hard to understand. I know my daughter does. When we first found out we did everything wrong. If you need to talk about this part please feel free to pm me. (((hugs))) just keep doing what you are...supporting him the best you know how..and know that it's OK for you not have all the answer's. I know as a Dad myself it's hard to step back and see that I cant "fix" this one. :( Just keep posting..if you need to vent please feel free to pm me.
James
 
Nao and family,
I am so sorry to hear of your episode. Just remember we are here to help and support.
We are all in this together and recovery is strengthened when we bond together. We all look forward to seeing you on your journey from wounded boy to mended man.
 
Hi Brian

Wow.. these are tough times. I can't imagine the emotional conflict you must feel... on the one hand you have the temendous joy of a new baby, and one the other the horrible pain of seeing your son suffer and not knowing how to help him.

It is very hard to stand by and see someone you love suffer... you want more than anything to make the pain stop or take it on as your own. And in the case of child abuse it is so much worse because, in the first place, there is no logic in the world that can rationalize why this happens to kids. But worse still, after the abuse ends, the real pains seems just to be beginning.

But trust me, that is just an illusion. I am only 27, and the memories of the abuse and my life during that time are pretty vivid. As upsetting as the aftermath is, it really pales in comparison to the isolation of abuse. Carrying around the monsters secret is a burden that would break a person's spirit. So, although it might seem like Nao is hurting more, or more upset, I believe he is just allowing you to see more of what has really been there all along.

His aversion to being touched is not suprising, or (IMHO) even that alarming. It is better that he should pull away from your hugs than tolerate them even though he doesn't want them. It is a sign that he is setting some boundries and enforcing them, which is something many of us survivors really sturggle with. You may have to experiment with other ways to show him that you love him and really do care about him.

Although you may be used to using touch to communicate warmth and love, Nao may not "understand" that message right now. Something that really helped me when I did not want to be touched was if someone I trusted would just sit in the room with me. Not saying that will do anything here, just that you have to be open to what would make Nao feel better.

Nao, I imagine you will read this post at some point and this next part is very important, although I fear you might not believe me... at any rate:

He and I have talked a little in the chat room as well. I can tell that he is really struggling with feelings of responsibility and guilt. From my own experience, I know that I was faced with a dilema. One the one hand, I could insist that I had some measure of control over the situation, and feel the associated guilt for having not put a stop to it (or stopped it sooner, or allowed it to happen at all). On the other hand I could admit that I really did not have and control, and that I really was used and victimized. But such an admission carried will it immense pain, vulnerability and fear. It seemed easier for me to cope with the feelings of guilt than the feelings of pain and fear.

I dont really have a point here... I just hope that by sharing some of my own story with you I can shed some light (however little) on something that I know is frustrating and confusing.

Nao:

If I could tell you only one thing it would be this: All the things you felt and thought during the abuse, and all the things you think and feel now are OKAY. The guilt can be overwhelming, but you have done NOTHING wrong. ALL of your thoughts and feelings now are confusing, I know, but they are REAL and VAILD and it is completely okay to think and feel them. It is even okay to feel guilty. But in the back of your mind, keep hold to the knowledge, the fact, the REALITY, that you have done NOTHING wrong.

It is hard to believe, trust me I know. When you feel responsible for something, or you believe you are thinking "bad" thoughts, no amount of other peoples babble can change that. But you can change it. You just have to work on facing the truth... you were vulnerable and someone saw that and turned it to their advantage without another thought about you. It hurts, it hurts more that anything in the world, to try to accept that reality. But it is the truth.


All else aside, you and your family are not alone. There are people all around us that know what it is like to feel this kind of pain, and the people that have suffered offer a sort of compassion that you cant find anywhere else. And this web site is full of people that know our particular brand of suffering inside and out. It can get better... just cling to each other and cling to the truth. Love and acceptance are the antidote.

George
 
Brian, Michiko and Nao -

You sound like such a loving caring family.

Brian - I believe that when Nao recoils from you, it is really the abusers that he recoils from. I am just in the process of dealing with touch, because I left it for far too long. Nao - I get the impression that your father loves you very much...please try and distinguish between him and your abusers. Brian - it may help if you ask Nao if you can hug him or put your arm around his shoulder - Nao - this gives you control.

Nao - I hope that you are not worrying about your new sister, I am sure that a wise young man like yourself can support her through life. I didn't have a younger sister, but I have a Niece that thinks of me like a brother rather than an Uncle...She's grown up and got a really good life now - help your sister to do that ( you are much stronger than you think at present).

Michiko - continue to be a caring Mother.

I wish all four of you well... Nao - please take some of my strength, it may help you through the day.

Best wishes ...Rik

*Sorry if my perspective is wrong, I only offer support!
 
Self mutilation is one of the most horrible consequence of sexual abuse. I know a few survivors in France to do that. Maybe I can bring a few elements of understanding.
First it seems that the self mutilation comes in when the suffering of the mind is too intense and unbearable. So as a way to escape this, the mind choses to "transport" it into the body. The physical suffering seems more bearable because it is "real", it can get treated fast and it is a pain that is visible. The survivor often does not accept the fact that he/she has no control about the suffering "inside the head" and therefore selfmutilation has somewhat a feeling of control over that suffering.
I have never mutilated myself but I clearly remember a day when I wanted to slash myself with a blade. I wanted to do that the day I understood that the filthiness of the rape was a part of me for the rest of my life. I understood that I had been used, that I had been turned into a sex object, the trash basket of my own father's sexual urges. The feeling got mixed with the fact that whatever I did, I would always be his daughter (in the genetic sense) and in a lot of ways, I looked like him, I had elements of him in me. This was trully unbearable and I had the irrational idea that I could take out these elements through slashing myself. I was also very exhausted at that time, and the irrational ideas tend to creep in then.
I have never taken any medication because I have undertsood very earlier on that insomnia was a way I could express my fears and confusions. I have decided at the beginning of my therapy to keep a clear mind and face the horrors the eyes wide open. This was MY choice. Nothing judgmental here !
For your son, I would say something a remarkable male survivor friend told me at the beginning of my healing journey: "Accept to feel terrible, depressed.." The sooner you accept these bad days, the earlier you tend to respect yourself, your body, your rythm, your healing pace. I think this is an essential element. So when I had this will to self mutilation, I did not reject the horror of having thought that. I welcome the idea and right away I tried too understand it and searched for the emotions they were trully linked to. After that I never had the idea again.
I hope this will help your son and yourself.
Much love to you both and the rest of the family.
Caro
 
Hello everyone,
Just a quick note. First of all, thank you for your support and understanding. We greatly appreciate it.
Nao has an appointment with a psychiatrist today at noon (which is why this is a quick note, because I have to get Nicole ready to go and then swing by the jr. high to pick up my son) and we're hoping that the psychiatrist can prescribe an anti-depressant for Nao to make him feel a bit better until he can really begin to attack his feelings through therapy.
I don't like putting him on medication but I'd feel worse if he killed himself.
Thank you again for the support you've all given to our family.
God bless you all,
Michiko
 
Michiko thank you and Brian for the love and the support you both give Nao. You have no idea what that means to him. God that all our parents were like his.
 
Brian
It's very unlikely that Nao has any intention of killing himself, few suicides are done by cutting.
Cutting is something I barely understood untill a few weeks ago when I was in my group therapy session.

There are two cutters in the group, and one guy came in with a fresh cut from his nose back to his neck that he'd done the night before.

For over an hour he talked, and the other guy added a bit, about cutting and self harm.
I listened in tears, but I also recognised many of the things that drove these guys to cut also drove me to act out sexually with strange men.

'Mark' talked of the planning he did when he cut himself. The way he would find an old towel to keep the blood off the carpet, and the antiseptic and bandages he would have ready.
I also planned in detail.

He went on to describe the release, the pure rush of 'feeling free' that cutting gave him, a similar feeling to the one I got when I 'scored'

We also share the guilt and shame afterwards.

The behaviours of many Survivors can be linked together when you look behind the actual behaviour and go in search of reasons.
Which is one reason groups such as this one at MS have so much to offer, we understand what makes another Survivor tick.

And a lot of the cause and effects we go through are circular in the course they run.
We feel guilt and shame over what happened to us ( falsely, but it takes a while to realise this ) so we believe that this is our natural condition.
And then we feel that feeling good isn't "what we do" - so we sabotage any good feelings by cutting or acting out and return to an even greater depth of guilt and shame. It's somewhere we feel at home because it's what was imprinted on us at a very impressionable time in our development. Thankfully Nao is young and should move past this guilt and shame easier than guys like me who have had over 30 years to imprint it.

The advice so far is all good I think, no matter how strong your instinct is to 'heal for him' as his parents, I don't think it will ever happen.
It's something that 'we' do, and it's a great deal easier with loving support, which is where your instincts will come in I'm sure.
I have no experience as a father unfortunately, but I do have some dim memories of being a teenager, and I have many young people in my life as well, and I do know that many teenagers have a reaction against 'authority' anyway, and it's going to be difficult to tell that apart from the desire to heal by himself that he surely has.

Another thing 'Mark' mentioned was the frustration he felt before he cuts, which was born out of not being listened to ( he has little support from his wife and family ) Nao is being listened to, but is there another source of frustration, or something different like rage ?

He's getting help,understanding, love and support.
For that he's a lucky young man

Dave
 
Brian, Miko, and Nao,

I don't think you understand how much support YOU give US here. You give me hope. Hope for the future and hope for the victims.

One day, thanks to fine people like you, there WILL be no more victims! I am CONVINCED of this!

Peace and love to you all,

Scot
 
Scot - I truly hope you are right. Child abuse is one of the worst crimes in our society. Children deserve our love and protection and there is no reason, at all, for hurting the little ones. I too pray for a world where children are safe.

Nao took one of his anti-depression pills (Zoloft) this morning. I'm not entirely sure how fast they start working. He's down at the mall now with his friends (or that's where he said he was going). It's good to see him go out and do something fun again. It gives me a little hope that things will be alright.

Peace to you all and thank you again for your support.
Michiko
 
Most pdoc's will tell you to give them 2 weeks to start working. I hope this works, for me starting on them was very good for me. Your family is in my prayers

James
 
Nao, Brian and Miko have been exposed as the work of a fraudster.
The topic has been closed

Lloydy
 
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