had a realization this morning


It is only now 6 hours later coming to me as important. I used to be confused by my sexuality in the way that I worked so hard to get women into bed completely believing I was in love then in micro seconds after my first orgasm with them I couldn't get away fast enough. I was repulsed by the sight of them, and ashamed and confused by this reaction. Yet I continued to need to have contact for the emotional content of it.
I have know for many months that that emotional "need" was based on my need for my mother or father as a child when I was not safe. I resolved, realized that I wasn't homosexual as a teen but I never understood those repulsion reactions which weren't always as intense and sometimes didn't happen.
I've been essentially celibate for years now so I couldn't evaluate if it still happens. But I digress;
Today it came to me that I react this way for the same reason I am mainly attracted to redheads, the aunt who sexually abused me was a redhead and she put me through all sorts of intentionally emasculating sexual "games". I think she is probably the one who tied the tournequet on my penis. SHe thought me too fearless and meant to unman me literally and figuratively so that she could control me when I grew up.

I am pretty sure she connived behind the scenes to get my family to send me to the shelter and she worked at the hospital where I was experimented on and abused. I think she was a candytriper there occasionally before she3 became a nurse or maybe she just used her uniform to gain access and pay of the abusers with sex or money. She was getting me abused to destroy my memory of what she did and so she could blame it on the blacks she recruited to abuse me and so she could say I'm crazy so nothing I say is valid.
Yea it's all very complex and intertwined and I was probably put in the place where those people racially abused me becasue it was thought that they would do exactly what they did.

Enough for now.



Talk about a major breakthrough in your recovery process.

I applaud and congratulate you on this self discovery.

Those I've found are the best one's in our recovery journey.

It feels good to make steps like this and realize things, make progress.

Congrats KT.

Good luck with your recovery.



Why am I now remembering my abusers in the shelter telling me that they were holding me until the law was changed so that I couldn't get them in trouble? The law was changed back then during that time period I was held in the shelter then the bad foster homes.

Weird memory. I wonder if its wishful thinking or not. I lean toward it being real it fits with all the rest so nicely.

Thanks Charlie24, nice comments are nice to hear.


The law change I am refering to is a law about how records are kept. That unatural way Mafioso try to show they are reasonable and follow rules isn't limited to them. My abusers liked to pervert the system by following the letter of the rules and still not doing whast any decent person would know is meant to be done by those rules.
They knew this and it thrilled them to think how much smarter they were than the people who wrote the rules. What a bunch of morons.