H tries and I fall apart

[HD001]

So H has taken some steps forward this summer. This month he has committed to not drink for 30 days. He is continuing to go to counseling. He has been softer, kinder, and more open then I have seen in a very long time. He is willing to spend time with me and visit with me.
So why have I been falling apart? Seriously. I have been a complete mess these last few weeks. Tonight I couldn't go to dinner at his parents' house because I could not stop crying. H was kind and offered to wait for me but I told him to go. I knew it was going to be awhile. You would think that I would be feeling better and have a renewal of hope, and yes I do feel good about the direction things are going in. Also there is the nagging worry about when will it get bad again? When will the other shoe drop? I'm so sick and tired of being a ball of stress. I so tired of the csa rollercoster ride.

 

[journey4two]

I'm sorry you are experiencing that HD001. In my own similar struggle, I feel like I am being visited by a ghost... not literally, but a something that is whispering in my ear "Yes, but..." or trying to show my brain pictures of my H with the other men he acted out with. I struggle against it as best I can. I also see a therapist. Sometimes I let the image or thought in and ride the tide until I can let my own adult brain "talk myself down". Sometimes, though, my wounded inner child is louder and I dissolve into misery. I actually think the "ghost" might be a prompting of my own inner child who was long scarred before my H came into my life. Little me is so scared of actually being loved at this point. There seems to be an element of sabotage... casting doubt on the renewed love my H and I are experiencing. For us, though, this is a dangerous slope. My H in his woundedness reacts (sometimes) with shame when he sees my suffering or anger. Shame is what sends him to his acting out (at least that is my understanding). It is daily tightrope walk. I am hopeful that as I experience love and learn to trust it... as I continue to heal myself and so does my CSA survivor spouse that we will attach more deeply and securely to each other and these tough times will occur less frequently.

 

[Nicole]

I know what you mean. Right now, everything is going so well. He is doing everything possible to help himself heal, and words cannot express how proud I am of him for taking these steps. It's what I have desperately DESPERATELY wanted for years. And we are happy. So what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm a mess. I'm afraid. Afraid of being happy, afraid he will find out I'm not what he wants, afraid he will stop going to therapy, afraid of allowing myself to be happy, and open and vulnerable because it's hurts so much to be hurt. I'm afraid of everything. I just want to be able to believe again. Believe we will grow old together like we were supposed to. But,like you, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I could make these fears go away but I'm haunted by things that have happened in the past, things that hurt me deeply and I honestly don't know if I can endure being hurt again. I fell madly, deeply, insanely in love with this man years ago and the only thing I want is to be happy.
And now I'm afraid to be happy.
That's pretty messed up.

 

[focusedbody]

HD001:

Good to hear there has been progress on his end.

Sometimes I think intimacy, or lack thereof, can seem like a seesaw. When one person is strong, the other is weak, etc.

Having said that, I feel even worse for you for a moment. Not only do you have a rollercoaster to contend with, but a teeter-totter too. All of that can be so exhausting.

So why have I been falling apart?

Maybe the question to ask is not why you have been falling apart, but what particular thing you have been holding together for so long.

Perhaps then you can find where you it feels you have been.

And what would be an easier ride to go on next.

FB

 

[HD001]

Thanks for the support.
I went to the ER today. I haven't set foot in a hospital in ten years. I've been suffering from panic attacks recently. Which I know how to handle okay. But I have been having an issue with my calf muscle. I always feels tight and was getting so hot that I would have to put it in a bucket of ice before bed. Id been rolling and massaging it constantly and nothing helped. Well this morning I felt short of breath. So I google "if I have a blood clot would I know it. " Big mistake. I read a story about a young woman who had symptoms just like mine and she had a blood clot.
So I called the hospital and they said to go to the ER. After an ultrasound they gave told me my veins (even the varicose one) are fine. The doc said that he think the sensations in my calf are from an injury in my low back. All my vitals were great. I feel like a moron.
I'm sure that the shortness of breath is probably from panic which I feel so often. I told H I'm sure I'm having a nervous breakdown and that I need to minimize the stress for a few months so that I can recover. He just gets annoyed and suggested that I just want to make him feel bad. I got angry. And told him this is not about his guilt. I'm not mad at him I just want to get better. But its always about him.

 

[gettingstronger]

Hi HD001,

I understand the see-saw and roller coaster. Healing is a messy, nonlinear process with all sorts of ups and downs for the survivor, and unfortunately all this falls on the spouse as well. It's ok to fall apart if things are improving, especially if you've grown used to things going a certain way.

Besides things like setbacks, part of what makes the healing process so maddening and confusing is that healing from one issue (for instance, poor self-esteem) may open the door for another issue below it to rear its ugly head, thereby starting the process again. What's important to realize is that it's really NOT back to square one-- issue number one is still on its way to healing, but now he's ready to deal with issue two. But for spouses, it seems like issue one is happening all over again. I admire you and all spouses of survivors for being so willing to hang in there.

Also, falling apart is also normal because (a) the status quo is being disturbed, even for the better, (b) it's natural to wonder how long this "good stage" will last, (c) you may well wonder if this good stage have a cost of some sort attached to it, and so on. You've been through enough hurt to be on your guard a bit. I think that's a sensible thing.

So celebrate the progress, but, unfortunately, progress allows more work (generally ugly and painful) to be done. But it sounds like it IS getting done.

Sending love and strength to you and all the spouses who are brave enough to hang in there. Take care.

Bob