Guilty

Guilty
Bill_1965

Bill_1965

Hi Guys,

I am suffering from guilt tonight.

I my first round of SA occurred when I was 10, it lasted for about three months. I kept this a secret for 28 years. About two years after that SA, during my second bout, I came across the first perp, he had three or four kids in the van with him. He did not know who I was. My initial thought was why didnt he remember who I was. How could he have done this to me and not remember who I was. I was an insignificant pile of worthless shit.

Now years later, all I can think about is the kids in the van with him. Was he assaulting them? Was he assaulting other kids? If he couldnt remember me, one of his victims, he must have had more. I did nothing to stop him from assaulting more children. I never told anyone of my assault for 28 years. If I would have told someone 28 years ago, when I was being assaulted, I know I could have prevented some other children from the same fate that fell upon myself. But I did not. I kept it secret, hidden with my shame and broken spirit. So if he did sexually assault those or other kids, it was my fault for not standing up for them.

I was told tonight how could I expect a broken shell of a 12 year old, that was me, to prevent others from that fate. But I cannot help but to feel guilty. Guilty for not speaking. Guilty for not standing up and saying hey, that guy molested me, get those kids with him to safety, stop him. I am guilty for not preventing the possibility others were sexually assaulted. I am guilty of the pain they feel today.

Sorry that I did nothing,

Bill
 
Hello Bill,

There's a lot of pain in the words you wrote tonight. And I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

I, too, still feel guilt about not reporting the man who abused me. He died last November and I am still in the process of getting ready to disclose and confront the whole circumstance surrounding the years of sexual abuse.

I know beyond any reasonable doubt that he continued to keep young males, like he kept me, for sexual abuse, for the rest of his life. As far as I know, he was never 'caught' or 'punished'. And my guilt over my complicity in hiding his predatory nature, continues to gnaw at me.

One thing that has helped me is to do what you are doing, which is to acknowledge the feelings of guilt.

Following the acknowledgement, I have been able with my therapist to see that there are other very powerful emotions lying beneath the guilt.

There is an intense feeling of sadness. Avery real grieving for the boy named Danny who was lost so many years ago. And grieving for all those other nameless boys who came before and after me.

The grieving is an important part of my recovery and there are lots of good materials to help me with processing that.

A lot of anger is trapped under my guilt also. It is a variation on the old "anger turned inward becoming depression" syndrome. Only in this case the anger turned inward becomes guilt.

When I have begun to experience and process the anger in a constuctive way, I have felt a considerable lightening of the burden of the guilt.

Also performing acts of service, much like what you are doing here tonight, is one way to show that I am truly sorry for not reporting the abuse back then.

Now I am in a position to help those boys and I do help whenever I can. It may not be the same boys and the same perp, but that is now out of my control.

Bill, you never know, maybe one or more of the boys in that van, will come to this site and read your words and get the help and encouragement he needs to start to recover.

Living in the wreckage of the past renders me impotent to contribute to a better present, or hope for a brighter future.

Bill, you are doing the right thing today. Today you are making a difference. Today you are working hard to overcome the sexual victimization that was not your fault. You didn't cause it nor can you alone cure it.

But you do get to make a contribution today and you are making a wonderful one from all I see.

Thanks for bringing your pain and guilt here. It helps me feel not so alone and afraid. Hang in there, buddy, this too shall pass. You are moving forward in spite of the terrific burden from the past sexual abuse.

You're a good man, Bill. Never be ashamed because you were sexually abused, or even for some of your reactions to the abuse.

Let those who truly deserve it, the perps, have all their shame and all their guilt. Maybe that will make them lowly enough that God may spare them His wrath, but I don't think it will.

I hope it doesn't.

With best wishes to you, Bill,


Your brother,
 
Bill,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I don't like it when you feel bad. I feel bad when you feel bad. Your guilt needs to be acknowledged, honor it, and then let it run its course. Truth is, you have been standing up against victimization for the past two months, just by virtue of the fact that you have been sharing your inner life here where it is really needed.

It is only MNSHO of course, but I think it is misguided to assign such gravity to your situation as we would to such as that reserved for those institutional administrators who are gravely guilty of protecting prepetrators against backlash from their innocent victims. This is a very strong issue these days, and it is easy to accidentally get sucked into the fray accusing ourselves guilty by associating our private shame with the larger public issue.

One of the most important things I hear here often, is that the abuse is not your fault. One of the repercussions of having been abused is the sense of self-loathing that is carried within the soul of the SA victim. And the stepchild of that tendency to self-loathing results in a sense of complicity. You are not the guilty one Bill. Your perp is ever standing in the shadows allowing you to continue thinking you are somehow at fault. Our perps want us to forever keep buying into this belief. As long as we act as if we believe this, they are protected from recriminations.

Bill, you are part of the solution, not part of the problem. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling better already. ;)

My peace and prayers are with you brother,

Ron
 
Bill
But I cannot help but to feel guilty. Guilty for not speaking. Guilty for not standing up and saying hey, that guy molested me, get those kids with him to safety, stop him. I am guilty for not preventing the possibility others were sexually assaulted. I am guilty of the pain they feel today.
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You are not guilty of anything, you where a 12 year old boy who had no power to defened yourself. Even if you did tell would any one listen to you and stop it. When I was abused at 11yo I told but no one did a thing about it. I was powerless to stop it. Muldoon
 
Bill listen to these guys. What they are telling you is the truth.

Our perps are very devious and really know how to shift the blame. For a reason!!! Keeps us quiet for a long long time. As long as we are quiet they are safe. Sure he forgot you. You were just a piece of meat to use and discard!! Now that in itself should really set you to boiling not feeling guilty.

You are on the right path Bill. Just keep at it. If you know this piece of snake shit at all or his wherabouts you are totally in control of the situation now. Exposure my friend!.

Personally I dont think these perps give a shit who or how many they hurt. They are total users and discarders. They have no feelings except for themselves. They are one dimensional and are total phonies in life because no self respecting person would have anything to do with them if they knew the truth; except for maybe another of their kind. Think of that!! They exist in life and we are going to live it to the fullest.
 
Bill,

It's just not possible that you could have changed it. I think of the perp running free after I got away from the situation. Whom did he get next? How many? Why didn't I do something to stop him from hurting them? I was 16 1/2 by the time I got away.

But it wasn't possible for me to stop him. He planted the fear and shame too well, in what he knew was very fertile ground for such an evil crop. They don't stumble on victims, you know. They watch and plan and think ahead and manipulate and execute. They get better with practice, too. You weren't the first one. It wasn't your responsibility at 12 (or the first victim's responsibility) to stop the perp any more than it was mine at 16.

Bill, I see my responsibility today is to heal as best I can. I need to prepare to live the kind of life that I always deserved, and to get out there and live it. If, like me, you find that coming here and sharing helps in healing, you will be helping others in your own process. I personally feel good about doing that.

You're not the rightful target of guilt; you were only an innocent human being, with natural human needs. In my case those needs were unnaturally neglected, even previously abused. Perhaps you endured the same "preparation." A sick man saw your needs and used you in his flight from his own sickness.

Be gentle with yourself because you deserve it.

Joe

(Had to come back and edit this to be "me and I." I'll try to do better on not speaking for the world. Progress, not perfection,...)
 
I can understand where you are coming from as I am pretty much going through that now. I've only recently actually allowed myself to come to grips with the fact that I was a victim and not a willing participant. I've never actually stopped blaming myself for actually doing the act until recently. I always figured that since I went along with it and participated that I must have been a perverted kid but that's not true. I was 10 and he was a grown man, a school administrator so he was the one in the wrong, not me. Now I feel almost even worse for never saying anything about it for fear that I would have people think I was gay for letting it happen. I figured that people would have to ask why I went along with it and I didn't want to deal with anymore than I already was dealing with. Plus I didn't at the time feel like he was doing anything wrong to me, as stupid as that sounds. Afterall I thought I enjoyed it and he told me it was all normal but noone ever admitted it. He left our school the next year and would you believe that one day I found a "balloon launch" balloon out in the field beside my house. My mom and I responded to the card and lo and behold it was from a student at the school where he had gone to. I remember getting called to the office one day and being told that he had called the school to say how he had received the card and how neat it was that it came back to my school. I remember they put it up on a bulletin board in the hall and I had to walk past it everyday and it would remind me of it and what a pervert I was. Now I only realize that he probably went on and did this to other boys and I have that guilt to deal with. I have tried to look him up to see if he is still at a school but can't find a record. I hate to say this but I really don't want to go any further with pursuing him. I'm simply not strong enough and I have 2 kids now and don't want to bring this into their lives.
 
Bill, Adam

It was a secret ! they told us it was "what we wanted", that "they were doing it because we liked it".

But above all they told us -
"THIS IS A SECRET BETWEEN US, AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING NOBODY WILL BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY"

So what could we do ?

Dave
 
This is something that bothers me too.

My first perp had children of his own, and I sometimes wonder if he abused them. One of them contacted me about a year or so before I realized what he'd done. I haven't talked to her since, and now I'm not sure that I can. In retrospect, I think she was abused, becuase I can recall a time when we were little and at her grandmothers (who was also kinda like my grandmother) and she wanted to sleep in the same bed as me. I suppose I'll never know because even if I do talk to her again, how do you ask something like that?

My second perp had younger siblings, and I also often wonder if he abused them, or other kids. This is the one that really tears me up because I recall that abuse and have for years. I don't know if he abused them, but there is still this feeling that I wasn't a series of isolated incidents and if I had told they would have been safe. Even now I still wonder if he is abusing children and weather I ought to say something in case he is. It's not exactly something I want to make publicaly known however unless I'm sure my discomfort would do some good.

Eric
 
Bill

It is something amazing, I talk at someone tonight. It is person who first mention anything of old coach at me, the person who make me start thinking of all this again, and to start deal of it. I finally talk at him again, and I ask him if his contact with this man go beyond the touch he mention at me before. And he start crying at me, and saying he should have said something before, it is his fault that other people maybe be hurt.

It bother me, because it is not him to have guilt or be ashamed. HE did not abuse me, or anyone else who suffers of this man. He was just another child who was hurt, he can not take on the blame of all this. But I understand,because even now, I worry that I have not spoken against this man, and he is still coach. But, I try remind of myself that it is not my guilt or blame either, I need to heal of myself more first before I could possible do something of him. Is as the airplane, the adult is to put on oxygen mask first, in order to help child, right?

The guilt and blame are his, not yours. I can say that, everyone here can say that, but it is hard to belive of it, and I understand that. I just hope it feel right at you someday. I wish you well.

Leosha
 
I too feel guilty because the cousin who sexually abused me got custody of his children after he divorced his wife (I was 19). I wanted to say something, in fact I told my mother I would say something but she asked if I was prepared to destroy the family. I bought it. I didn't say anything. I now wonder what he did to his kids. I don't see them but still wonder what might have occurred if I had said something.
 
Chris
We all do what seems right at the time, don't beat yourself up about it.

If you still have these suspicions about him then maybe an anonymous call to the authorities in the area will be enough to make sure those kids are safe.

It's not the 'cowards' way of doing it either, it's a practical way of ensuring our safety.

dave
 
Times were so different 30, 40, 50 years ago. We didn't hear of people molesting children. When we did, we thought it was the only one and were happy that the perp would not be able to harm others.

Today, I think most children will be believed, if they can break the silence. But, just as we lived with all kinds of threats, I suppose todays kids do too.

The best thing for you Adam, and all the men here who have children or grandchildren, is to do all you can to make them safe.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has some excellent materials for parents and teachers. The first 50 copies will be sent to you for free.

Let us be vigilant about children, and in a special way, about teens. They think they could never let anyone harm them. So, they take some risks that are senseless.

Peace to you guys. I doubt much would have been done in the past. About a year ago I reported a boy living with a 31 yo woman as tohugh he was her husband. The police and child welfare got invovled. They did nothing. So, even today, it is difficult to get people to believe that children are in danger, and that they do not want to be sex toys.

Bob
 
If you still have these suspicions about him then maybe an anonymous call to the authorities in the area will be enough to make sure those kids are safe.
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I did that about 10 years ago when I heard my parents were trying to adopt a 12 year boy from Mexico. I don't know exactly what happened, and I know they weren't arrested or something but at least they didn't adopt him. And they never tried again. But I still wonder if I was their only "sex toy", it's hard to believe people so sick can just "stop"...
 
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