guilt upon guilt [maybe triggering[
Feeling the heavy heavy weight of guilt these days. it's crushing sometimes. most of the time. I told my mother about my SA last week. hadn't told her ever, since it happened 26 years ago. Told my brother last year. he was stunned and upset and super supportive. my mother was stunned, and tried to be supportive. but i felt the guilt the whole time, and felt her need and demand to have me tell her it wasn't her fault. which of course it was. she was absentee, she didn't check up at all on my guardian, and never came to visit once in the seven months i was away from home - at 13 years old - and was getting abused by my guardian the entire time.
The guilt kept me quiet then, the guilt consumes me now - as my wife is constantly angry with me for my lack of sexual ability due to the SA. She tries to be supportive, is good most of the time, but the anger is always there, always ready to erupt at a moment's notice. and i just fell guilty all the time.
i've spent the last two years in therapy, working really hard on myself, my self-esteem, reading every book i can get my hands on about shame and guilt and rebuilding self-love and esteem. the overall theme of this seems to be to feel positive and know you're worthwhile and keep working, moving, etc. that "everything is a lesson". trying really hard to understand the lesson in this sexual inability, the all-consuming guilt, the pain and frustration and constant self sabotage. maybe life weeds out the weak, maybe if we can't get strong we just die; suicide, cancer, or protracted silence and guilt and pain unto death. maybe that's the lesson. anyway, i have a kid and will keep going. suicide is not an option - a realization that has only settled in deep in the last year. two years ago i tried to kill myself.
I come here and rant. i usually apologize for ranting, but I don't want to apologize anymore. i'm SO tired of apologizing to everyone; my wife for sexual problems and trouble with money; my mother now for not telling her i was abused; my bosses; my therapist........i need to vent, i need and love you guys for being here, for being part of me and me you all. so when i hit bottom, i rant.
that's it. thanks for being here. and my sincere deep-hearted wishes and best hopes for all of you as i wish the same for myself.
alex
The guilt kept me quiet then, the guilt consumes me now - as my wife is constantly angry with me for my lack of sexual ability due to the SA. She tries to be supportive, is good most of the time, but the anger is always there, always ready to erupt at a moment's notice. and i just fell guilty all the time.
i've spent the last two years in therapy, working really hard on myself, my self-esteem, reading every book i can get my hands on about shame and guilt and rebuilding self-love and esteem. the overall theme of this seems to be to feel positive and know you're worthwhile and keep working, moving, etc. that "everything is a lesson". trying really hard to understand the lesson in this sexual inability, the all-consuming guilt, the pain and frustration and constant self sabotage. maybe life weeds out the weak, maybe if we can't get strong we just die; suicide, cancer, or protracted silence and guilt and pain unto death. maybe that's the lesson. anyway, i have a kid and will keep going. suicide is not an option - a realization that has only settled in deep in the last year. two years ago i tried to kill myself.
I come here and rant. i usually apologize for ranting, but I don't want to apologize anymore. i'm SO tired of apologizing to everyone; my wife for sexual problems and trouble with money; my mother now for not telling her i was abused; my bosses; my therapist........i need to vent, i need and love you guys for being here, for being part of me and me you all. so when i hit bottom, i rant.
that's it. thanks for being here. and my sincere deep-hearted wishes and best hopes for all of you as i wish the same for myself.
alex