Guilt/fear due to pleasure

[cellslave]

I've had an incestous relationship with my mother since the age of about 10. At first it was wierd, but by the age of puberty I really enjoyed the physical contact that we had. Now that I live alone I don't see my mother as much. I still love my mother and I try to avoid that physical contact today, because of the guilt I feel afterwards. But then I wonder if I'll ever get that pleasure from anyone else. I know this is anxiety rearing it's ugly head, but It's hard being alone. This fear of not having this intimacy with any other female keeps me going back to my mother, then I feel guilty afterward. It's a never ending cycle. Thanks for letting me vent

 

[Dewey]

I'm so sorry that your mother didn't protect you from herself. She definitly crossed over your boundries there. Now you get to pick up the pieces and make some sense of your life. My mom used to have me shave her legs with an electric razor while she was in her underware. I never really thought anything of it as a kid.But now sometimes the thought flashes back. It's tough enough trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife, just due to the fact that we're two different people. It takes compromise and a ,"laying our lives down for another out of love", if you will. When you factor in the sexual exploitation that we endured, by whomever the perpetrator was, it can rob the refreshing, relaxing gift of sex meant to be shared between her and I. It somehow makes us feel guilty for enjoying something meant to be so freeing. D.

 

[Morning Star]

When abuse happens at an age when it is also a pleasurable experience for the victim, it makes the line between love and sex blur up for the victim. Thus he would always look for love in similar patterns, places where it is likely to be abused, till he realizes that what he felt wasnt true love, just a mimic, lust mimicking as love. It is no fault of your fault that you feel the way you feel, as here, feeling loved means getting turned on or hitting-on the object of your love.

Freedom from this short circuit is possible when you learn to separate love and sex, when one need not follow love with sex, they are not synonyms. Try practicing that.

Though true freedom, lies in finding love in yourself, when you dont need anyone else to make you feel loved; know that when you connect with your own Self you wont feel the need to get intimate with anyone, as you would feel so, always - one with all that is.

 

[onlyakid]

I had an incestous relationship when I was 11 or 12 with my older brother for about a year until he moved out to live with our father. Even though it was pleasurable and at sometimes I initated it, it still was abuse and so is your relationship with your mom. I know its difficult to realize that someone whom you love hurt you that much but it is the truth. I know I still struggle being angry with my brother.

Jason

 

[reality2k4]

I cannot add much to what the others have said.

I dont even know about the pleasure side of it, but I can perceive the damage it does.

This is only my thought, but I believe the pleasure part could be the biggest reason for abuse to carry on undetected because of how boys need to react to stimulation.

This is the guilt of blaming himself forever.
Nobody had the right to do that to you, she has marred this 'relationship' forever.

I hope you can find the right therapist to guide you,

ste

 

[andrew51]

cellslave, you need to find a therapist. What happened to you was beyond inappropriate. Thank you for sharing with us and please seek counselling to help you. Peace, Andrew

 

[roadrunner]

Cellslave,

The issues you are facing are serious ones and I agree with Andrew that you really need to seek professional help.

The feelings you have are not your fault and you should not blame yourself for them. We are all sexual beings, and when a boy is introduced to wrong sexual experiences and feelings it is not his fault if he gets a sense of pleasure from them. The problem is that when this occurs to us at a young age it wrecks whatever sense of boundaries we may already have and prevents us from establishing good ones in the future.

Seeing a therapist won't be a sign of weakness or mean you are a freak. It will mean you are recognizing the fact that in order to get through the pain and trauma of such problems real expertise and guidance are essential. One thing a T will do is help you to break the connection you are making between normal sexual pleasure and guilt.

Much love,
Larry