GUILT - big time TRIGGERS

GUILT - big time TRIGGERS
R

Raphael

Registrant
Hi, guys. I would like to share with you something that happened to me and that I did not use to see as abuse but now I am looking at it from a different perspective.

I was about 15-16 yo and was spending summer vacation at the beach house with relatives and friends. Because the house was full, many of us had to sleep on sleeping bags on the floor. This guy, who is a relative and is about 3-4 years older than me, started touching my body while I was asleep. I woke up when he was touching my tights and then my penis and I was shocked but I felt paralyzed. I could not do anything. I could not move a finger. He gave me a blow job and went back to sleep. I was feeling so disgusted! The next day I was so angry with him but I did not say anything to him or to anyone else. The same thing happened many other times. I would be terrified when I it was time to go to bed expecting that he would come. And again I would feel paralyzed when he approached me.

It was very confusing because I could not understand why I couldn't stop him since I did not want him to do those things. At that time, the SA that occurred in my childhood was kind of lost in my memories and I had still not acknowledged it. With this guy, although I felt disgusted, I also had pleasure and was receiving the sexual gratification that my body and hormones craved for at that age. One of the nights he placed himself in a 69 position with his penis in my face and induced me to suck on it. Again, I felt a mix of fear, pleasure, shame and guilt. This went on for a while until the day that I made myself stay awake all night long and did not allow him to get near me. Then he stopped.

We never talked about these incidents and the room was always dark so we wouldn't even see each other. As we were close relatives we would talk to each other during the day and carry on with our lives in the family as if nothing was happening. I remember that the very first day he did it he was all careful with me and all nice and gentle, giving me things, etc, probably afraid that I would say something. But I was so afraid of people's reaction that I didn't say anything. Everyone in the family suspected that I was gay so I thought that they would blame me for what had happened.

In some instances after we had stopped, this guy would try other strategies to catch me. For example, once when we were talking in the living room and no one was around, he had the flyer of his pants open and I could notice he had an erection. Later he started leaving porn gay videos for me in my bedroom. I was very confused about my sexuality but I didn't think of myself as a gay man and did not want to be gay. But I did feel attracted to men and would masturbate watching those videos. Still, I was able to manage getting away from him and his traps. One day I went to his home to pick up something. He had recently gotten married but his wife was not there then. He invited me in and as we were talking he turned on the TV and there was a gay porn video playing. Again I felt paralyzed. He put his hand on my legs. I prayed to God to give me strength to do something and then was able to stop him and leave the apartment.

I was very confused all those years but somehow thankful and proud of being able to resist him. But then something happened years later. I was doing therapy and was fed up of being the perfect boy, the good boy that wanted to please everyone. So I had the (terrible) idea of doing something bad on purpose to prove it to myself that I could break that pattern. I don't know why I had that stupid idea. I went looking for this guy and this time I did not want to be the victim. I wanted to be the initiator. So I said I wanted to give him a blow job and I took off his pants. I only got it started when he came and gave me a blow job. I ejaculated so quickly and then all of a sudden it was as if I had woken up. I was disgusted by what I was doing and run away as quickly as possible. I haven't hardly spoken to him ever since. I felt so ashamed, and so guilty. What makes me feel so guilty even to this day is that I was already married when that happened. I feel so unfaithful for that, so unworthy of my wife's love.

I am so sorry for this long message and for the graphic details. I hope it has not offended anyone. I needed to tell someone about this. And because I feel so guilty and did not want to hide any details. I needed to get them all out.

It is because I feel guilty that sometimes I think of telling my wife about the effects of the SA and the gay porn addiction, and this incident. But on the other hand I am afraid of her reaction. Not that if she wants to leave me I don't feel that I deserve that. It would destroy me but sometimes I feel I need to be punished. She would have all the right to punish me. I know it all sounds horrible to say that but I need to say it because that is the voice playing in my mind all the time.

Again, sorry for the length of this message and thank you for reading it.
 
Rapahel, firstly you do not have to be punished for anything.
You are a good person, very committed to change positively so much. I very admire that.

Yes you are struggling but who wouldn't in such position?
What is terrible for me is the fact that other family members forced you to be silent victim (you were so humiliated by their attitude toward you just because they thought that you are gay, all your basic human rights were violated and they contributed to this violation very much, there is no excuse for it).
That almost like paralysis feeling is, I think, some kind of a self defence. I experienced it few times and it was very scary. I was aware of my acts and at the same time of totally different movie in my had, my mind was split in peaces. I just couldn't do what I wanted to do, as if I was a robot, terrible.

I think that you would speak with your wife when you would conclude that you are ready for it. You shouldn't be scared of guilt and shame in front of her. I am sure that she loves you, that is the most important thing.

Thank you for being so open, it is very positive sign.
Ivo
 
Dear Raphael,

Ivo is right. It is a great sign that you are able to come and write about this.

Please do not worry about offending or harming anyone here by what you wrote. That is exactly what this place is for.

I too believe the paralysis feeling you spoke of is a sort of defence mechanism--and I believe there is literature in the field that supports this belief.

So by thinking about it as doing the best that I could and the paralysis as a defense mechanism, takes away a lot of the shame and guilt involved in me thinking that 'I did nothing'.

I am a gay man. And when I was young, I desired sexual contact with other men. But that does not make it right for an adult man to have sex with me.

I hope you will keep coming here and talking about what you feel. It is a powerful medicine to simply let these thoughts and feelings out.

When all of this abuse stuff stays trapped in our minds it can grow out of proportion. By talking about it with people who understand, I am able to get a much better perspective on it.

Giving another man a blow job is not the most horrible thing in the world that can happen. Sure it is troubling in the light of your past experiences, but in and of itself a blowjob is just a blowjob. Some mutual pleasure should be involved and of course consent.

But the weight of the history of abuse causes the blow job to become hugely important and overwhelming feelings surround it.

Please be gentle with yourself. And forgive yourself for these things that you have used to seek relief and healing for yourself. Trying to overcome the effects of sexual abuse is not a sin nor a crime.

You were doing the best you could do at the time. You are by now aware I am sure that sexual abuse has long lasting and often severe consequences for the victim.

So give yourself a break. The fact that you weren't able to "just get over it" or magically heal yourself instantly is an indication of how serious the damage was. And not a sign of weakness or sinfulness on your part.

It seems to me that you went to get/give the blowjobs as a part of your trying to get through this damage on your own. There is no shame there.

Thank God, that we no longer have to live alone with this sexual abuse.

I am glad that you are here. You have helped me a lot.

Take care and be especially gentle with yourself.

You are a worthwhile and valuable man,

Regards,
 
Hi Raphael,


What you describe certainly sounds abusive to me; I think you are right in seeing it as abuse. There is a big power difference between a 15-16 year old and an 18-19 year old. The fact that he approached you as you slept increased his power. The paralysis is something I can relate to. As I understand it, its the place between fight or flight when you can do neither its the frozen with fear', as you say this was a conditioned response to your earlier abuse. The sexual gratification only adds to the guilt and the false idea that you are to blame, it is only the response of your body, nothing that we can control.

I can totally understand why going back years later to be the initiator, not the victim would be a powerful compulsion for you. You were trying to heal the wound, by regaining control. That was not an act of sexual infidelity; it may have had nothing to do with sex as such. I dont see it as anything to be ashamed of; it was an attempt to put a line under this, to regain the control he had taken from you.

Another aspect might be that as you were carrying so much guilt, shame and felt like a bad person not the perfect good boy that you needed to act out this feeling in this way. I know that that is something I used to do, be perfect, and do the right thing yet the bad part would have to be acted out, to in some way to express the shame and punish myself for being bad inside.

It sounds very painful and it sounds that you are doing far too much punishing of yourself already. As to talking to your wife, its your choice and you can do it when you are ready. I think you need to forgive and understand yourself first. If you tell her now full of your own guilt, shame and your feelings of deserving punishment there is a danger of it looking bigger than it is to her.

.

I hope writing helps reduce your guilt about this. You are a man trying to heal from this and that is all anyone including yourself can ask of you.

I dont know if I have made any sense to you, so feel free to ignore.

Take care,

Rustam.
 
Raphael, relax buddy and don't feel badly. You reacted the way most 15 or 16 yo kids might react. Hopefully you are getting some therapy and focussing on the positive family life that you enjoy with your wife. Peace, Andrew
 
Thank you, friends. It helps a lot to read your messages and get the perspective of fellow survivors. I know I need to read this thread many times to convince myself of what you are saying. Not that I doubt you, no! But it is just the the guilt and shame are very strong and I know it takes some effort to replace it with compassion, forgiveness, understanding. Just coming out here and writing it down, with as much detail as possible, and as honestly as possible, feels like a balm to my soul.

I can totally understand why going back years later to be the initiator, not the victim would be a powerful compulsion for you. You were trying to heal the wound, by regaining control. That was not an act of sexual infidelity; it may have had nothing to do with sex as such. I don't see it as anything to be ashamed of; it was an attempt to put a line under this, to regain the control he had taken from you.
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Thank you, Rustam. I think you were able to put it a way that my heart was trying to articulate but with no success.
 
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