Guilt, anxiety...here I go again. Trigger?

Guilt, anxiety...here I go again. Trigger?
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Printer57

Registrant
Okay, ready for this one? Since I've opened up about what happened to me, I've been dealing with high levels of guilt. But it dosen't end there, some how in my mind, I suppose I blame myself for what happend to me, and now I'm living in fear of being arrested!
Please believe me when I say that I NEVER have had any problems with the law. Neve even had a speeding ticket. I have family member who is a Police officer. But when i see PD cars on the road or in the neighborhood, I get the image of me getting arreseted. Don't understand why that image comes in my mind. But I know that I've not done anything.
This of course leads to anxiety, stress on and on.
maybe I have to stop blaming myself. When I told my wife, from what I remember, I remember sobbing how sorry I was. I know it wasn't my fault. I guess I just don't believe it wasn't my fault.
Peace be with all of us.
Printer
 
You're not alone with the police. For some reason if I am in traffic and there is a police car, I get very nervous and usually make sure they get around me. If I am at a traffic light, I keep thinking I have probably done something wrong. I don't have a clue why I do this and it has gotten better over the last few years. I've always been this way though.

Don
 
Brother,

Be gentle with yourself. It takes time to let that garbage go, because of what the @$$holes left us with. They made us believe garbage we NEVER should have had to hear. We were kids, and kids remember this stuff. We can un learn it, but it takes time.

I'm going thru a crisis of that now, but we HAVE to believe it. Have to, because we are children of the universe who got screwed over by evil people. We are not evil. They were.

My broither, I'm thinking of you and I'm pulling for you. I wish it were more, but that can be enough.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
I've experienced similar feelings, fears, anxieties since I came out with my secrets too. I don't necessarily fear the police, but I do have a lot of difficulty with people who are in a position of authority. I've also thought I've seen my perp outside my windows, in cars around me, parked down the street. I lock my doors in the daytime when I'm home, I look behind the shower curtain to see if he is hiding there. These are awful, day-time nightmares while I am fully awake. I know they irrational yet I feel more comfortable if I lock the door, etc. It helps to ease my anxiety. Keep telling yourself that it is irrational, that you haven't done anything wrong, that the police are not after you. The more you tell yourself these things and as time passes, the feelings of guilt and paranoia will dissipate. You did nothing wrong, believe it because it is true. I wish you peace, it will come.
 
Printer... you are not alone in these thoughts, as you can see. I am still feeling enormous guilt after having told the secret that I had been hiding. I fear everyday that my g/f or therapist will use my secret against me, to get people not to believe me, etc. Or that my stepfather will find out that I'm telling on him and come after me.

I think that for some reason SA turns on a lot of switches when you're young. Fears, obsessions, guilt. It's almost like our brains get stuck in a pattern of thought or behavior.

My therapist does a lot of work with the different "parts" of me. When I am telling on my abuser, it's as though I have a little child version of me saying, "Shut up! No! What are you doing?!?" Makes it hard to deal with this stuff in the adult frame of mind when you have all of these fears from when you were young.

The association with the police isn't far-fetched with getting in trouble or doing something you think was your fault or wrong. Makes logical sense if you see it from a young perspective.

-Sean
 
Printer,

You are not guilty, you are not guilty of getting yourself sexually assulted. The perp(s) are as guilty as hell. Screwed up game they played to shift the blame from them to us.

Learn to believe the truth, your are NOT guilty.

Bill
 
but I do have a lot of difficulty with people who are in a position of authority.
Click to expand...
This is where it comes from, it's not just the police - it's authority.

And it's no wonder we're suspicious, and even vengeful, against authority. Look what happened to us at the hand of people who had 'authority' over us ?
Our abusers used authority. No, they ABUSED authority to feed their sick desires.
And they did it to us when we were young boys, just at the most influential part of our growing up.

It's no wonder we're suspicious of authority.

Dave
 
Printer... ever since I was a teenager, I have disliked petty authority and those who could claim any sort of authority over me (abused just turned 12, so probably before I was a teenager).

*teachers ....that didn't just want to teach but wanted to control (if they had been able to teach they wouldn't have needed to control). *Had some good ones as well!

**Employers that thought you had to look a certain way to do a certain job (did the whole long haired rebellious bit but maintained my manners).

***People that thought you were subversive/subhuman/dense/violent because of that appearance.

****Cops that can pull you up when you are driving in a black car, on an unlit road, weearing a black t-shirt, sitting on black seats, because you are not wearing a seat belt - if they are driving with due care and attention, how the hell do they work that one out?

*****Cop in a car behind me...I stay in a gear that will not allow me to exceed the speed limit.

Getting arrested? Probably you still think that you did something wrong! You didn't...perp did!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Guilt is a rather common feeling with SA, and I deal with the same thing, intelectually we know it is not our fault, but emotionally we feel that it is. It is a tough feeling to get through, but in time it will diminish as you work on it. We were used and incredibly hurt by evil people, and they even made us believe the evil was in us, that is why it is so difficult to believe we are good and to stop blaming ourseles. Self-blame was so engrained in us it takes a long time to get rid of it, think of it like the opposite of a tree, which grows a ring for each year it lives, we have to get rid of all the outer rings before we can get to the deeper ones like the guilt. BUt you can make it through, just takes time and work. Take care of yourself and remember you are not to blame, you were hurt by evil people.

scott
 
Originally posted by MrDon:
You're not alone with the police. For some reason if I am in traffic and there is a police car, I get very nervous and usually make sure they get around me. If I am at a traffic light, I keep thinking I have probably done something wrong. I don't have a clue why I do this and it has gotten better over the last few years. I've always been this way though.

Don
Click to expand...
Yeah, I've felt that too even before this story happened. One time, I was speeding and the cop turned on his lights and started to turn around and, and not thinking I turned down a street, I guess to get away from him. Luckily it was a dead end street so no big chase followed and I didn't end up being arrested. The cop was obviously mad and gave me the max ticket he could. I don't know why I did it and maybe this had something to do with it.
 
Printer,

I know that guilt is something that most of us seem to feel often, even though the guilt, the shame, it is not of us, it is not ours. But I feel great deal of guilt, also, because I know that the man who abuse me, he also done it to others. And always I will feel some guilt of that. I am not certain of why you feel fear of arrest, but I hope that you will be able to get over fear. I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
Vision the asshole in cuffs....

I'm workin' to see my asshole locked up or in some deep shit-----if he is still alive....after 24 years i have the balls to cause some real pain...i'm tired of blameing myself-whippin' my ass...statues have long passed----but i don't give a fuck....

set yourself free.....if you can prosecute--- do it.


Best..............Mike
 
I live with a a lot of guilt also. I think something you said, it make lot of difference. You say you don't think you want to believe it wasn't your fault. I think that is important thing to remember. Because in the lack of control we have had, in the chaos we have had, what is in our brains has become our friend. It maybe isn't such good friend, maybe it tell us something bad sometime. But it is something familiar, something of comfort to us. So if what we feel, that we are responsible for what happen to us, if that is in our head, it is the familiar and comfortable. It is scary to push that away, even if it does damage to our thinking. But, I think we do have to do that, to move ahead. Because that thinking will keep us there, in that state of mind. And how healthy, really, was that state of mind? I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
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