Guess it was what did it for me!

Guess it was what did it for me!
R

reality2k4

Registrant
I guess so much I craved one girl in my school, I grew up with her through many years, and she did fancy me.

We almost grew up together, even though maybe she lived a mile or so from my home, I was always at her house because my mom knew her mom.

I was at an all male school, until they decided to mix sexes in schools, and who did I see!
Helen!
This was to be a huge turning point in my life, as we loved each other as kids, but this was new.

I was turned on by her, and maybe her by me, but I took her on a date, at 14yo, and must have gave her the look that said I was holding things back from her, and not being able to explain.

Abuse just hit every type of relationship I could think of at that time, but I asked her friend to try and explain that I did love her, but it never worked out, I never understood, but guess I never should have tried because I was naive.

Her friend who knew her best, said she would go out with me, and I should have taken her offer up,she was pretty cool.

I guess I could not handle how abuse had f*cked up getting the girl I loved.
This cycle is repeated through my teen life, and it really did me freak out, that abuse just got me to think I was some freak show.

It is pretty much going on in adult life too, because I still think I am worthless, but what is new,

ste
 
I can relate to thet Ste, I lost all sorts of chances with girls, due to my abuse. I couldnt be honest and learned that girls like honesty.

So for years I stayed away from girls. Then my mother asked me if I was gay!! You cant win.
 
Ditto, for me guys. I messed my relationships up because I was afraid of commitment. I also tried to pretend that I was stronger than life itself and that made me look and act stuck up. I couldn't tell you how many girls I lost because of the attitude I carried around trying to look and act like I was more man than any man. The abuse had me feeling worthless and I tried to counter it with over expressing self confidence.
 
I too had a huge amount of trouble relating to girls. They scared the s*** outa me. I had one girlfriend in high school. I was the perfect gentleman. I did nothing even remotely inappropriate with or to her. I wanted to make sure I got it right. I knew how badly it had affected me to be inappropriately touched by Jimmy and taxi guy when I was younger and was determined never to do that to another person, especially one that I cared for, even loved.

It all blew up in my face anyhow. For reasons I was never able to comprehend, she dumped me after 6 months. I was devastated and simply could not risk being hurt again. I packed up my heart carefully and put it away where it could never be hurt again. I didn't even try to have another relationship for years. Couldn't risk it.

The thing of it was, I didn't make the connection between my inability to have relationships and my abuse, be it emotional, physical, or sexual, till after I started therapy just over 2 years ago now.

Good thread, ste.

Lots of love,

John
 
I had lots of relationships that were short lived. I always looked at it as enjoying my sex life but it was usually a fear of commitment that lead me on to the next and the next ect. I even would have left my wife behind after a few months but she was damn stubborn and waited for me to marry her 6 years later. I am glad she stuck by me.

When I think about those relationships I was wanting a long lasting, intimate one but always found problems most of which I probably created.
 
I think the most of it, was caused by fear of rejection.
I cannot be consistent with love, as I have so many backdrops to fall into.

I can really be outgoing, it is what I want to be, then bang, I just go into this quiet world of safety I find myself tucked into.

I used to so much reminisce on how good it would have been to still be with some of the girls I met along the way, then my subconscious tells me I could not have made it.

You cannot win,

ste
 
Ste,

I don't know when I started having sexual feelings for girls, I was too confused and messed up from abuse. My first girlfriend was a wonderful girl and we were very close, but any time things started to get sexual my head will fill up with images of what "he" had done or made me do and I thought now I am going to do the same thing to this girl.

I overcame that a year later and we first had sex with we were both 17. By that time I was well on my way into denial and I don't remember any abuse images either then or subsequently. But I was always very awkward with girls and, like John, could never understand why. The first woman that I really clicked with easily and happily was my wife (our 25th was in March! :) ).

I have to say that therapy has helped me a lot already in this area, even though it's something my T and I have not really explored in detail yet. Working on my abuse issues has helped me to see that problems I have in relating emotionally and sexually have roots that can be identified and resolved. Not feeling so lost and hopeless in these areas is an enormous relief.

Much love,
Larry
 
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