guess i should have posted this here?

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so my abuse started at 3ish, starting with my older cousins (mostly touching me when my parents weren't paying attention), and continued until I was 13. then I was raped twice as an adult.


the first rape I remember was when I was 5 while playing a game of hide and seek with my older brother and an older girl at her families house. she had 4 teenaged brothers.
I found a perfect hiding spot in one of the brothers closets. I knew it was off limits and I might get in trouble, but it was fun to watch through the closet door as my brother and the girl were going up and down the hall looking for me. I could also see into another bedroom that had a bench press that the older brothers were using. they looked like men, all grown up and muscular.
the guy came back in his room and shut the door. idk if he knew I was in there at first, but when he walked across the room, he made eye contact with me and I darted farther away from the door farther into the closet.
I was now trapped. and he knew it. he stood, looking into the crack that I was staring from. he took off his clothes slowly and kept smiling in my direction.
he walked over, naked, smiling like he knew he was in control (I hate that smile). He opened the door and I was hiding as far back as I could get into the closet.
he pretended he didn't know I was there his dick inches from my face. standing there naked and just pushing hung up clothes from side to side. then he stood right in front of me. he smelled so sweaty and I could feel the heat coming off his body and feel his dick touching my face. I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble for hiding in his room.
then he pushed closer into me and moved the clothes away. he looked down and smiled that stupid smile.
I looked up with his dick still on my face and didn't know what to do but cry.
I started sobbing.
he told me it was ok and that I wasn't in trouble. and he put the end of his dick in my mouth.
it was big already, but it got bigger and bigger. he told me I was doing a good job and tried to be nice to get me to stop crying. he started pushing me with his hands so that I was firmly against the wall and pushed his dick into my mouth slowly and then back out and told me I was going to get used to it if he did it slowly. I could feel his pre-cum and the pressure of his hot dick pushing in my mouth deeper and deeper.
I just kept crying, but I couldn't make a noise bc my mouth was full.
idk if he felt sorry for me or just knew I couldn't do what he wanted that way.
so, he leaned down and held me. he told me not to be scared and that he would help me calm down. that we were just going to hug.
he asked me if it was ok to pick me up and hold me. I said yes. he said first he was going to take my clothes off so he could warm me up when we hugged. he slowly undressed me and kept telling me that this was ok.
then he picked me up and held me and kissed me. he played with my hair and told me that I could feel his muscles if I wanted. his chest and pecs were so big and his forearms and hands were hairy.
he told me that he was proud of the way I sucked his dick and that he wanted to put his dick in me again.
I could feel it pulsing between my legs. he told me to put my legs around his waist and when I did, I could feel his dick on my hole.
he kept kissing me and holding me and lowering me down on his dick.
he told me it would be better if he sat on the bed so he could "hold me better".
he backed up and sat on the bed with me clinging to him like a baby monkey. he leaned over and got baby oil and rubbed it on my hole and let me watch him grease up his dick.
then he hugged me closer and lifted me up on his dick and started to work it in me. it hurt so bad that I started crying.
he told me, "I love you and I don't want to hurt you. you will get used to this. Im so proud of you for hugging me."
im sure he was trying to comfort me, but I now that he was just trying to keep me quiet.
eventually he was bouncing me on his lap and holding me with his right hand and covering my mouth with his left hand.
I just kept holding him, feeling the sweat and his muscles working as he raped me. I could taste his hand over my mouth, salty. and when he came, he slammed me down on his dick over and over. my ass hurt sooo much and it was so hot inside. I was crying silently.
he started to tell me again how he loved me and how proud he was of me. I was stuck there, impaled on his dick, left to just look at his face and wonder what the hell had happened. he slowly lifted me up off his cock and dressed me, then put his gym shorts back on. he walked me down the hall to the bathroom and stood me on the kids stool in front of the sink. he carefully cleaned off my ass and I saw there was blood on the toilet paper when I looked back. he smiled again and was back there a long time, trying to clean me and comfort me. he felt up my legs and my dick and ass. then pulled up my pants and hugged me. then he got naked and hopped in the shower right in front of me and closed the curtain on his muscles, his love for me and his blood covered dick.
I had no idea what to do. I was all alone in the room with this person. so I left and went into the attic. I got under their pool table and fell asleep.
when I woke back up, I went down stairs and it was time for dinner. I decided to sit next to him. it was like he didn't know me. what was I to him?
the next day was much worse, but that's for another time...
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