Growing Pains
healingheart
Registrant
Ironically, the struggle to claim good things in my life is quite a painful struggle. Ive worked so hard in therapy through some dark times and maladaptive coping mechanisms (you know- self-destructive behaviors).
I am building a good life for myself. At each step forward, I have to be still through so much shame. Its so painful.
Ironically- there is so much shame inside me that whenever I take positive steps forward, the shame flares up. Its as if someone turned a spotlight on me and that very light burns. My whole life, I was running away from the light. Finally several years ago, after a lot of work in therapy, I stopped running. Being still while feeling waves of shame is not easy. Learning to take one steady step forward through fear is a challenge.
I know why its so hard to change-- this is hard work. Its hard to walk through the feelings and be honest with my therapist about them. Its hard to stop running away. Its hard to identify when fear is warranted and when its unfounded.
Because of my childhood, I was afraid of things I had no reason to fear and completely unafraid of situations and people who were far from good for me. Its hard sorting the world when my entire blueprint and compass were damaged. But Im doing it.
I'm scared s---less to be honest. But I'm on the cusp of some great steps forward. Its not perfect and there are some risks... but nothing that isn't manageable and acceptable. It was an incredible experience today to talk with my therapist about the choice now before me. I'd never been able to be so honest and to feel so collaborative. Honestly, just five years ago I would make decisions all in my own head and then tell him about it.
Its late and I need to sleep. Good night, brothers.
I am building a good life for myself. At each step forward, I have to be still through so much shame. Its so painful.
Ironically- there is so much shame inside me that whenever I take positive steps forward, the shame flares up. Its as if someone turned a spotlight on me and that very light burns. My whole life, I was running away from the light. Finally several years ago, after a lot of work in therapy, I stopped running. Being still while feeling waves of shame is not easy. Learning to take one steady step forward through fear is a challenge.
I know why its so hard to change-- this is hard work. Its hard to walk through the feelings and be honest with my therapist about them. Its hard to stop running away. Its hard to identify when fear is warranted and when its unfounded.
Because of my childhood, I was afraid of things I had no reason to fear and completely unafraid of situations and people who were far from good for me. Its hard sorting the world when my entire blueprint and compass were damaged. But Im doing it.
I'm scared s---less to be honest. But I'm on the cusp of some great steps forward. Its not perfect and there are some risks... but nothing that isn't manageable and acceptable. It was an incredible experience today to talk with my therapist about the choice now before me. I'd never been able to be so honest and to feel so collaborative. Honestly, just five years ago I would make decisions all in my own head and then tell him about it.
Its late and I need to sleep. Good night, brothers.
