Grooming

Grooming
Just to second what Darrel is saying. By the age of 12 I was so utterly groomed that there was nothing I would refuse to do with the abuser and no way I would refuse his orders to show up for what I knew would be more abuse.

I hated what was happening and loathed what I thought I had become, but just as in Darrel's case, when it was all over I missed him. I was heartbroken and thought he had rejected or abandoned me. I felt guilty and even more worthless.

I hope we can all see what's going on here. And abused kid quickly descends into a VERY dark place emotionally, a state of despair and worthlessness that seems to be unending and bottomless in its horror. But he is powerless against it, and even if he finally discovers some way to make things stop, the result may well be simply to transfer him to another domain of hurt and confusion.

We were not to blame, not for ANY of it.

Much love,
Larry
 
I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said here. But the way I see it, Kenny was patient and kind and always there for me after a fight w/my old man, understanding, gentle, loving and all the things a little kid wanted/needed in an adult. So he groomed me.

The other guys.. well they just took it from me and didn't care how I felt about it. A huge difference there.... Adam I know how you feel.

Rik... no such thing as a better way of being abused, I'm glad you said that. It's fucking damaging as hell when you love and trust the abuser and when they go it leaves you with all those shitty feelings to deal with. But when you're attacked/beat/raped, etc. Well I can tell you that I can't go anywhere without looking over my shoulder, waiting for it to happen again, standing in line at the fucking coffee shop wondering if the guy in front of me was one of them... constantly wondering "why" me, replaying it in my head over and over wondering if it was just bad timing on my part, something I said, how I looked, something I did... If I wasn't so drunk, if I didn't go to that party, if I didn't need a ride home, if I didn't "trust" that guy... were they watching me for a while and just waiting for the opportunity? or was it random? Are they still around? Are they planning on doing it again? Have they done it to anyone else?

At least with Kenny I know why he did it. But these guys, I don't know... I sit around thinking "why didn't they just kill me". Why did they leave me half dead? was it on purpose because they knew I'd have to live with this sickness and paranoia? I don't know... I don't think one abuse is any better/worse than another but if I had to pick one, I'd pick Kenny.

I never said anything about it to my parents because if I told my mom she would have told my dad and then I'd get the beating of my life. Only one to take care of me after that was Kenny so... what was the point.

Jay
 
Jay,

But the way I see it, Kenny was patient and kind and always there for me after a fight w/my old man, understanding, gentle, loving and all the things a little kid wanted/needed in an adult.
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I'm very sorry that I have to say this, but a man who is all those positive things that you saw in Kenny acts that way out of concern for the welfare of the boy. He does it because he feels that any boy deserves and needs safe adults to talk to and confide in. When we see that in reality he was just trying to build up "credit" and trust to get the kid into bed, then we realize that the boy's welfare and needs had nothing to do with it, right from the start. The abuser was just that: a predator thinking only of himself.

It isn't the boy's responsibility to notice this, and facing that this is how it was can be very painful. But I'm afraid this is the reality of it all the same. That's part of the heartbreaking cruelty of abuse, the way a boy's trust is so totally betrayed.

Much love,
Larry
 
I know he never really cared. He was only acting like he was everything my father wasn't so I'd trust him. I wish I could forgive myself for falling into his trap. I wish things were different, I just wish my mother was different, I wish she helped me when she knew, I wish I didn't live thru it
 
Jay,

You didn't do anything for which you need to forgive yourself. All you did was what all boys do: trust adults they look up to. It was your right to do that, and when you extended your trust to him he should have respected that for what it was - a genuine honor.

Much love,
Larry
 
My grooming took place over a number of months at first the only physical contact was a lot of tickling something I had not experienced since the death of my much loved grandfather, so i enjoyed it and it was very pleasurable. My original abuser was definately my surrogate father as my patrenal father was an emotionally dead, materialistic arsehole.

Chris (my original abuser)would do anything for me, gifts, trips up to London, free records as he was a (non working) professional DJ and head of promotion for a very successful record company. Eating out in restaurants some very expensive ones as well, request being palyed immediately on radio luxembourg or radio one as he had direst access to the broadcasting studios, being introduced to others in the music biz who would in turn go onto abuse me, I'm afraid it impressed me very much and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Chris was there for me whenever I fell out with my father offering support, advice and occasionally a place to stay (nothing happened on thses occasions). Then one day I was invited over to his hose to listen to some new releases whereupon he showed me a straight porn film, being only 14 I had never seen anythig like it, it was then he pounced and that was basically it, he then told me who his uncle was, he was Master of the Rolls Lord denning (now dead) a very, very powerful judge and that I was "very proberbly gay or at the least bisexual" god that fucked my head up for years. What followed was a drug and alcohol fueled existance that took in football violnce, petty crime and eventually domestic violence and three failed suicide attempts (I was usually too pissed to succeed) also spending five years in differing psychiatric units and drug rehabs, that period of my life lasted thirty years.

Today I have been clean and sober for over a decade now got myself an education and seen three of my abusers convicted but as yet I have still to enter a court of law, today I fight the paedos head on by infiltrating their message boards (no graphics or imagry) and forward what I find out to the appropiate authorities by way of other friends within the survivor community.

There has been an explosion of "how to avoid conviction sites" since Operation Ore hit the UK and the popoganda that they are putting out has to be read to be believed.

I also now sit on a governemnt appointed experts panel which is an eye opener for me to see how the powers that be actually work, the only word that describes this work ethic is very slowly. I will be posting some information for the guys from the UK just how that process is going, in the not too distant future.

Last word I would have much rather have been attacked, beaten up and raped like Rik has said at least my street cred would have remained intact within my head ..... I think.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
"Last word I would have much rather have been attacked, beaten up and raped like Rik has said at least my street cred would have remained intact within my head ..... I think."

I don't understand this at all Kirk...
Jay
 
Hi Jaysen.

I apologise if I have caused you any confusion it was not intended.

"I don't understand this at all Kirk..."

No I didnt when I first thought of it when reading what Rik had written.

What I mean is this I would not have gone down without a fight and maybe inflicted some damage on my abuser, it may, just may have given me a bit of street credability instead of a feeling of could I be a poof, queer or whatever you want to call it.

Sorry once again for the confusion.

kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
No Kirk I wasn't confused at the post in general, just confused... or maybe a better way to say it is I can't understand why you'd say that. I had both, groomed by my uncle then a few years later I was taken/kidnapped, held for 3 or 4 days and during that time they tortured the fuck out of me, beat me, raped me and left me for dead. Don't think for a second that I didn't fight back with every fucking last ounce of will that I had. Street credability has nothing to do with it. This is my opinion only of course and eveyone's entitled to their own point of view. It just kind of hit a sore spot with me. If you experienced that kind of attack you might think differently. Then again maybe not... I don't know. I just had to tell you how I felt about it.
Thanks for the reply and nothing personal, just my opinion.
Jay
 
I think it's all relative, isn't it?

Abuse is abuse is abuse. Both kinds of perps are hideous monsters who leave scars, sometimes internal and sometimes external.

Grooming predators destroy our confidence, self-esteem, identity, trust, everything. My sister-in-law (who was also abused) says it best. She says it's like one of those creeping vines that reaches into every part of our lives and infects it. Everything we do, say, or feel is filtered through the lenses of the abuse.

It would seem to me (as I don't know, personally) that being forecfully raped and tortured has its own set of devastations and long-term implications. I've known women who've been raped and they are a shell of their former selves.

So, honestly, I wouldn't prefer either, and I hurt for everyone on this site who has been violated, either instantly and violently, or over time and coercively. It all sucks, and it all tears us to shreds. There is no preferable way for this to happen.

It's all relative.

Chris
 
Originally posted by Kirk Wayne:
...today I fight the paedos head on by infiltrating their message boards (no graphics or imagry) and forward what I find out to the appropiate authorities by way of other friends within the survivor community...
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Good for you!

I visited the NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association, I think is what the acronym stands for) site a few years ago and it made me fucking sick. There were message boards on this site where the sick bastards compared notes on how to get a kid into bed.

I remember the one that made me almost puke and forced me to literally turn off my computer involved some guy explaining how he started out letting the kid swim in his pool and then "suggested" that he take a shower afterward. He'd peeked a couple of times, but was really looking for some advice on how to proceed. And, of course, there were a bunch of suggestions. Fuckers.

Personally, I think the internet is fueling child sexual abuse. It used to be that these people had to hide in the shadows. If they wanted child porn, they had to find it in obscure places or risk having it sent through the mail. They were certainly not part of any peer group. Now, with the internet, they can readily get child porn, talk to kids in chat rooms (with video for God's sake), and, with these message boards, they're part of a clique, giving each other advice and empowering each other to take the next step.

I believe with all my heart that we're going to see an explosion of CSA over the next 50 years. It scares the hell out of me.

As my wife says, if we went after all the sexual abusers in this country, the country would collapse. There aren't enough jails, and the number of political and religious and business and educational leaders who would go down would absolutely cripple us.

And look at the devastation it's doing. To us. To our families. To our kids. I've only been here a few days, but it looks like we're all pretty much on the same ride, and the ride gets out of control and affects everyone around us.

I'm sorry, I guess this was a little off topic, but I just had to say Kudos to Kirk. I wish I had the stomach to do what he's doing.

It's sickening.
 
Jaysen

I apologize for not thinking my posting through it was very insensitive of me and pretty gross to think that no one may have been in your situation when I know that some have.

I am sure I would think differently if it had happened to me. I was raped a few times by different perps and that was painfull enough both pysically and mentally if I had recieved a beating as well I am pretty sure that would have caused its own set of problems.

Those rapes have consequncies even to this day. Earlier today I had an appoinment at the hospital for yet another internal examination as I suffer from tearing of my retum (anal fissure) and heamoroids I find the examination extremely upsetting, not the actual examination but the feeling after it feels as though I have been screwed again. Its half past one in the morning over here in the UK and Im still up as I cannot sleep because it is too hot and my tail end hurts like hell as I have had my heamoroids banded and the sensation is not enjoyable whatsoever and my mind keeps wandering back to events in 1971 because of the sensations I am feeling. Its a real pisser but I will get through it as this is not the first and I am sure it wont be the last time I go through this.

Thankyou Syntax I will accept those kind words with the grace they deserve but in all honesty I want to beat the bastards at their own game and as they say knowledge is power ..... Any of us could do what I am doing as we all know their scripts, they are all manipulating, cunning, liars and once youve got that the rest is pretty easy. You just watch and then pass the information on.

Good blog by the way.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Jaysen, Kirk can say that because he hasn't been taken advantage of in the violent way; he has no frame of reference. He may have general idea of what it would have been like, perhaps, but based on incomplete data. I was in his shoes when I was younger - having to deal with being abused is bad enough; it's absolutely gut-wrenching to think that you went along with or enjoyed it, as I'm sure you understand. For a while, I too wished I had been attacked and violently abused, because it would've made things SIMPLE (in my mind). In such a case, I'd be able to say "He was three times my size, and I fought but just couldn't win." Instant victim - no questions asked. Instead, I had to deal with the fact that I'd said "Yes", that nobody forced me to keep going over and doing those things, but I went and did them anyway. Such thoughts were terrible.

My parents were never the lovey-dovey type with me. They were very instructive and respectful and supportive of things I wanted to do, they just weren't terribly affectionate. They did the best they could in their way, and I have no complaints whatsoever. But when my perpetrators started grooming me, their job was ridiculously easy. The affection and flirting and attention was bizzare in a good way; like some kind of cocaine, and like the mouse in that old anti-drug commercial, I was willing to spend all day hitting the button over and over again to get the machine to dispense more. They took me to Sea World with their kids; to water parks, to the caverns. We did cool stuff, things my parents hadn't able to afford to do with me (again, not their fault). My parents at the time were in the middle of a divorce anyway, and the people I was staying with just regarded me as a low-maintenance light fixture or something, so I suppose you could say the perps "touched me in all the right places" before the abuse started. I liked them, they were great people. They treated me like an adult, like an equal. I thought they did all this because they genuinely liked and respected me. It felt very good. When the sex started, physical pleasure aside, there was of course some emotional uneasiness about the situation. I knew something wasn't quite right. But in the scale of my mind, the wonderful feeling of being respected and liked outweighed the troubling feelings. Like any junkie, my addiction overruled any reservations I may have had about any activities necessary to feed it.
 
"They treated me like an adult, like an equal. I thought they did all this because they genuinely liked and respected me. It felt very good. When the sex started, physical pleasure aside, there was of course some emotional uneasiness about the situation. I knew something wasn't quite right. But in the scale of my mind, the wonderful feeling of being respected and liked outweighed the troubling feelings. Like any junkie, my addiction overruled any reservations I may have had about any activities necessary to feed it".

Thats just about hit the nail on the head for me milliferal.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Thanks again everyone for your responses.

When I started this post, I thought it might at least help a few of the newer people here. I thought that there may be a few comments added.

What's happened is that many of you have opened up and said what it really feels like. I can see it all now from the 'real' perspective that was forming in my mind.

It's all bad, however it happened. Lets throw the guilt out of the window, and back at the perverted paedophiles that brought us all here!

We are decent people, they are not!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Larry - thought I'd bring this one back to the top to complement your current post on grooming.

It's got many very good responses, so I thought it may benefit some of the newer people here.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I was thinking about this topic, and Hell it had nothing to do with me, but it did.
This guy always used to turn up at places after following me with friends.

This was after abuse, but it scared me, and he just seemed to know what kids wanted and say, hey, I got this and that for nothing just come pick it up.

I did find out where he lived and young boys came and went, but he really had his radar on me.
I only remember being terrified to tell anyone.

They wont believe you, or think you are a whore boy is what I would have thought, but hey, this is what they did to you, they knew you would be terrified to tell.

That is what kept us silent,

ste
 
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