Grooming

Grooming
R

RICK57

Registrant
I recently received a PM from someone asking if I could explain what grooming meant (author to remain anonymous).

I have responded, and thought that others may gain from my response, so here it is!

_________________________________

In the UK, when we say that a paedophile has groomed someone, it means that they gained their trust, before committing abuse.

In my case, the paedophile first had a conversation with me when I was walking my dog. He obviously managed to find out a few of my interests, and that I regularly walked my dog in that area. I was just turned 12 years old at the time.

He managed to bump into me again either the next day, or shortly afterwards. He mentioned that he had air rifles, and asked me if I would like to learn to fire them. *One of my Grandfathers had rifles, and I had gone for walks with him when I was younger and lived in another town. I had no reason to mistrust the paedophile (I didn't know what a paedophile was, and didn't even know what any form of sex was. This was 1969, and we were not as educated then in the ways of the world).

He told me that my dog may frightened by the rifles, and that I should leave him at home. I met him the following day, and we went to a local quarry to fire the rifles. This quarry was quite close to houses and a main road. I did not feel uncomfortable at all, and nothing untoward happened.

These circumstances repeated themselves several times. He had also started to give me money, so that I could go and buy sweets and fruit, and then meet him at the quarry. My grandfathers and one uncle had also bought me sweets and fruit, when I went for walks with them from a very young age. All of this seemed normal to me! I trusted him like an older brother (I now know that he was 32 to my 12 years at the time).

What he had also done by this time, was ensure that no one would see me walking along there with him.

As he built my trust, we started going to another quarry that was well away from any houses or roads.

We again started to fire the rifles at targets. By this time, I totally trusted him. He was no different to my Grandfathers and my Uncle that had taken me for walks when I was younger. I loved him the same way that I loved my relatives - he was a welcome replacement for them, as I no longer had there support network because they lived too far away (not many people had cars / telephones then).

It had taken several weeks to get to this point, he had fully gained my trust. It was at this point that he suggested playing different games. He asked if I had any football shorts, as this would make the games easier. The only ones I had were always in the wash from playing sports at school, so I said I didn't, but I did have swimming trunks (how stupid I was). He said that would be fine, and that I could wear them under my jeans, which I agreed to do! That's how innocent I was.

The games had to be played in a different location. There were several near by that suited his needs. The main location was an old railway wagon that had skylights (it was the latter part of the year, but still light enough for him to see what he wanted to).

The games started off with me lying down, jeans below my knees and my jumper over my face - I don't really know what he was doing at this point, but I can imagine.

He started placing coins on my body, and I had to guess what value they were. Again he initially practiced restraint, so that I still thought this was normal. I got to understand that everyone did this growing up, but that no one ever said anything about it!

He asked me if I had ever relieved myself, and I didn't really understand the question. I thought he meant urinating, so I said yes.

This was when he gently pulled my swimming trunks down and placed further coins on more sensitive parts of my body. He then started to manipulate me. From there on, the games got more sexual - at no time did I ever realise what we were doing was wrong. He always treated me with great respect (so I thought at the time).

The nights got darker, and our locations changed. The last time I saw him, we were standing against the base of a water tanker, just off the footpath through the fields to the quarry. We were probably only 200 yards away from the main road.

He suddenly told me to stand still and be quiet. In the moonlight I could see a policeman walking along the path about 20 yards away.

I didn't understand why we had to be quiet? As we walked away shortly afterwards, I told him that I wasn't seeing him again! I didn't know why, but I had realised that something wasn't right & I still trusted him.

This made me very confused. Gradually over the next few months, due to schoolyard banter, I actually found out what most people really did sexually, and it was nothing to do with what I had been led to believe!

So he groomed me - built up my trust to get what he wanted.

This is why I find it very difficult to trust anyone to this day. My subconscious is always switched on, wondering why anyone is really interested in me.

Hope that answers your question.

If you have any further questions, please ask. It actually helps when I write it down!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I'm glad you brought this up Rik.

Oh and how some are masters at their skill level, like my perp was.

I've come to notice that what "grooming" entails, it's a probing of defenses. The whole time that your perp is interacting with you as a boy, he's saying to himself, "Has his parents told him what to do if I touch him there?" "What if I ask start doing this or that?" "Will he say no?"

Parent communication is the key. Parents are neglectful if they don't tell their children what to do if someone starts violating set boundries. (I don't care if there wasn't "public awareness of sexual abuse of boys" back then, my parents were still neglectful the way I see it).

My perp was so good at manipulating me that when I tried to say no to his sexual stuff, he would withdraw his attention and affections. Then, I found myself coming BACK to him and say that I'M sorry!!! He was so good at grooming that he never asked me not to tell, because he already knew that I wouldn't. (Well, I did but not untill decades later and after he died). He knew that I was ashamed of what I "let" him do. geezz...........

I got distracted sorry, like I said though Rik, thanks for bringing this up.
 
Rik,

yes they are very masterful, one I knew tried every trick in the book on me.
None of it worked though because I had already been hurt before.

He only left me alone when I threatened him with the cops,

ste
 
Well said. I wish I could remember in such detail the events living with my perp, beyond a few isolated snippets, all pretty horrifying. Alas, it's a murky blur. But I remember a lot of the grooming. He was excellent. Patiently and expertly studied my feeling towards my parents until he could sever any remaining trust that was left and leave me entirely in his trust. It worked. And to such a degree that 28 years later I still have the same inherent distrust and disrupted bond with my surviving parent.

alex
 
Alex - recently I hit the 49th birthday.

The perp was convicted (sentenced) on March 17th this year. I wish I could get his face out of my eyes. Not the face that he showed when he was convicted...the face that I remember from when I was a child. It was a face I trusted!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
It depends opn the perp. a violent perp will work to be sure no authority figure is listenning to the child and gradually increase the level of violence. The reason you here about so many places where they are filthy is not just an accident or a sign of sickness. if it botheres the parent enough to take them out of there, that is an early sign that they will protect the child. then they may let the child see them hurt an unrelated child. all this happens gradually and if the parent takes them out before the abuse starts there is no evidence of any seriouse crime. by the time the abuse gets bad and the frquency is chronic the child has realized (correctly) that the parents will either disbelieve or be embarrased and abandon the child. i hope my righting is ok i cant talk anymore about this hope it helps.
 
i dont undrstand all this. my stepbrothr thretened me a lot and was mean and scared me into doing things. thats not the same thing rite?
 
No, that's direct abuse. Grooming is a more indirect form of abuse, which usually precedes the actual direct abuse. It involves psyhcologically prepping a target so he or she becomes trusting and dependent on the perp.

A perfect example from the movies is the snake Kaa singing "Trust in me" to Mowgli, to lure him into his coils and devour him. Doesn't get much clearer than that. And I can tell you from experience, it feels about the same.
 
ok thanks
i think its worse to trust him
first then get hurt
 
I think you're right, Trevor, it is worse to trust him and then get abused.

My father died when I was so young that I don't even remember him and my mother never remarried or even dated.

When I was ten, a man from our church took me under his wing and took me fishing and boating and other things, even tried, awkwardly, to discuss the birds and the bees. Nothing he did was inappropriate. He was just a sweet man who saw I had no father figure and stepped in.

Then we moved to Florida and when I was twelve I really needed a father figure, bad.

In stepped a ready-made, grooming trained, experienced perp.

He took his time grooming me (a couple of months at least) and played on all my needs for a father. Then, like ARW said about Kaa, he sprung. Afterward, I kept going back for more to get the father figure I'd had before the abuse, but found that to get the father figure, I had to perform.

I, like the others here, trust no one. The abuse of trust has devastated my life.

I don't know, of course, because my abuse wasn't a quick rape or forced rape, but I can only imagine that abuse of trust and then rape has to be worse.

Then again, it really is all relative isn't it?

We're all broken in our own little ways aren't we?

But isn't it remarkable how much we have in common?
 
Trev,

You are so right. The most pain came from knowing that someone who I loved and trusted had hurt me. I felt betrayed and the betrayal hurt worse than the sexual abuse. :(

Love ya

Darrel
 
Thanks everyone for your responses.

I waited until there were several responses, before posting again on this topic!

Before I came here, I had wished that I had been attacked by the pervert, beaten up so that he could have achieved what he wanted, rather than the slow grooming aspect.

I know that there are others here that will have read this post, that were attacked. I have read their stories here!

I know that there is no such thing as 'a better way of being abused'. It is all bad! Let none of us forget that!

I thought that if I had been attacked, maybe hit over the head with a hammer, and then abused, that I could have accepted that it was a maniac that damaged me! Well he didn't do that, and you cannot see my scars visually, but they are there in my brain. It was just a different type of maniac that did it!

Like I said, all abuse is bad! There is no league table!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Just to add!

When I was in court, the judiciary seemed to focus on the sexual aspects of the case...that probably accounted for somewhere between 2 and 10 hours of my life. The impact on my mind has lasted for something like 36+ years...coming up to 37 in September/October!

I believe that the media also focus purely on the sexual aspect...how ignorant they are...how do we ever explain this to anyone, and get them to really understand?!?!

Best wishes again...Rik
 
in my case the grooming lasted about a week and ended the first time ,he touched me and i said no. so we can never know but for the guys who were groomed maybe if the grooming didnt work the abuse would have been worse . but i do agree that being forced has different baggage to carry from being groomed ,bu t fighting and losing the fight has its own ways of screwing us up to,weither way surviving means giving in
 
Originally posted by RICK57:
...you cannot see my scars visually, but they are there in my brain...
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I like the way you put that, because I've often felt that if people could see my pain in some external way, they would understand better the pain inside.

Well said.
 
I think there's a really important aspect of grooming that needs to be added here.

Once a boy has been tricked into trusting the abuser, but then comes to see that something is very wrong, why doesn't he leave the abuser? Why doesn't he tell safe adults? What about cases where the abuser asks the boy "Shall I do this?", and the boy says "yes"? What about cases where the boy goes willingly or basically "reports" to the abuser on command?

A groomed boy, as in Rik's case with the air rifles at the quarry, has been attracted by something he likes and wants. If he breaks off the contacts, the exciting adventures will stop. So as he is just a young boy and doesn't understand what the abuse means anyway, and since his has learned to trust the abuser, it is easy for him to rationalize and keep going.

A boy whose fears are mounting will also find it difficult to say no because he doesn't want to look stupid, or because he fears the withdrawal of affection. If the groomed boy hesitates, the abuser can simply say "Don't you trust me?", and the boy, alarmed that he has offended his older "friend", will quickly agree to do what he wants.

In other cases the groomed boy is simply trapped as the abuser's charms turn to threats. "Everyone will say it was your fault", "No one will believe you", "I will come and 'get' you", "Your parents will throw you out of the house", "You will go to hell", etc., etc.

And finally, as the boy loses all sense of worth and feels totally ashamed and alone, he will do whatever the abuser wants because he genuinely thinks he isn't good for anything better than this. He may loathe the abuse, but at least it is something.

This is an important topic and thanks for launching it Rik. There are so many survivors here who feel guilty about things that happened, but once they understand how it all starts with skilled grooming they can see that every single incident - no matter how shameful and guilty they feel about it - goes back to the tricks of the perp and NOT to any guilt on the part of the boy.

Much love,
Larry
 
I would like to reiterate my perp's particualar grooming technique.

I got the feeling that there was something wrong with it after he wanted to do more than just touch and feel me.

He kept me from talking because he knew that I didn't want to say "Dad (or Mom), he was making put his dick in my mouth, he was rubbing it against me, etc." I was embarrassed to talk about it, hence I didn't. If I tried to object to it, or say that I didn't like to do it he would say, "It will just be between you and me, nobody else has to know, it's our secret". Fucking jerk, toyed around with the mind of a nine year old who was only looking for a friend.

If I had known how this was going to manifest itself later in my life, I WOULD HAVE TOLD WITHOUT HESITATION. But I tried to just forget about all of it. As most of us here know, trying to "forget" about it doesn't quite work.

I could not have been groomed like that had my parents armed me with information, and told me what to do in case someone did something like this to me.
 
Originally posted by Hauser:
I got the feeling that there was something wrong with it after he wanted to do more than just touch and feel me.
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Ditto.

Originally posted by Hauser:

He kept me from talking because he knew that I didn't want to say "Dad (or Mom), he was making put his dick in my mouth, he was rubbing it against me, etc." I was embarrassed to talk about it, hence I didn't.
Click to expand...
"My" asshole, fucking, evil perpetrator took me to the R-rated movies I wanted to see (that my mother would not let me see), bought me music (that my mom would not let me listen to), gave me beer and wine. He knew that if I told, the jig was up for me as well. He was also patient. He did this for a couple of months before the hook was in.

But perhaps most importantly, and completely unrelated to the perp's grooming, was my mother's unintentional grooming years earlier. My brother (7 years older) did something wrong once and the police showed up. After they left, my mother beat the living shit out of him with her fists, a belt, everything (he once "joked" that he was glad she couldn't lift the sofa, or she'd have hit him with that too). What reason did she give him as she was pounding him? He had embarassed her by having police cars in the driveway. What would the neighbors think?

After I figured out that what was happening was really wrong, I thought several times of blowing the whole thing wide open, but I knew the police would get involved and I didn't want to embarass my mother.

So, I guess I was groomed on two sides, huh?

Chris
 
taxi guy said, "If you don't, I'll find somebody who will." That would have been fine with me except for the fact that if he did, I would loose him. Up untill I met taxi guy, I didn't know how good it felt to be touched or hugged. How could I risk looosing that. Then the day finely came and I did tell him NO He was gone just like that and I did loose him. And as he promised, he did find someone else, he found my friend Wayne who's pic is on Oprah's web page and on the FBI most wanted list. That's how bad taxi guy hurt my friend.

Love ya

Darrel
 
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