"Grooming"

"Grooming"
R

roadrunner

Registrant
Guys,

There has been some discussion lately of how pedophiles groom kids and get them to trust them as preparation for the abuse that will follow. Some guys are not aware that they were groomed, and I'm not just talking about new guys or young survivors.

As a matter of fact, the man who abused me was such an expert at grooming that it is only in the last five minutes that I realize this must have happened to me. I simply don't recall anything specific he did to groom me, just that he was very nice and made me feel good. I have been working on a pretty detailed survivor story as a recovery tool with my T, and I say nothing there about grooming! Just that I knew him and trusted him, and then suddenly there I was in a room alone with him and it was too late.

I think it would help a lot of other guys if we could talk about what abusers did to groom us as boys. It would also help ourselves as well. What will we see? That we were never guilty of anything other than being young boys; the abusers knew exactly what had to be done to win our trust and exactly what ploys would work on an impressionable youngster.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

My father raised me to provide sexual gratification from day 1.

I was masterbating him from before I can remember, the first memories I have were aged from 4 years old.

As an older child he told me that this was what "boys and their daddies do when they love each other."

"You do love daddy dont you?"

Of course I did, I was a kid and I didnt know any better.

He taught me that mummies bath girls and daddies bath boys and this is why, so they can enjoy these special times together.

I only began to feel this was wrong when the masterbation sessions turned to rape as I was approaching puberty.

I also started fancying girls. Non of my peers ever discussed similar things so I began to see myself as totally alone and unique.

This only happened to me, no one else.

I was 25 before I met another survivor face to face.

My father was an expert, he knew that if he started me young enough I wouldnt know it was wrong, in fact he used that and I ended up offering him sexual favours in exchange for gifts. I was perhaps 11-12 at the time.

I never knew a childhood without abuse.

I wish I did.
 
Well, there's a reason that a good many people don't recognize grooming. The fact is - and this is all only my opinion, of course - is that grooming activities themselves are harmless. The things a pedophile does to "groom" you are pretty much the same things a parent or friend would do to express love and care for you. The activities make us feel good and inspire trust and adoration. The only difference, I feel, is in the intent. Your parents and friends want your trust because they want you to feel you can depend on them. The pedophile wants your trust because he can use it to his own advantage.

Also - again, my opinion - is that I think people often mistake grooming for "seduction". The way I see it, grooming is the part where the pedophile becomes your best friend. I think the part where they start trying to convince you that sex is okay is something different. Perhaps I'm wrong - perhaps it's like a scale, with the "seduction" part just being the end of it. But I like my ontology better, so there.

Now, as to your suggestion - well, the grooming I suppose was nondescript. It's difficult to describe, besides saying that - to a ten-year-old, these people were the coolest grownups on the face of the earth. They treated me like an adult, an equal. They were empathetic and encouraging. I thought they liked me for who I was, and that made me feel good. I think I remember telling them at some point that I wished they were my parents - whether I told them or not, I certainly thought it a few times.
 
Everything started out so innocent. He paid special attention to me like I was the best thing to come down the pike since ice cream.

Time went on.

Then it was "hey, you don't have anything to do today. How'd you like to ride along with me in the taxi while I go pick up a customer." All the time being as nice as pie to me.

Time went on.

Then it was "I need to stop by the house to pick something up. Just sit tight and I'll be right back out." All the time being as nice as pie to me.

Time went on.

Then it was "I've got to stop by the house and change the laundry. Come on in and watch TV (we didn't have one at home) for a bit." All the time being as nice as pie to me.

Time went on.

Then it was "Well, as long as we're here and we have to wait for the dryer to finish, we might as well have a bit of fun. Let's wrestle." And he'd tickle me and pin me down and play with me. All the time being as nice as pie to me.

Time went on.

Then it was picking me up and carrying me around the house upside down over his shoulder. All the time being as nice as pie to me.

Time went on.

Then one day while carrying me around his house he dunked me in the bathtub with my clothes on. "Whoops," he said, "guess that was a mistake. Now we have to get your clothes dry. That made me a bit uncomfortable but all the time being as nice as pie to me so I decided everything was OK.

Time went on.

Then it was "I need to go out to the Civil Air Patrol building at the airport. Would you like to ride in a airplane?" All the time being as nice as pie to me.

Time went on.

TRIGGERS BELOW TRIGGERS BELOW

Then one day it was suddenly holding me down on his lap when we were all alone in the CAP building and reaching his hand in my pants to fondle me, and my world fell apart once again because my "friend" was just another abuser like Neighbor kid was when he'd been so mean to me all those years.

It made me angry and I fought him. I pounded on his chest with my little fists and screamed at him to quit. I think he was afraid the people at the houses just a stone's throw away would hear and call the police (Police Captain was a friend of his) so he agreed to quit. I though I was free, but he took me out an old logging road and threatened me with death if I didn't name another kid to be victimized in my place.

I didn't know what to do. I delayed and delayed but I finally gave in and gave him my brother's name. My brother had been hurt much more than I had been by neighbor kid, and my brother was probably a more needy child than I was. He was easily victimized and I was to blame, or at least I thought I was. Now I know that's not true. taxi guy knew what he was doing and was expert at transferring his own guilt onto and innocent child. BASTARD!

I'm sorry, Darrel. I know now it wasn't my fault he got to you, but I'm still so sorry you got hurt too. I love you, Bro.

Lots of love to you all,

John
 
Larry,
I don't have clear memory of grooming but I definitely wouldn't doubt it. I remember my perps shaggy rough beard brushing against my face and neck. I remember the discomfort and grose feeling of it. I do believe in the possibility that grooming may have happened. Maybe thats just another thing I had blacked out and if it did happen, I hope I can recollect it because I agree that it could be helpful. What I do remember is my perp buying me ice cream, taking me to the movies, buying me micro machines, (miniature matchbox cars). I guess that was his indirect means of "grooming". Every child needs affection and children strive for that affection from those who look out for them and those who they
perceive to look out for them but are only manipulating them. It seems that if I would have had enough affection from the people who were supposed to give it to me, then maybe I may not have been vulnerable to such a blasphemous attack on my life. At this, we enter the realm of what CSA survivors know quite well. The question of "where was mom or dad at this time, and why did they let this happen to me." We also question why did we let this happen to us if this was covert. Maybe the focus is not because we were too young to make the right decisions but, the idea that we needed love and would take it almost anywhere we could get it because our families weren't giving it to us enough. Heres a metaphor for ya, "I needed to get the honey out of the bee hive so I could have food to survive so I did. However, I was unaware of the horrible bees that would inflict awful stings on my mind body and soul." I'm glad I survived!!!
 
Hey, bees aren't so bad... :)

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that those of us who weren't violently attacked almost certainly must've been groomed. If I try to take myself to my mindset at 10, I can't see myself doing those things with just anybody I liked, or even really, really liked - or allowing just anybody to do those things to me, even while the abuse was going on. The perps were singularly able to do that stuff, and it seems to me that, logically, they must've done something to create that atypical situation.
 
And I think maybe the difficult things is, not al adults who pay attention to kids, give them their attention etc.. Not all of these adults are pedophiles. There are also who truly try to help the child.
So what's grooming and what's giving some needed attention to a kid that for example doesn't get any attention from their parents?
It's difficult.

For me, I was 9 when the 'friend' of my parents started to give special attention to me.
It was just a few questions about school, or the day. I loved it because I didn't get any attention from my parents.
He could walk in the house as often as he pleased because now he had made for himself the role of looking after me a bit, since my parents didn't. And as they were never home, he could come whenever he felt like.
It didn't last but a few weeks before he just came in my room and r*ped me the first time. With violence and threats he made sure he could do whatever he wanted and made sure I didn't tell anyone.
I was 9 years old. I didn't know how adults were supposed to react to children. I didn't know it was wrong what he did. I thought I was a bad child just like my parents always told me and that I'd let him down too and that it was normal that he did this to me.
I had been abused emotionally and been neglected all my life and I just didn't know any better.
 
Jason,

From your brief description of your interaction with the perp (ice cream, micro machines, etc.), it sounds like you were indeed groomed, and not even indirectly, but all out grooming.

These bastards are so adept at what they do. Little boys are not nearly as clever as they need to be in order to make their way through the minefield, and in many cases the ones whose task it is to nurture and protect them from this very thing are negligent or actively involved in abuse of one sort or another against the little boy, their child, themselves.

Lots of love,

John
 
I was working on the West Coast. 13 years old. Looked about 9, very very small for my age. My mother had to work back East so we found a guardian through someone else I was working with.

He was an expert groomer. Discovered my interests, healthy and non, and let me do them, participated while we did. Quickly found sore spots between me and my mother and exploded them, so all my loyalty was to him. I remember this as ocurring almost immediately, but it didn't, he took his time. carefully.

bought me nice clothes that I wanted. first time in my life that happened.

TRIGGERS MAY FOLLOW

We were now like brothers, despite him being more than twice my age. So it was okay that we shared a bed in our dark, dingy studio apartment. He knew I was incredibly insecure about my body so it was okay when he let me touch him and see what an adult body was like. Bought me porn. And the rest is a blur. Not even, I have totally fragmented or no memory about most of the rest of that time in the apartment. About four to six months or so.

The worst thing for me about being so intensely and succesfully groomed is that it shattered my internal balance. The SA aside, which had its own massive negative effects, the grooming left me with no appropriate idea of trust (with myself or others), or proper boundaries. A problem which very much exists to this day. I can trust people I shouldn't, distrust people who mean me no harm, etc. The wiring is all scrambled. So I maintain few close friendships, tho i do have them and value them highly, and tread very carefully through life. I am hopeful for a time when I have more inner stability and a proper radar for trust and boundaries. But the grooming, from my mother and the perp, have done severe damage and this process of healing that damage is only now getting truly under way. some 27 years after all the abuse was over.

This is a good thread, Larry. Hopefully more of us will add to it.

Alex
 
Warning! - may be triggering!

I know that i was groomed - no doubt in my mind - what may be a bit diffrent from the norm of grooming is that I can even see how I was set up by my own mother for her younger brother to get at me... - does that make me double groomed???

when me and my brother where younger we used to be taken to stay with my mothers folks whenever my folks wanted to go away somewheres for the weekend or just anytime that they wanted a break from us - basicaly we where there quite a bit when we was younger - at least once a week if not more... (course the physical/mental abuse had already started at home which made me a very quiet and shy kid looking for anyone who'd be in the slightest way 'nice' to me)

her younger brother was only 8 years older than me

I was about 4 when the grooming started - maybe younger...

he used to let me play with all of his toys - let me go into his bedroom (where no on else was allowed) - we'd play outside together just the 2 of us he'd take me places away from everyone else cause it was our 'special alone time' - he told me I was his 'best friend' - that I was 'special'

I remember one time when somehow something magicaly happened to my sleeping bag so as that i could'nt sleep in it and he volunteered to have me sleep in his room - course there was only 1 bed in his room - and 'big kids' don't wear pajamas... :(

he always had ways of 'reasoning' his need to be around me anytime I was in any way undressed - and he'd be undressed too - which was supposed to make it ok -he'd 'help' me take a bath - he'd 'help' me towel off - he'd 'help' me powder up with talc - he'd 'help' me get dressed

the abuse part of the grooming started with a simple game - he had a doctors bag - stethescope - relfex testing rubber hammer - syringe with real needle - and any kid knows that you can't wear cloths when being examined by the doc... - the things he did with that needle i won't even say here...

my memories are'nt extremely clear - but i think the games went on for at least a few years - then after that it was just something that I 'knew' that he wanted and i had to do if i wanted him to continue to like me

took me till I was 9 to stop him...

the groming shattered my trust in sucha big way - am just now starting to understand how it has efeected me...

TJ jeff
 
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