Groomed by my French Teacher and Clueless
I am telling this story because I want to walk into the stories to my life and own them. This story is a story I have buried because it is painful and I need to tell it so that it does not serve as a kind of carcinogenic poison in my system.
After I was abused by my tennis coach as a freshman in high school, I withdrew from my peers. I felt I could not trust them to know what had happened to me. I turned to my French teacher for companionship. I felt he was safe. From the spring of my freshman year to the spring of my junior year, we spent a lot of time outside of class together. We played tennis, we went on hikes alone together, we would go out in the woods and sun bath together in our underwear, we went to the movies and I frequently hung out with him in his home for hours having great conversations. He was a bachelor and it never occurred to me that he might be interested in me sexually.
When I was seventeen, I decided to go to Europe to visit some friends. I thought it would be fun to travel with my French teacher to his summer place in Canada and fly from Canada to Europe. More than that I would be able to visit relatives in Canada. The first night of the trip changed everything. He set me up by getting a hotel room with a double bed. This was not the Queen Size or King Size beds in many hotels. This was a small double bed and it sagged in the middle. After fighting the slope for a while, I ended up sidling up to him and we ended up fondling each other sexually and engaging in mutual masturbation.
This really messed me up. I loved this man and trusted him, but I had no intention of having a sexual experience with him. He confided in me that a few week early when we had been out for a hike that he had a hard time resisting the temptation to come onto me sexually. I was horrified that I had befriended a pervert. He proceeded to confide in me his sexual exploits with men throughout his life. Up to that point in our relationship I had felt like I was in an adult/child relationship with him. After our sexual experience together, he treated me like I was a consenting adult. I was not ready for that. I was not ready for his sex stories and I was not ready to abandon the adult/child relationship we had had.
One of the most disgusting things was that he told me that he had planned on seducing me in Nevada because it was not illegal in Nevada to have sex with a male minor. I don't know if that is true, but the fact that he was more concerned about covering his own ass than caring for me made me sick.
In spite of the fact that I was upset, I didn't have the presence of mind to refuse him sexual advances. Two more nights we slept together, fondled each other and beat each other off. When we arrived at his summer place, he wanted me to go swimming naked with him. To me he had no end of gall. For me it was the last straw. I refused to swim with him naked and I decided I would not have sex with him again.
I went to Europe and returned to reconnect with him and drive home. The relationship between us was icy on the ride home. We drove for two long wordless days. We only spent one night together on that trip. Again he got a room with one bed. I decided to sleep on the floor. He taunted me that I didn't trust myself to be in bed with him. He said he wouldn't touch me. He accused me of having sex with other men while I was in Europe. I felt demeaned and shamed. I shut down emotionally and stayed on the floor.
When we return home, I didn't have the courage to turn him in, and I didn't have the courage to drop my French class my senior year with him. Day after day I endured his class and felt like trash. I decided to go to a therapist to get help. I was an emotional wreck.
I had the impression that he was nervous that I would turn him in. I should have turned him in for the sake of other students who might fall prey to him, but I didn't. I had seen the public scandal that had arisen when one of my close friends turned in a teacher who had sexually abused him. My friend ended up in a private school in a distant city and I never saw him again. I did not feel like I could handle the public scandal or the turmoil it would have created with my parents.
My French teacher has since died. I no longer hold him in contempt. I realize that we all have our challenges and he had his. In my own life I have done things that were despicable and I am sure I have scarred other people emotionally by my indiscretions. Through the grace of God, I have accepted the Lord's grace and his forgiveness. He has also blessed me to be able to let go of my pain and forgive my French teacher. I am grateful for the love of God I feel in my life and his comforting presence. Nevertheless, this story is my story and I need to claim and own it. I accept it and own it as my story.
Thank you for letting me make this post and giving me the chance to be seen, heard and own my life.
After I was abused by my tennis coach as a freshman in high school, I withdrew from my peers. I felt I could not trust them to know what had happened to me. I turned to my French teacher for companionship. I felt he was safe. From the spring of my freshman year to the spring of my junior year, we spent a lot of time outside of class together. We played tennis, we went on hikes alone together, we would go out in the woods and sun bath together in our underwear, we went to the movies and I frequently hung out with him in his home for hours having great conversations. He was a bachelor and it never occurred to me that he might be interested in me sexually.
When I was seventeen, I decided to go to Europe to visit some friends. I thought it would be fun to travel with my French teacher to his summer place in Canada and fly from Canada to Europe. More than that I would be able to visit relatives in Canada. The first night of the trip changed everything. He set me up by getting a hotel room with a double bed. This was not the Queen Size or King Size beds in many hotels. This was a small double bed and it sagged in the middle. After fighting the slope for a while, I ended up sidling up to him and we ended up fondling each other sexually and engaging in mutual masturbation.
This really messed me up. I loved this man and trusted him, but I had no intention of having a sexual experience with him. He confided in me that a few week early when we had been out for a hike that he had a hard time resisting the temptation to come onto me sexually. I was horrified that I had befriended a pervert. He proceeded to confide in me his sexual exploits with men throughout his life. Up to that point in our relationship I had felt like I was in an adult/child relationship with him. After our sexual experience together, he treated me like I was a consenting adult. I was not ready for that. I was not ready for his sex stories and I was not ready to abandon the adult/child relationship we had had.
One of the most disgusting things was that he told me that he had planned on seducing me in Nevada because it was not illegal in Nevada to have sex with a male minor. I don't know if that is true, but the fact that he was more concerned about covering his own ass than caring for me made me sick.
In spite of the fact that I was upset, I didn't have the presence of mind to refuse him sexual advances. Two more nights we slept together, fondled each other and beat each other off. When we arrived at his summer place, he wanted me to go swimming naked with him. To me he had no end of gall. For me it was the last straw. I refused to swim with him naked and I decided I would not have sex with him again.
I went to Europe and returned to reconnect with him and drive home. The relationship between us was icy on the ride home. We drove for two long wordless days. We only spent one night together on that trip. Again he got a room with one bed. I decided to sleep on the floor. He taunted me that I didn't trust myself to be in bed with him. He said he wouldn't touch me. He accused me of having sex with other men while I was in Europe. I felt demeaned and shamed. I shut down emotionally and stayed on the floor.
When we return home, I didn't have the courage to turn him in, and I didn't have the courage to drop my French class my senior year with him. Day after day I endured his class and felt like trash. I decided to go to a therapist to get help. I was an emotional wreck.
I had the impression that he was nervous that I would turn him in. I should have turned him in for the sake of other students who might fall prey to him, but I didn't. I had seen the public scandal that had arisen when one of my close friends turned in a teacher who had sexually abused him. My friend ended up in a private school in a distant city and I never saw him again. I did not feel like I could handle the public scandal or the turmoil it would have created with my parents.
My French teacher has since died. I no longer hold him in contempt. I realize that we all have our challenges and he had his. In my own life I have done things that were despicable and I am sure I have scarred other people emotionally by my indiscretions. Through the grace of God, I have accepted the Lord's grace and his forgiveness. He has also blessed me to be able to let go of my pain and forgive my French teacher. I am grateful for the love of God I feel in my life and his comforting presence. Nevertheless, this story is my story and I need to claim and own it. I accept it and own it as my story.
Thank you for letting me make this post and giving me the chance to be seen, heard and own my life.
