Grieving from alcohol

Grieving from alcohol
G

Garrett54

Registrant
Has anyone else reached a point in their healing where they realize the amount of damage alcohol has caused in their life?

I honestly don’t know why my wife stayed with me.

It’s really freakin sad to look back at all the people I hurt.
 
Misuse/abuse of alcohol is actually what started my healing journey. It was my favorite "numbing" agent. My boss picked up on the signs and confronted me point-blank.

I don't know where I would be today without his "intervention." The man cared about my career and my life more than I did myself at the time. I was in his office with my dorm trash can full of 72hrs worth of my empties. He said flatly. "Sarge, you are a drunk! Highly functioning, top-shelf imbibing... but a drunk none the less."

In my experience, alcohol and substance abuse is common among the survivor community. I find when something hurts, it is normal to find a crutch to lean on. It just isn't healthy to be overly dependent on that crutch.
 
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Alcohol was a major coping strategy for me from the time I was 13 till I was 23. It stopped for me. It stopped killing the pain. I was fortunate enough to have made enough of a mess in my life that others saw that and got me some help. I have remained sober since then, unfortunately without alcohol I’ve had to face many of my emotions and memories and that’s not easy. I hope you have some support in this.
 
God truly blessed me. I started drinking at 18 and quit at 24. I wasn't married or dating, but I did a lot of damage. I only quit after flooding my 2 story condo. I can't tell you how many times I woke up afraid that I ran someone over. I didn't drink long, but during the time I did I did a lot of damage for which I am sorry. By Jesus's grace, that was 36 years ago and before I met my wife. Though alcohol didn't cause problems for us, CSA sure has. I do know how you feel, but you can only do your best now.

I assume your wife stayed out of love and because she saw something in you that you could not see. That you grieve for what bad happened is good because you now can look forward to a better future. Peace brother.
 
I used it to hide my feelings about CSA for 30 years. I hurt a lot of people and myself. I hurt my children (not physically, mentally, or sexually) by not being there for them when they needed me. Most of all, I hurt my wife and that hurts the most. How she ever put up with me I'll never know. But I found God and sat it down 20 years ago! I've been dry ever since. It's what made my memories of the abuse start pouring out. It built over the years and that's why I'm here now. I needed help dealing.
 
I spent 4-5 years trying to get to a place where I could stop drinking completely. Started recalling things 3-4 months into sobriety. This year has sucked a lot.
 
Garrett54 said:
I honestly don’t know why my wife stayed with me.
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The people who REALLY love you are often the most resilient of all. My wife entered my life late in life. She knows what kind of mess I am and still loves me.

Hang in there. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.
 
Thanks men. This is day 12 of grieving. I’m in some really intense TF-CBT right now. So much freakin crying over the lifetime of loss.

I’ve never experienced anything like it.

It started with grieving the loss of my childhood & high school. I felt so defective, off, and confused sexually and now I know why.

Then the alcohol grieving started. My wife is standing by me and crying with me each day. It’s been the toughest thing I’ve ever done realizing how much pain I caused her. Started drinking whiskey in 2008. Stopped in 2019.

Denial is what stopped my healing years ago (well, that and alcoholism).

I’m moving forward but goooooood lord the emotions and pain are so much more real without the poison of alcohol to numb me out.

I broke on Nov 2nd after therapy. Had and discussion well into the night explaining to my wife I wasn’t *really* abused. Back and forth and back and forth. It got me thinking. Maybe I was. Denial. 100%

Then it hit me and I was crushed.

I also didn’t realize how much “bargaining” I was doing... only drinking on weekend, switching from whiskey to wine, changing to beer. Then finally trying to quit and not being able to. The Sinclair Method saved my life by deaddiction. I can’t imagine experiencing 2020 still drinking!! Yikes!
 
Alcohol was the first thing I ever did that made me feel normal or comfortable in my own skin. But that wasn't real. I started drinking in my early teens, 12-13-14. It took so many years to realize that it actually made me feel worse and the few times I seriously contemplated ending my life I was drinking. You have to get through the denial and face the pain that we have hidden from for so many years. I was always a happy drunk. It was so out of character from my normal dark cloud of anger I walked around under that a lot of people only preferred the happy drunk guy. In my mind it was always just part of the act. (I have always thought of myself as Pinocchio, not a real boy, a liar, and causing pain to anyone who loves me.) So even when I was the happy drunk, it was all just part of the act like a real boy/man would. The guilt, shame and paranoia that came the next day led to picking up something as soon as my mind was conscious.
 
Food, alcohol and porn worked for me. I didn't remember the sexual trauma but I was doing things that created so much shame that I needed to do something to take myself away. Yes, it is painful to acknowledge the suffering we've created by our need to run away. But please remember, none of these behaviors prove we are defective. All we've ever done is try to survive, using the tools available to us to do so. This is what unpacking trauma ultimately demonstrates for us. Trauma is incredibly destabilizing to a child. We learn things we never should have been taught. We did things that hurt, that embarrassed us, that excited our bodies in confusing ways. This stew of feelings became our life and we had to find a way to survive it all. Alcohol is a powerful tool for shutting down feelings. But it comes at a high price. If we're lucky we seek help before the alcohol pickles our liver or slams our car against a bridge abutment.

So we're invited to look squarely at the sexual trauma with kindness rather than judgment. And we can do that here because the men who found this site know the territory from first hand experience. This is what you're doing Garrett. I'm glad you found us. You're not alone with any of this. We've got your back as you do your healing work.
 
I have recently realized in the past few months i have turned to alcohol way to much. I had been drinking more and more over last couple of years. I know i have been here after drinking much and regretted it more than once. two months ago i joined a gym cause i was in my worst shape ever. i met with a trainer and dietician and i have cut back a lot on drinking. I know i was using it as an numbing or escape mechanism. I think i took to much on to fast, therapy, confronted family, sharing here, trying to stop using porn and memories. I drank to much all evening and night. now i am trying to not hate myself for using porn, memories or fantasies. My T has told me i need to no hate myself for it. Need to understand how i turned to such things as a cooping skill and its ok. I admit i still struggle with that as i think everyone will see me as sick.

I must say i am glad i have cut back on drinking. Though i do still give iN at time. Though now I i find i have a drink or two at times and just dont like it.
 
With you on this. Eventually it either stops "working" or it kills you. Same with the other addictions I've had: self harm, food, substances etc. Pleased for the 12 steps out there as part of recovery. Under it all much sadness/grief/anger/fear/abandonment/etc. Thanks - reconnecting in healthy ways is the solution.
 
I watched this video this morning and broke into tears... he speaks about the profound truth that we turn to substances that take us away because we are carrying the effects of trauma. I've never seen it expressed so clearly. Recovery from addictive behavior really is dependent on facing our traumatic past and finding compassion for ourselves.

 
Visitor said:
I watched this video this morning and broke into tears... he speaks about the profound truth that we turn to substances that take us away because we are carrying the effects of trauma. I've never seen it expressed so clearly. Recovery from addictive behavior really is dependent on facing our traumatic past and finding compassion for ourselves.

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Thanks for this. Incredible video.
 
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