Greetings

Greetings
S

Steve B

Registrant
Hi everyone!

I thought I'd come on in and introduce myself.

I am a survivor. My story can be quite overwhelming for some people so here's my disclaimer.. If you are easily triggered or bothered by these stories..

STOP READING HERE...


Ok, you've made it this far. I'm 34 year old survivor or multiple perps. They were mostly family, extended family and "friends" of the family. I had about 26 different perps. I say about because at one point I had a therapist that had me make a chart of each person I remembered.. and I wrote down each name that I remembered or a detail of a person that I remembered but there were times that I was attacked when there were many attackers and my disassociation makes some of the details blurry. I have concrete memories from age 4 through age 19. I have questionable memories from the crib and playpen that I do not count as "concrete" memories. As you can imagine it has wreaked havoc on my psyche to have lived through all of this. I am generally grateful that I did. I married 8 years ago this past October and I have 2 adorable children. I am extremely controlling and protective of my children. Good or bad, that's the way I am.

I still have issues with identity and there are many days when I hate myself for what happened to me. Intellectually and logically I know there is no way that I am to blame for what happened.. and 8+ years of therapy have mostly solidified that but I still have such shame and guilt issues that result in there being a core of who I am that I really despise and hate.

I still fantasize about the abuse from time to time. Oh.. and all of my perps were male with 1 exception. On one occasion there was a female perp.

It's absolutely amazing to me that this place exists and that there are people out there feeling the same way I am. I have always known there were other sexual abuse survivors but in reading so many books I never connected with the survivors.. until I came here and started reading the posts.

It's awesome that we can come here and share and discuss what needs to be talked about.

Thanks for reading..

~~Steve
 
Steve,

Hi and welcome to MS. This is a safe place for you with lots of supportive people.

Post as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing both on the public and members sides.

Glad you found us!

Regards,

Zipser
 
Steve,

Welcome. Everyday and everyday, we have new members register here at MS. I've been here for almost 4 months. And throughout that time, I have never stopped being amazed at how much pain can be in a place where so much good happens. I am not glad for why you came here but I am glad that you did. You are among friends here.

Hang in there because you are worth it.

Darrel
 
I know I've told you this before, Steve, but Welcome to this place. I'm glad you found us. Stick around and post when you want to, and just get to know us.

I'm so sorry for the things that happened to you. No child should ever have to go through what you did.

You're among friends here, Steve. I hope you can feel it and please know that you are loved.

Safe hugs,

John
 
Hey, welcome aboard Steve, you're among MANY good people here that have helped me and I think that you have much to hope for. I've been on board (mostly in the chat room lately) for 4 months or so now and I've been making progress everday.

So come here whenever you like and talk about whatever is on your mind, we can all help eachother here.
 
Hi Steve

Welcome to MS like you I am a survivor of multiple perps but it is possible to recover from our past trauma especially with the help offered by the guys here.

Take your time, ask questions and you will find that you will get all the answers you wish.

Take it easy
Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Steve,

As the others have said, welcome to Male Survivor. This place really is a blessing and as you get used to it and contribute more it will help you more.

You are among friends and here you will be believed, appreciated and supported unconditionally.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks for the warm welcome guys! I really appreciate it! There is so much to read here.

How long does it take to heal? I really thought I had it combatted after 8+ years of therapy and all the anti-depression drugs.. and finding spirituality.. but I still have major identity issues.. and anger and rage issues.. I thought they were kind of normal.. but now I think they are just repressed issues that I never dealt with. Ugh..

Does the SA stigma ever go away within us?

Frustrated..

Steve
 
Steve,

Those are the real nitty gritty questions, aren't they? I'd like to answer the second one first.

Yes, the stigma does go. We come to realize that what happened wasn't our fault and we learn that while there is a lot of shame to this, it all belongs to the abuser. It's NEVER the boy's fault.

We don't get to forget what happened, in the same way that vets don't get to forget their wartime experiences. But we get peace. We reach a point where these memories cannot hurt us anymore or divert or hijack our lives. That's what recovery is all about.

How long does it take? There's no answer to that my friend. We take the steps forward when we are ready. We learn to recognize when we are ready to move forward, and our brothers here help us so much with that, but ultimately the answer is that there isn't any schedule.

I would also like to propose something very positive to you Steve. Recovery and healing aren't goals way off in the distance. They amount to getting on a path and staying there; it's about our attitudes toward things and learning to trust ourselves again and accepting that we are worthwhile and lovable and deserve rich and joyful lives. We are all at different points on the path, but just getting onto the path in the first place is already the key step.

Again, welcome to Male Survivor.

Much love,
Larry
 
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