Greetings! But not sure what to do

[GonnaBalright]

Hello,

My name is Todd. I have been registered here for a couple of years but have been inactive because of my busy schedule. I have been wanting some inner healing but just not sure how to go about it. For years I have prayed to God and sought the healing through reading the scriptures and hoped I could find healing through my local community of faith. But unfortunately several years have passed and nothing much has changed.

I want to fit in, but I just feel so different. I am confused about who I am. I am divided - am I gay or just extremely broken? At one time I felt so strong and sure in my personal faith, but now I doubt that I will ever measure up to these church people.

Has anybody here felt the way I do? I am concerned because I am getting bitter and struggling with anger issues. I would appreciate any feedback.

 

[victor-victim]

hi,Todd.

i know exactly how you feel.
at least i think i do, based on what you have written here.

the only thing i disagree with in your post is the reference to measuring up to church people.
comparing to others only leads to envy and/or pride.
i believe we are all equal in soul.
the struggles of the spirit plague us all.
we are, none of us, perfect, nor is this possible.

you have only your own standards to live up to,
and those standards are provided and decided through your personal relationship with your concept of god.

if you think of yourself as a single piece in a jigsaw puzzle, you can see why it is so difficult. there is a place, a 'perfect' position in the picture, where you belong. there are, however, very few pieces you are compatible with, and finding your fit may take some time.

once your spot is open, and the surrounding connecting pieces are in place, the empty space will look exactly like you.

who knows, you may end up being the final piece that completes the puzzle and the picture.

may you find your final peace in this life.

 

[Michael1965]

Hey Todd! Welcome back to MS. You have come to a place of healing! I am sorry for the things that you have been though. It is all so very confusing and painful! We have all experienced the things that you are going through. Unfortunately it comes as part of the deal.

I too have wondered if I am straight, gay or somewhere in the middle. I like you have experienced the ups and downs with my faith. I invite you to read some of my posts. Right now I am not sure what I believe.

You fit in here with us. This is the most compassionate, understanding and loving guys that I have ever known! There is no judgement! We are here to help each other through.

For me personally i find help and wisdom every where I turn here on MS. Reading other people's post, private messages and being on chat! I welcome you to PM me or find me on chat.

Tonight at 9:00 EST on chat is Healing Circle. I invite you to check it out. It is a great thing.

I am here for you and again I still struggle with the same things that you are struggling with. I would love to help you through them so that you know that you don't have to do this alone!

I wish you Peace and Healing

Mike

 

[woodenshoes]

Todd

Welcome back. I believe Victor said it with such pricise feeling. I must agree with him. You are the piece to complete the puzzle. You have to work at it to find the place you fit into.

Woodenshoes

 

[gettingstronger]

Hi Todd,

Welcome back! If I may, let me just throw out a few things. First, like Victor said, don't worry too much about the "church people." If they were candid with you, they'd admit that at best they try to do the right thing (more often than not) but they often fail. The "holy church person who never sins and has the right to cast stones" is an absolute myth. They're no better than you in God's eyes, so don't throw yourself under the bus on their account.

Straight or gay? Part of the incredible damage from CSA is that, if the victim was lonely, the perpetrator groomed him well, and if the abuse felt good at times, he could wind up wondering if he's gay. After all, some parts of it felt good, right? That's another myth. Male sex organs process sensations the same way regardless of their origin, so don't believe that one either. That doesn't define your sexuality.

I also struggle mightily with anger, if that helps! I was pretty much prohibited from ever expressing it during my formative years, by all of my authority figures. I got to a point where I could literally see myself swallowing it, so of course that in turn created a lifetime of stomach/g.i. problems. You have every right to be angry as hell and to express it. Most of us have a lot of unprocessed anger and grief, and it won't go away until it's expressed fully and you've made peace with it. So please BE ANGRY. It's ok!

So, once again, welcome back. Your prayers may well have directed you here! (I believe that to be true in my case.) I really believe healing comes to those who are willing to REALLY look for it. Take care.

Bob

 

[GonnaBalright]

I see it - I have several times thought of myself as a puzzle with a few pieces missing. Pieces that were stolen from me at a very early age, and all my life I have been searching to recover those missing pieces because the beauty and purpose of my life cannot be shown without them!

But if I look at at it the way you view it, I can relax, take a deep breath and use and admire the parts of the puzzle that can be seen.

Several of you have mentioned this concept, thanks for sharing Victor!

 

[GonnaBalright]

Sorry I missed the chat tonight. I will try to catch it another night. I have tried to talk about being molested as a child with people from within the church; from people I thought I could trust. But I ended up making them feel uncomfortable and then also some gossip was started about me. So then I shut up and would not talk about it. This whole thing started about 10 years ago. But I feel I am ready to do this. I believe that there is a devil and he is taking nations, communities, and peoples down with this "Silent Legacy". I want to stand up and say "No more!!"

Thanks so much Mike and you guys for your kind and caring words!

 

[GonnaBalright]

Thanks for sharing, Bob. I am just a little bitter with church and religion. I was raised with the understanding that Christianity (or faith) was not religion but a relationship with your God. I have gotten a lot of negativity from too many of them, I feel like some of them are too good to associate with me. But at this point - so what! My life goes on with or without them. I do not want to go too far into this right now, but thanks for letting me vent guys! I will start opening up with my story hopefully next time I sign on within a few days

 

[motmcd]

Welcome aboard, Todd. Great having you here. You'll fit in with the rest of us normal guys. And we're all normal, each with our own story. Try not to over invest in the church stuff. Avoid the pompous-ass, better-than-thou types. They're all noise and clatter anyway. Find comfort in the quiet, simple, mild-mannered types. God works best through them, or so I think.

Be patient with yourself. Take your time finding those puzzle pieces and enjoying reconnecting with each piece as you reassemble the glorious man you are.

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Todd ... welcome back.

You made a statement with which I must take issue ...

" am I gay ... or just extremely broken. "

Many of us do/did struggle with that ... as do boys and men who are not survivors.
The abuse has nothing to do with one's sexuality ... it only confuses the issue.
A person is born gay ... a person is born straight ...
and the rest of mankind is born to fall somewhere between those two parameters.
Only you can decide where in that equation you fit ... and the truth is where you should live.

Let me rephrase what you said ...

" I am extremely broken." ... " And am I gay? "

Except for the 'extreme' ... the first is an absolute ... the second is left up to interpretation.
Something made me with hazel eyes. I can wear blue contacts ... but I still have hazel eyes.
Respectfully ... I would suggest you interpret honestly your true feelings on your own sexuality
... and then interpret your faith.
One is biological ... only the other one can be reexamined ... and changed.

There is another issue ... one over which you have total control.
You can chose who you share your life with ... religiously and secularly.
If the people around you won't take you 'as is' ...
go shopping.

Here in Ms ... nobody cares about the minutiae of life ... here we take you
"as is"

Sharky

 

[Robert1000]

Hey,

It's a really positive thing that you wrote here on this forum. Nice job. I may be able relate to the things you've written. I struggle with my faith, with anger issues, with feelings of being a victim but also with rejecting victim-hood. I spent half a lifetime trying to pretend what happened hadn't happened, and then I started being honest with my past. I've come a long ways in the last six or seven years, but it hasn't been easy. I recommend writing profusely here when it helps. I have. And I've sought A LOT of mental health care. I've had years of therapy and will have years more, I have no doubt. Most of the things that I used to do that I didn't like I've quit doing, if you know what I mean. (I think one of my dysfunctions is that I told tons and tons of little white lies and felt ashamed constantly of them... that was part of my shame cycle.) I've got a lot of that shame-cycle crap under control... most of the time. Anyway, it's not easy. Progress is slow. Emotional patterns are hard to change, and I've definitely done some backsliding... but what a relief to be generally making forward progress.

So... congrats for joining the club here on malesurvivor. I'm sorry that this is a club that you're eligible to be in. It sucks, but on the other hand... here we are!

Take care. Good luck in your healing.

Bob