great expectations

great expectations
T

teimosa

Registrant
I am not sure how to feel right now. I am on the heels of my BF first visit to LA from the east coast. We both had great expectations for what the weekend was going to bring. I planned to take him to the prom (I work at a HS) and we were invited to dinner by my boss and some of the administrators on my job (a big deal for me). I planned to introduce him to my friends (especially since he has expressed discomfort in my friendships) So I wanted to give him an opportunity to meet them so that he wouldn't feel so much like an outsider. We was really excited about going to the prom with me and spent a lot of time buying a suit (it was his first suit too...) Unfortuntely things didn't turn out as well as we had hoped. We spent at least one full day arguing over non-sense....

I wanted to tell about the major blow-out that we had so that I can get some perspective. There is a bit of background information that becomes necessary to make this make sense.

#1. There has been a marked difference in our intimacy since our 1 1/2 year separation. We define it as difficulty in connecting. I have my insecurities about my ability to please him as a lover sometimes. In a moment of insecurity and vulnerability this weekend, I asked him if he would cheat on me. He said no...he asked me if I had thought about it...I said no (the thought had never even crossed my mind)...

#2. I have been very honest with him about my sexual activities before we got back together. He has asked me to account for what I had been doing, which I did (as did he).

#3. I was in a casual sexual relationship with someone else before my BF and I decided to commit to one another. I ended that other relationship immediately after committing to my man.

OK..here's where the chaos beings. On Sunday, my BF and I were in my apt talking when my cell phone rang...it was a private number, so I answered it. At first I didn't recognize the voice, and asked who it was. It turned out to be the guy that I had previously had the sexual relationship with. We had not had any conversation in several months (since I told him that the situation between us was over). He really caught me off guard with the call. I didnt feel that that moment was the appropriate time to deal with the call, so I told him that I was busy talking with my BF and that I would have to speak with him another time... end of conversation.

My boyfriend asked me who it was, so I told him. He became extremely angry at the way that I handled the call. He told me that I was leaving the "door of opportunity" open to this guy by not telling him right there and then that he should never call me again. I told my BF that I had already made it clear that I was not interested in a sexual relationship with him and didn't presume that he was calling me for that reason. He insisted that that was the only reason that he could possibly be calling and that I had failed to stand up for our relationship by not nipping it in the bud right away. In fact, I was speaking to his insecurities by the way that I handled it. I apologized and tried to explain my point of view, but he refused to talk to me. He told me not to touch him, went to the bathroom showered and got dressed. I tried to talk to him after ghe got out of the bathroom, but he still refused to talk to me. I was feeling very helpless becuase I really didn't understand why he couldn't at least see that I was not trying to be underhanded. I told him over and again that I was not in contact with this guy and really didn't know why he was calling me (I really didn't). Still he refused to hear me. At one point, I tried to touch him on his arm and he literally jumped back away from me. I felt extremely rejected and misunderstood (not to mention not trusted). I felt like all the hours and hours I spent with him on the phone, all the letters, cards, the fact that I mailed him my desktop computer so that we can e-mail...all of the didn't amount to a hill of beans to him...I felt like he didn't want me around, so I got dressed and walked out of the apt. (I was pretty upset and angry). He heard me walk out and asked me to come back, so I did...He then landblasted me for leaving in the first place. He proceeded to pack his things (in a plastic bag no less, becuase his luggage didn't make the flight) and was amking arrangements to leave. At this point I lost my ever living mind. I resorted to some very dysfunctional behavior that I haven't seen come from me in over ten years. Screaming, crying, pushing...raging...(I am really ashamed at this). But I couldn't deal with the frustration of him accusing me of "leaving the door open" for this other guy (it reminded me of my mother calling me a whore throughout my life) and my abandonment issues where flying because of his threats to leave. I was so angry that I felt like breaking everything in my apt...thoughts of my hurting myself just to get back at him were flashing through my mind... I swore to myself that if he left me, I would become the biggest whore there ever was...

Needless to say all of this really disturbs me today. Though we were able to calm down before he left the next day, it wasn't without other incidents too...Him accusing me of being insensitive to his feelings and not trying to ease his insecurities...Him accusing me of having an "unrevealed position" about things....Him asking me what I am feeling, but turning around and getting angry or frustrated with my answer.

I am still committed to this realtionship, but I am very saddened by the events that took place this weekend. All I wanted to do was have some quality time with him, especailly since we only get to see each other once a month.

I came to the realization that I can't help him with his insecurities. NO matter what I say, it is not going to be the right thing...it's not going to make him feel better or more secure. No matter what I do, it is not a factor when he is feeling unsure or insecure about this relationship. I don't want to lose my mind trying to deal with his stuff (I have enough of my own). How to I express to him without sounding cold and callous that I am not responsible for his feelings. I try my best not to do things that I know will upset him, but when he his feeling bad about himself or about this relationship, I can't try to pull him out of it, yet I feel like he holds me accountable. I can't take that kind of pressure.

I am so ashamed at how I acted the other day...he doesn't seem to think that its such a big deal (personally, I think that he finds solice in extremely emotional outbursts) but I do. I have worked really hard to express myself in a positive way and not fall back on rage. I am not holding him responsible for the fact that I lost it the other day, but I don't want to go through a crazy cycles with him.

Please give me some insight on this....what I do to maintain my sanity...
 
Hi - I can totally relate to your situation. My BF too does tend to resort to jumping to conclusions as a means to justify an anger fit, or other behaviour that's not acceptable. My BF does'nt resort to suspicion about other men, but he does resort to suspicion that I"m about to "control him" by becoming emotional or throwing a scene (I have become upset with him, very angry, screaming, etc (maybe 3 times in 2 years) but NEVER in public so I'm not exactly sure what he's getting at.. but I digress..)

I too have on occasion reacted in a strong way the way you have - dont beat yourself up too much over it - I just get to the point too where I feel I've been SO patient and SO understanding and so forgiving with his distancing and his over-emotionality that when you get to the breaking point its just that it ALL comes flowing out. I too had a really bad fight with the BF this weekend that even resulted in a shoving match - I was so fed up with him and his distancing behaviour and his "come here-go away" shit that I lost it.

Anyhow - I dont know how much your BF is willing ot admit that he has a problem with his behaviour. My BF, thank God, realizes he has a problem (I recognize that I do too sometimes) and is investing time into addressing it. Most of the time he is beyond the denial part of his behaviour and is getting help (group therapy) and he is also willing to listen to some advice. I was watching Dr. Phil last night (love Dr. Phil!!) and he did a show on passive-aggressives, naysayers, negative people and he provided five steps on how to 'communicate with emotional integrity"

If you are both willing to use these rules then I can't see you NOT getting closer/resolving a lot of your issues (I just emailed these to my BF). Here are Dr. Phil's steps:

Communicating with Emotional Integrity

If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, or denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner. Dr. Phil suggests using the steps below in order to communicate with emotional integrity.

Give or receive input.
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.

Reflect content and feelings.
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he/she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc."

Accept Feedback and Respond.
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.

Stay in the moment.
Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.

Do not leave.
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.
 
Teimosa,

In the end, did you do the things you planned to do? They seemed important.

As for the rest, it takes time to make changes and to learn how to effectively respond to another person. Do not be too hard on yourself.

It sounds like you have come a long way, so one case of "losing it" should not destroy that. Until your BF is ready to address the situation, focus on getting back on track of your recovery.

It seems to me that you have packed a lot into his first visit and it may have been very stressful for him. If so, not the best way for heim to react, but it happens.

I like the things PAS attached. Thank you PAS for sharing.

Teimosa, take a deep breath girl. It will be ok. Focus on you. It sounds like he need time to sort through things.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
Thanks for your words of encouragement. It seems that we all tend to beat ourselves up when we disappoint our partners or lose our tempers.

As for did I do any of the things that I had planned. We did attend dinner with my boss, made it to the prom, we did visit my martial arts acadmeny for a few minutes (though we didn't get to take class as I had planned), we did meet one of my friends and I did give him a pedicure and we did watch Lord of the Rings together...These were some of the things that I had planned. I wanted to do a couple of other things, but all of Sunday was spend arguing, so it was a wasted day.

I am really putting forth a great deal of effort in mot berating myself for my behavior the other day. I have been trying to be very positive about our relationship and out ability to overcome adversity. Unfortunately, my BF doesn't seem to appreciate the way that I am trying to handle this. I try to explain to him techniques that I use to try to stay positive and why I believe that it's important to stay positive. But he accuses me of being removed and clinical.

Last night he called me. He says that all he wanted was to be stroked and reassured. Which I attempted to do. I told him that I loved and cared about him and that I was committed to him and the relationship. A reminded him that I tell him that I love him countless times a day, and more importantly I show him that I love him with my actions and my consistancy. He flat out told me that it wasn't enough. I woulnd't say that I was floored, but definately disappointed. I explained to him that I understood that he was upset and fearful, but I also felt that he was not treating my responsibly by telling me that my presence, actions and words, all of which come from a deep place within me, are inadequate. He then accused be of being resentful of the fact that I would say that I loved him as many times as I did...like it was some sort of problem or something for me. I tried to explain that I would be there for him and would be willing to give him the time and space (why did I say that...he automatically assumed that I meant that I would distance myself from him) to work out his issues. I also told him that I would not take on the repsonsibility to being the one who had to make him feel better. I have enough of a challenege just trying to make me feel better. I am not trying to fix him or heal him from his hurts. I will be here to listen and talk when he needs to, but I can't get all caught up in his stuff....When I say this to him, he interprets is as me being cold and clinical. He gets really sarcastic and calls me the little therpist or he says things like "Well I'm glad that YOU'RE on an emotional upswing" like he is resentful of the fact that I am trying to maintain a positive outlook. It really bothers me bacuase I feel like he is belittling me personal efforts and is being extremely critical of the say I choose to handle my half of the difficulities. Additionally, I feel like I can tell him that I love and care about him until I am blue in the face and it will still not be enough....
 
Here I am again....

I am feeling..I guess frustrated. My BF has been calling me throughout the day. He sounds like death warmed over. He is feeling very fearful and sad. He keeps telling me that he is only considering making the move across country becuase of me...to be with me. But he wants to feel safe and secure about doing it. Now, the other day, he asked me some questions, which I answered, but not to his liking. He wanted me to say all the right things to make him feel like he is making the right decision. At this point, I am ready for him to come out here, but I want to tell him that if the thought of coming out here is making him feel so sad, then maybe he should wait until he feels more comfortable. I am afraid to say this to him becuase the last time I said something to that effect, he got really upset with me becuase he felt like I was renegging on my offer for him to come out here. I am really at my wits end. The fact of the matter is that I have no problem expressing to him how much I care, but when I feel like he is demanding that I tell him so that he feels better and more secure, I just clam up. I don't have to desire to say anything, becuase I feel that what I am saying is being weighed and measured to determine how much better it's going to make him feel. In the long run what I say never seems to measure up.

He was supposed to mail me a letter 2 weeks ago. I asked him if he had mailed it yet, he said no...he also told me that he feels stupid to mail it now. It makes me feel really stupid, becuase I just sent him my entire computer system, but he can't find the strength to mail me a letter. Talk about feeling stupid. I asked him if he went to pick it up from UPS, he simply said no...becuase he was sleeping. He hadn't called UPS to find out where it was or anything. I am feeling really resentful at myself for going through the trouble of doing all of that. I spent a lot of time, energy, money and effort to do that, but he tells me that I don't make him feel more secure by saying some magic words....Right now I don't feel like saying shit. I am angry at the fact that he is trying to hold me hostage because he is feeling bad. I am angry at the fact that he is trying to hold me responsible for making him feel better. It's not my responsility to do that.

He said that he hasn't spoken to anyone in days. And he feels lonely...he doesn't want to make friends and the pressure of being his only friend and everything else to him can be a bit much at times. Then he tries to make me feel guilty when I try to maintain my own friendships. He even seems to get jealous when my roommate comes home (she barely lives with me really, since she spends most of her time with her BF) The mere sound of another person's voice is enough for him to make some snide comment. I have some serious things that I need to talk to him about becuase I am also feeling some uncomfortable feelings, but I feel that to talk about them now would just make matters worse. He asks me what I am thinking and feeling, but if it doesn't reinforce what he wants or needs to hear, I feel like he is going to become upset and unable to really have a fruitful discussion. I really feel like I am being backed into a corner right now. I love this man, I adore him, but the pressure that he puts and ome and the responsibility that he expects me to take on is ridiculous at times. How am I supposed to be responsible for making him feel better. Why isn't my presence and willingness to be there enough? Am I being unreasonable and insensitive? That's how he makes me feel like I am being.
 
Teimosa,
NO!!! you are not being unreasonable or insensitive. You are doing lots of things to try to help. The problem may be that it isn't what he really needs ot get better. You can't fix it for him & if that is what he wants you to do it is a no-win situation for both of you.

I am concerned, however, because from your description of his behavior he sounds pretty depressed. Is he getting any help where he is?

He needs help & you can't be that help. You can & you are giving support, but you cannot fix him. Take care of yourself & remember that most things that really matter can be talked about when you both are calm, rested, & ready. If it has to happen now it is probably about something else -- fear, anxiety, hurt, etc. Sometimes getting past the so-called "issue" helps avoid long drawn out painful conversations.

--BB.
 
Teimosa,

I recommend a book called "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel. You have done so much work on yourself and should be proud!

Also, "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne has me turning pages lately.

Peace,
Freedom
 
I have talked about therapy with my BF on occassion. He has expressed interest in exploring this as an option, unfortunetly, becuase of his past experiences in institutional placement as a ward of the state, he has a great deal of distrust about therapy. I am not exactly sure what happened to him, but the so called professionals who were supposed to be servicing him seemed to have done a lot more damage than good. He isn't in therapy where he is right now, he feels that pursuing it right now would be pointless since he is getting ready to move out here anyway. He doesn't want to try to develope a therapy situation that he will have to discontinue in a couple of months. We have discussed online counseling as an option, but we haven't fully explored that yet.
 
This has been a rough alst few days. THings have continued to go down hill since my BF went back East. We have been arguing everyday. He has been asking me (although it seemed more like demanding) that I say "all the good shit" that I said to him when we weren't arguing. I kept telling him that I love him, but I just couldn't sound the way he wanted me to sound. I was angry and upset and tired to fighting. ALl I wanted was some time to regroup. I called him on Sat. we got into another argument. I was upset with him becuase I asked him to do something for me (it's a long story) really, it just amounted to him calling me to tell me that he recieved a package, and he decided that he would play a game about it. I felt that it was important, so I was visibly upset. This sprialed into an arguement, sonce he thought that I was overreacting. More and more arguements took place that day. His insecurities were flaring and it was impossilbe to get off the phone with him. So much so that I slept on the phone and work up to find him very much awake on the other end. I was feeling very angry at the fact that I felt almost like I was being held hostage on the phone. We weren't solving anything and were accomplishing little more than making each other more frustrated. All I wanted was some time to regroup and get myself together. I got upset and told him that he was being unfair to me and that it was inaccurate to make me out to sound like a cold, heartless, emotionless bitch. I had never ha anyone make me feel like I was this way. I told him that I was going to do somethings around the house and would be going grocery shopping and out to take myself to lunch. He told me to bring my phone. I just couldn't do it any more...I said no. he was really upset about that. He called me for several hours while I was out. I got the messages later, he was angry and tolf me that I really didn't love him and that I had a lot of nerve telling him that I did. I tried to call him back that day, but he wouldn't anser the phone. He hasn't called me all day either and won't return any of my calls. I am just at a loss. I don't know what to say or do.

He is supposed to come back out here in 2 weeks. I don't know what is going to happen.
 
Teimosa,

Take the time off and focus on yourself. He obviously needs something that he is not telling you. What is really going on here?

Calm down and enjoy the silence. The accusations may, and most likely do, have very little to do with you. Do not own and internalized the ones that do not apply.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
Cardinal Rule #1: Never allow your significant other, with SA issues, to have to be threatened by thoughts of being compared to anyone else in ANY sexual form.
He cannot accecpt anyone elses sexualality, past or present, because he has to constantly live with having to cover up and forget his. There is no such thing as favorable sexual thoughts for him that he wants to live with, unless he can build them with you.

Now for Biblical rule #7: THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTRY.

I am no where near out of sermon on this one, but unfortunatly; I am out of time.

quote: In this time of ecenomic uncertainty, it is easy to see who is dedicated to providing health care, and who is in it for the money.
Tom S.
 
*****MORE INCREDIBLY FRANK TALK FROM JAMES****


You need space. Stop with the 'safe distance' stuff. And what is this adolescent game of "I won't pick up when you call"?

Not to mention the control issues, the codependency, the drug use (steroids ARE drugs). You need to get help for you. You are so wrapped up in "his" issues that you aren't helping you.

Read back your postings. You are WAY overscrutinizing, number one; number two, JUST BE.

And I like to analyze stuff, I should know when someone else is doing it too much. :) Take this advice, please:

"Don't just do something...stand there."

I am very serious with that. Read it, Think it, repeat it like a mantra. SLOW the F down.

Find out WHY you feed so much on this chaos. Why do you stick around with it? What is appealing to you about all the fighting and crises? What would happen if it all ended tomorrow? What would the two of you do?

I get nervous for you, and I am not even living it! You do not have to be anyone's savior. Support yes, shoulder, yes.

Enough of the lecture. Take care...of YOU.

Peace,
James
 
Wow James. please tell us how you really feel! (smile) :p

But I agree, take a break. I amnot sure you feed on the chaos; but your BF seems to get something out of it.

I am thinking, if you self-destruct, he will probably still be there with his issues.

Be a model for balanced, stable life.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
Freedom -

I even wince a little some times when I read my own posts!!

But, I am having survivor honesty (I just coined that term) in which I call 'em like I see 'em.

I like your sense of humor!

Peace,
James
 
James,

Thank you. Personally, I prefer the direct approach so yours works for me. I cannot see any reason for wasting time beating around the bush. But I do accept that what may be honesty to me may not work for someone else. :)

I like the term "survivor honesty" So you wince as well!? :p

Freedom.
 
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