Got mad when my "T" suggested we work on the molestation instead of my wifes affair.

Got mad when my "T" suggested we work on the molestation instead of my wifes affair.
J

John Oarc

Registrant
When I went to therapy many years ago, I thought I was there for my failing marriage, I wanted to divorce my wife secondary to an affair. I told him about the molestation though and he went straight for it instead of putting all of his efforts on my wifes affair. I went in because of the pain of dealing with another man touching my wife and I came out understanding the pain began with a man touching me. It made me mad that he suggested that I work through my own issues with the molestation, I am so glad I kept going and listened to him, it saved my life and my marriage. The affair was just an aftermath of the molestation it was not the problem that needed more attention. Getting to the root is the best thing about therapy, working on the peripheral things is like putting a sponge in front of a waterhose and expecting to stop the leak, turning the water of at the source is the key.
 
John,

All that is so true. We need to remember that the T is a pro, and it's his/her job to see through the emotions and surface problems to get to the real issues.

Quite often a survivor cannot really SEE. So many times a simple question from my T has been enough for me to understand things in an entirely different light. I think to myself, Why didn't I see that myself?, but THAT is precisely the point!

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi John. Glad to hear it saved you guys! Hey, question for you. Did you notice right away that your T was right? (to focus on your abuse rather than the affair).

I have faith in my T. He's very competent and professional in his approach. But things seems to go sooooo slowwwwwly in trying to resolve issues. It's like, where's the "fast-forward" button?

For you younger guys here, the "fast-forward" button is something that is found on antiques, typically on VCR's and tape players, if you've ever heard of those. :)
 
Guys,

I hope this is still on-topic. Seeing the posts above I wonder if you guys find that your T somehow knows how to talk to YOU? Mine seems to. What I mean is that she always seems to know the thing that I in particular need to hear.

That's pretty incredible, if it's true. It means that the T is able to identify and adapt to all sorts of clients and personalities. Sorry if I seem like I am awed by the obvious - that's pretty much me some days!

Much love,
Larry

PS: And sorry John, this is WAY off-topic but I just had to share it in light of Hauser's comment. When my kids were with me in Germany for Christmas shopping one year we went to spend a few days at the home of a friend of mine in Luebeck, an old medieval town. My friend has an old house, and she has decorated with old things. My son (then 16) asked can he use the telephone, and then a minute later he calls me over and asks what he should do? The problem was that the phone was rotary dial!
 
I recently saw a couple who had been married 28 years. He acknowledged childhood victimization (multiple perpetrators, violence) but wanted to focus on what he believed were his wife's affairs with other men. Despite her protestations (she even took a polygraph), he felt that was the primary issue in his life.

After listening to his accusations and her protests, I told him I thought the abuse was critical to the problem. Although he had seen five other therapists and really wanted someone to validate his suspicions of his wife's infidelity, I told them at the end of the session that he could write me off as the 6th therapist who didn't want to work on the wife's alleged affairs, but I would only work with him if he worked on his abuse issues.

We left with, "call me if you'd like to schedule another appointment". He hasn't called.

Ken
 
It's a sad thing but I think I've come to the realisation that I can't trust anyone enougth, at the moment to make therapy work.

I build up paranoid thoughts about being groomed again, being finacially abused or waisting my time. I always saw it as a problem with the therapist but maybe it's me.

The fast forward button rung such a bell! Only problem is when I can't find it again I look for reasons to push eject!
 
Mark,

I hope it's okay to comment on something you say here:

I can't trust anyone enougth, at the moment to make therapy work.
Click to expand...
Maybe it would help you to know that a T doesn't expect you to come in ready to trust. He/she just expects that you need help, that's all. The T is a pro and will know that trust between the two of you has to be built up before any close look at your abuse issues can begin. The first priority will be to make you feel safe and comfortable so that this process of building trust can begin.

Much love,
Larry
 
I did not want to hear him say I needed to work on me, or the molestation, I thought my wife was the problem, the affair haunting my mind every day and night. The affair acctually brought me to therapy, I hated the fact that I felt it was going so slowly, each session did not last long enough for me, I could not get enough in the hour because I wanted him to tell me I was ok and my wife was to blame.

Did you notice right away that your T was right? (to focus on your abuse rather than the affair).

I thought he was crazy, and I had a hard time trusting him with my secret molestated past. I actually felt like a criminal, like he would alert the Police that a molested victim was in the area and I needed to be watched like I would molest because I had been molested. He was and is a very good T, like Ken he stuck to the truth and did not let the fact that he could lose a customer get in his way of helping me. My hat is off to you Ken, you are one of the true therapist, a truth seeker. After years of therapy my wife dislosed to me that she had been molested and the affair was acting out on her part, so see the affair was not the problem in either of our cases, the unknown root was the cause. My porn addiction and inability to love her or get past my wall led her to seek attention elswhere and her past childhood trauma led her to adultry.

Thanks guys,
 
John,

Just from my experience of working with a T, it always amazes me how she is able to lead me to the right path with questions and ideas that I respond to myself. I never feel I am being dragged to any conclusion; when I see something I do feel genuinely satisfied with it, even if later we have to repeat the whole discussion. I have never been made by a T to think I am wrong; she just works on other things until I am ready to try the difficult area again.

Much love,
Larry
 
Sometimes we cant see where a therapist is going.

Once I went to see this guy and thought he was full of shit.

BUT - I came away understanding that part of my issues were mourning for the loss of a father, caused by my father abusing me.

I can now see that my Dad took away my father the first time he abused me.

I couldnt talk to my dad about marriage, I couldnt seek him out when I felt down. All things a normal father provides I had to do without.

I dont know in your case, all I am trying to say is that shirnks SOMETIMES go about things in a roundabout way. And sometimes they do help us even if we cant see it at the time.

:)
 
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