Got a question peoples

[Oz]

Hey fellas,
Quick question. What does it mean to "recover from" or "get over" sexual abuse / assualt? I can't tell myself because I haven't got a friggin clue where I'm at. In some parts I'm certain I've dealt with it, in other parts (self blame) I'm not so sure ya know. Need some clarity on it.
Cheers,
Peter

 

[reality2k4]

Peter,

it is a tough question and unique to each individual, SA really is so hard to get over, especially when it is raw in your mind. The building up of all the anger and frustrations, that build up in your mind are hard to deal with, let alone all the other changes it makes to your life.

Take each day as it comes, do things postitive to keep your mind off the subject, spoil yourself now and then, love yourself for who you are, and don't look on yourself as garbage, as we all do.

Read as much as you can take in, and identify with others who have been there, this is the best therapy for me after years of telling nobody.

You will get there if you really try,

take care

ste

 

[FLRich]

Peter,

First of all, I don't think any of us ever "get over" sexual abuse. Buddy, it happened, and it's there to stay. I suspect I'll carry it to my grave. BUT, I do think we can "recover from" sexual abuse.

I think once we recovered, we are able to place the blame on our perps, where it belongs, and not on ourselves. We are able to function in society and not be intimidated in crowds or whenever we find ourselves in lone situations with one other man, (such as in an elevator, or office). We are able to get some or all of our confidence back, and not feel substandard (I'm still working on this). We are able to handle nightmares for what they are, instead of trying to stay awake for days in order to avoid sleeping. We are able to have a family life without always being on edge and totally wrapped up in ourselves. Basically, we are recovered once we can function thru life without having to carry all this sexual abuse baggage every damn day of our lives.

I'm certain that I am not recovered, but I also know that I am closer to recovery than I ever have been in 31 years. I don't mean this in a sick way, because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I'm glad to know that I am not alone in this situation. There are others out there going thru the same things or worse, and we are trying to help ourselves and each other thru this crap. I am not alone anymore. I may not ever recover completely, but I can deal with it now. I can at least see a bigger picture for my life. Peter, I hope you can, too.

KNOW that your sexual abuse was not your fault. These asshole perps tell us that it is or make us feel like it is our fault, but thats all part of the abuse. The things my perp said to me have hurt me much more mentally and emotionally than anything he did to hurt me physically. Once the abuse was over, I was healed physically within months, but like I said earlier, it's been 31 years ago, and I still deal with the emotional and mental issues of abuse. These f*#*ers are a true work of art. Just rememner that the guilt you feel is not from within you or caused by anything you did. The guilt in you was planted there by your perp(s). Try to get rid of it, and place it back on them where it belongs. Once you can do that, then you are well on the road to recovery, Peter.

Good luck, buddy.

 

[Dan88]

Hey Peter,
If you're working with a therapist, this is a great question for him.

You mightalso want to check out Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer. It takes a great look at recovery.

 

[Ivanhoe]

Hi, Peter,

You have age on your side. You're starting on this a great deal sooner than most of us. As long as you have a therapist who is sensitive to your situation, that he or she is someone you can really talk to...someone you can talk to about what really frightens you, than you will recover and heal a lot sooner than some of us.
You are a young man and dealing with your pain and feelings now will only assure you of a long and happy future. Good luck to you, Peter, we are here for you.

David

 

Peter,

I echo David's reply. You are on the road to recovery. Recovery to me means that I won't always feel the way I do know. It was worse when I first came here. But even starting therapy, making the attempt, tells me someday it will get better.

Like David, I am older than you. And a lot of my life was lost to this. But facing it at ANY age is a victory.

Just know that you are on the path and walking with a lot of brothers who are walking alongside of you. Sometimes we trudge, sometimes we walk easily. But there is always someone here at our side. To catch us when we falter. To give us strength.

So keep it up. Where you are is where you are. And remember, wherever that is, it's OK and we are here for you.

Peace,

Marc

 

[Thomas]

Peter,

I echo the other replies, especially Rich's. I would add that for me, recovery means that I no longer have feel that I have no right to life or happiness. I can recognize where all those self-destructive behaviors came from and learn how to live a rich and full life. Without guilt. Without shame.

Tom

 

[Bill_1965]

What does it mean to "recover from" or "get over" sexual abuse / assualt?

Good question. Lots of good comments and takes above.

I think most peoples "get over" it comments mean forget it and ignore it. Forgetting it isn't possible. We will always remember it, either conciously or subconciously. We can ignore it, but it will affect us on so many levels. From destructive behaviors such as drug/alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behaviors, bad thoughts, abusive behaviors, low self-esteem, and a vast array of others.

"Recover from" would be learning to deal with the abuse/assualt in constructive manners. To learn how the SA affects you. To know what things about it make you feel a certain way and to be able to change your reaction to them.

We will always remember. Like the we remember other things occassionally. That stubbed toe in kindergarten, that whatever. Some memories are good, some aren't. But like the stubbed toe in kindergaren, remembering it doesn't need to encite panic, terror, and bad and dangerous behaviors.

Take care,
Bill

 

[Brayton]

I don't think I will 'get over' it. I reserve that term for things like 'I get over a cold.'

As for recovery, I don't know that for some of us anyway it is ever complete.

I look at it as a continuing process. There is no way to regain what was taken from me but I can conciously understand what happened and the specific reprecussions it has on my emotions today.

That helps my life to become more manageable and satisfying.

I would have been depressed and bi-polar anyway. PTSD exacerbated those conditions. Fortunately, I have found creative activities which are outlets for the overwhelming emotions I sometimes experience as a result of the abuse.

Without these things, understanding and creative outlets, I doubt that I could stand to live any longer. 'Recovery' is relative.

 

[RICK57]

Peter - I read this post a couple of days ago and didn't quite know how to respond.

Recovery/ recovering to me means that I don't think about what happened during every waking moment (like I did last December after 34 years of burying it). Recovery means that I am now effective in my daily life and that my downs days are becoming less & less (even rare). I've got so much strength of character again, where I had very little.

The best way that I can put this is: Imagine being deeply cut, that cut heals over on the surface & no one else can even see that you were cut. Under the surface of that wound, it is infected, and you can feel the infection building. You are so frightened of what the treatment will be, that you leave it to rot. Eventually the puss builds up underneath the surface and it eventually explodes through the old wound.

That's what recovery is to me every person I have told has helped to draw out some of that puss (and they helped me to mop it up when I burst). There's not that much to clean out now. The thing is when the puss exploded, it left a mark that is more visible than the old healed over scar...my friends are helping to erase it. They see my scar now, but it does not offend them, therefore I notice it less myself.

Hope it's not too confusing when I speak in Metaphors, for that is the best way I can respond.

Hope it helps - best wishes ...Rik

 

[Lloydy]

Peter
"getting over it" is, for me, being able to look at myself in the mirror and not see someone I despise.

I agree with everyone else who's replied as well, they all make perfectly valid points, and as many guys have said "we aren't going to forget it".
I've tried to forget it, and it didn't work. What I've done is alter my goal. "I want to live and deal with it"
And that's perfectly possible. I know it's still there in my past, but it's no longer the most important thing in my life.

As strange as it might seem I hardly think about my abuse any more, the details of 'what happened' rarely enter my thoughts.
I come here and help MS, and I work for Axis, a Survivors Charity here in the UK, which keep Survivors issues and problems right at the front of my mind day in, day out. But I only recall my abuse when someone relates something that happened to them that also relates to my life, and then I respond with my thoughts and experiences.

I think that if I left MS and Axis and concentrated on the 'normal' things that make up my life then sexual abuse would be a very small part of my life.
It's my choice to make it a significant part of my life.

I also think that it's perfectly possible for nearly everyone to do this. Yes, there are other related problems ( drink, drug abuse, depression, stress etc ) that have to be dealt with as well, but 'normality' ( whatever that is? ) can be a reality.

Dave