Goodbye

  • Thread starter Thread starterMM
  • Start date Start date
Goodbye
M

MM

Registrant
Hi everyone.

I havent been here lately, there are a lot of things going on. Some of it is not good. I am going through a really tough time and my T is not helping me. Im just so unbelievably sad, I dont know what to do anymore. I havent been on here in a while now, and Im sorry to say that I dont really have any good news. Im just sad and I dont know what else. Life cant seem to get any better. Im lost in my own world and cant find my way out.

I can't sleep... I can't eat without feeling sick. I cry all the time and I feel so scared about all the past... I cant do this... It's so hard hiding this from Eve and pretending to be ok and have a normal life... Its just too much. T is overwhelming and I dont understand why. I just can't turn my brain off and Im being constantly triggered. I feel like Im gonna lose control and trash the room or hurt myself. Im so angry at everyone especially myself and I dont want to analyse every little word or action I just want some peace.

I've been feeling pretty bad about myself lately for things I've done in my past. I've been feeling very ashamed and disgusted with myself. Whats wrong with me and why would I do something like that? I feel cheap, used, and disgusting. The confusing thing is that I know that I shouldn't feel that way, that I was young and was probably taken advantage of when I was down. I know I shouldn't get so down about it but still I am. I don't get that!!!!!! Why?

Ive decided to leave MS for good. I know I didnt contribute a lot and only took the help and advices. Im so sorry for that, I know I've let everyone here down. I want to thank everybody for the advices, please dont think Im ungrateful. To my big brother I want to say you made a huge difference in my life and Im sorry if I couldnt help you back.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't feel like this, I'm confused about it.
 
MM,

I'm sorry you haven't had a great time lately. I also hope that you check in just once more and listen to what we have to say. It's hard work recovering, but I hope you come back someday. This place is a great way to find ways of coping.

Your therapist sucks. Yes, this happens. My advice is to find another one. Keep searching because the right therapist makes a world of difference. It did me.

Do not feel bad about not contributing. Believe me, it is not necessary. Sometimes, all we can do is look for help, advice, etc. It doesn't matter as long as you keep listening, striving to get better. Sometimes it's only the effort, not the result, that matters.

MM, I will miss you and feel sad if you don't come back. I do know that you have to do what's best for you, and if that's it, I wish you well. Always keep reaching, always keep trying to be better. This may be all we can do, but it's worth the effort.

The flashbacks are hell, I know, but they are part of the healing process. Please don't fear them if that's what keeps you from here. Yes, I fear them. Every day. But they too are part of the healing process.

I wish you well, MM, and I hope to see you here again someday. You have a lot to offer and I'd like to see more of that.

Peace, love, and healing, bro. I care.

Scot
 
MM, new members are joining every day. I am one of the new ones. We come here very confused. We need people like you. Your experience can help us, and perhaps that would help you, too. But whatever you chose to do I wish you well.
 
MM

I too hope you decide to stay around here. I am here to learn so I can help someone else. You can help teach me things I need to know. If I know what to expect my "little buddy" to possibly encounter, I will be able to spend my energy dealing with it instead of freaking out. That IS contributing!

You seem to be beating yourself up over things in the past. I've been a "goody goody" all my life, and still I find things I hate that I have done. One truth is, it's in the past and we can't change what we have done, only what we do today, and tomorrow, and the day after that. Today can be whatever you want it to be! You deserve to be happy! If happiness and peace eluded you in the past, it's a sure bet it's there hiding in the future.

It IS hard. All these guys will testify to that. They have proven they will be there for each other no matter what. They are all great.

Maybe Scot has a key piece of the puzzle where the T is concerned.

You ARE worth it!

Lynn
 
MM, I hope you do come back to read this thread.

It sounds like you either have the wrong therapist, or you are at the point in therapy where everything looks like there is no way out. In that case, it is important to let your therapist know what you are feeling and thinking. You do not need to keep things from Eve. She loves you and I think you love her a lot. Believe me, our loved ones know more than we think they do, just because they do love us.

It can take a very long time to find the medication that really helps an individual. If you have been taking them as prescribed and they are not helping, then you need to see your doctor and tell him/her that, and ask for a different dose or a different medication.

You may need to take some time away from here. That happens a lot. We work hard at our recovery and then one day it seems that all we are is a survivor with no other life. That is a time to withdraw and do other things if they help you better. But you know we will always be here so you can always came back for a visit and eventually maybe you will be back fulltime.

MM you can continue to contact me if you wish. I am never too busy for a fellow survivor.

Bob
 
MM - It sounds like you're in a valley...the journey has highs and lows. We need to go through the lows as well as enjoy the highs. Granted, the lows suck big time BUT there are always high points ahead if we keep moving!!!

As for your T, I encourage you to share your thoughts with them. If nothing seems to pick you up and give you new direction, then perhaps this therapist has taken as far as they can. I've found that it may take more than one therapist to take you where you need to go. Therapists are limited at times because they just don't have the skills or experience or theu are limited. It doesn't make the therapist good or bad only helpful or not helpful. There are some areas I am ineffectual in while others that few therapists can come close to my effectiveness. You need to use the therapist as far as they can take you and move to the next level of therapy. One size may not fit all.

As far as beating yourself up, the worst thing I find people do -AND WE ALL DO IT WHOEVER WE ARE - is talk to ourself. Unfortunately, we also believe what we say. Old tapes from people "beating up" our ego, self image may still be playing. We listen to them too! Your T should be able to untwist your thinking and show you how to overcome those old tapes! Don't give up...(encourage not command)...because I have been in your place all too often. It feels like (put whatever explative you want!). But I also know that things do get better if you don't stop your journey.

I appreciate the fact that you're honest with yourself and not denying the lowness of your condition. Use that honesty to keep facing ahead and getting the help you need. You are a survivor and you can do this!!

Extending a hand to lift you out of the mire...you are NOT alone!

Howard
 
MM,
I agree with everyone else. I hope you do come back and read this and I hope you stay. You give to us just by being here and posting. You dont have to have great advise to give us to help us. Sometimes someone else is going through just what you are are either have no idea how to put it to words or just doesnt feel they can, and by reading your post you've helped them. I've replyed to a lot of your post MM but I get a lot out of them. Please stay. Please dont feel you have to do anything to be an active member of this board. There are lots who come here and never post just read. Every time you click the "New Message" button your giving back to us, your sharing yourself with us and that makes us stronger and wiser in the long run. I hope you find peice in your life. Just please dont give up. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
James
 
MM,
One of the things about being a survivor is that you have some days that suck worse than anything ever could in life and then you have some very good days. Somedays they don't always come when we need them to either. And sometimes we can give a lot by just sharing what is going on. Some of what you just described is exactly how I feel right now. And you made me stop and think for a moment to pick myself and go on another step.

Sometimes we give so much when we don't realize it. I wish things would be better for you right now but I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

Don
 
MM,
remember the old adage "this too shall pass".
Today may seem very bleak, but things will get better. I know you probably don't feel like hearing or reading a bunch of platitudes. You probably need a good sleep and a new therapist.
Good luck. Hope you stick around. Peace, Andrew
 
Mark
what the hell can I say after all that ?

Not much else to add is there ?
I wish I could sit beside you and persuade you to stick around, I wish more than anything that I had the power, the answers or whatever it takes to make it all go away. None of us do.

One thing that I'm eternally grateful for is the first thing my therapist said to me. "David, this isn't going to be easy" And I thank whatever higher power is looking after me that I believed him.
It's STILL not easy, but it's BETTER.
And I'm also eternally grateful for that.

If my Therapist had bullshitted me and promised all kinds of easy cures, I'd be on his case right now.
Because what we've been 'given' by our abusers is a crock of shit that I don't believe will ever leave me completely. But today in our group session I told the guys that I hardly ever think about the actual abuse any more. It's something that rarely enters my mind, and when it does I am now in a position to deal with it in a way that doesn't affect me.
I sometimes remember it, deal with it, move on.

I'm not saying my life is perfect, far from it. I still have guilt and shame problems from my acting out, because that was action that "I took" rather than action "against me" - but when I really sit back and think about it , I know different. It's something that I'm still learning to deal with.

I also have problems with sex and intimacy, but again I'm getting to a stage where I'm understanding them, and learning to deal with them.

I started my recovery in early 1999 after 31 years of silence. That's four years of recovery and very hard work. My therapist was right, "It isn't easy"

I tried to run before I could walk, still do, but in the end recovery takes as long as it takes.

I also know how much love you and your girlfriend share, and I know how much she wants to see you recover. Trust her Mark, trust yourself, BELIEVE !

I "believe" - I believe that I ain't ever going back, stay with us Mark.

Dave
 
MM,

There are times when we need to leave certain parts of our life behind and move on. Its a part of growth and healing.

As far as not contributing, I've felt that too. Like there was some debt or unwritten dues you have to pay to be a member here. The truth is though that you can contribute just by your presence and means something, comforts the rest of us that we are not alone.

It probably doesn't look like it now but its my humble opinion that the increased pain is a sign of healing, like rebreaking a bone that healed improperly, hurts like hell again.

I too hope that this goodbye just turns out to be a see you later or gotta be gone for a bit. Thats ok!

Whatever you decide, I feel priveleged to have heard your story and shared your struggle a bit.

Take good care,

Aaron
 
Mark,

Each of us has to put his own recovery first. If you choose to leave us because that is what you need now, remember we will be here to welcome you back whenever you decide to return.

You have helped me. I have learned a lot about myself in our discussions. Take my thanks with you wherever you go now.

Thanks,

Joe
 
reading this goodbye reminds me of something i wrote after a bicycle trip i did a couple of years ago. It really triggered some memories which i probably have get closed off during those last two years. At the time I felt ashamed, guilty and disgusted with myself. I felt so angry and I didn't know what to do because i didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else. I sent out an email similar to yours i didn't know what to do or where to turn. even the people who I counted on for support and motivation could not help me. I ended up going to the hospital and was there for 40 days. I'm not really sure if this is what you want to hear but this is what happened to me. everyone's situation is different. I had trouble confronting many of my issues regarding people i had abused in the past and things i had done. It was probably one of the biggest obstacles i have in my life even today. I wanted to be perfect and i knew from the people i had hurt i wasn't and that hurt me. Anyway the essence of me telling you this is that i am feeling so much better today.. I don't think i have or ever will deal with everything but i am working on it. i have done a lot of advocacy for child abuse and shared my stories with others both positive and negative. In the end it has been most empowering to see how much i have achieved and how far i have come. your message speaks from the heart and the soul. It reaches an area that i have had trouble going to in the last couple of years. Thank you very much for your honesty. I highly recommend though that you seek professional help either via a hospital or crisis line. If you feel you are a threat to your self and others I think that is the best thing you can do for everyone at the present time. It's easy for me to say now, but over time i believe you will feel better. Right now however,you need to think about what's best for your self. Just from reading the responses it is obvious there are many people that care about you and want the best for you. Good luck in whatever decision you make.
 
Thanks so much for your replies and PM it feels good to know you care this much about me but I have done a lot of thinking and I dont feel its fair to continue coming here. Im not in a good shape, I'm not doing therapy anymore and Ill just try to get some control back in my life at present, things seem to be spinning out of control for me.

Thank you for listening, it's so hard for me to really open up. I wish all the best for everybody.

Take Gentle Care
Mark
 
MM,

I hope that if you decide to leave, it is only on temporary basis, that you do return here. This is not place where you have to 'earn' your help. You are worthy here, you are valid here, however you feel and however much or little you write. You do not have to prove anything to anyone here. You are not having to write anything, or respond to anyone. I hope you can know that. It is not demmand that you be in therapy here, or that you treat yourself or your past in any special way. Everyone here is to help each other, we learn from others if they are good or not so good. Sometime, one person will say something specific, word it in specific way, that will make the 'lightbulb' go on for someone else. And it is not that they mean to help other, it just work out that way. So even if you think you are not helping others, you are.

Please be good at yourself while away of here, I hope you do return when you can. I wish you well and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top