Goodbye & Thank you

Goodbye & Thank you
N

Nancy

Registrant
Hello Everyone,

This is to say goodbye & thank you for allowing me to come here, to have been part of your lives, even for a short time.

I am very sorry for any problems I've caused as that was never my intention for it to happen at all.

There are very many special people here who deserve the best & I'm glad they have this site. It's the best site for survivors in the world.

Take good care of yourselves & those you love who are survivors. God bless each & everyone of you.

Wishing all of you peace & healing in your lives.

Very sincerely,
Nancy
 
Nancy: Although this experience was difficult for you I hope that you can see first hand now the type of experiences that we as friends and family (and those of us who are also survivors ourselves) deal with when trying to forge relationships with survivors.

We truly love our partners/family members, and want the best for them, but the experiences they go through often result in a lot of fear and anxiety which manifests itself as anger and mistrust. Survivors have such a hard time with trust that they have awful times trying to manage relationships and friendships. The whole adage of "once burned twice shy" takes on a magnitude all its own when dealing with survivors of horrific abuse.

This is why we come to this site - the reactions you got online to your posts are the types of things we get IN REAL LIFE from our partners/family members who are survivors. In the course of my short 2.5 year relationship, I fell in love with an old friend, then was quickly plunged into a hellish cycle of anger and distancing (which has included: being frozen out, had a doors slammed on my face/fingers, a few episodes of shoving and pushing, fighting to get him to stop smoking pot, and been told to fuck off and go to hell more times than I care to count), alternated with periods of remorse, relative calm and then some unbelievable hope and happiness. And in a few cases I've had to completely evaluate why the **ck I wanted to stay with this guy. At the breakign points in the relationship both breaking up and staying together were both painful options. We have brought each other to our knees many many times. It has been a hellish experience wrestling with this **cking demon that wont let my beloved fiance go.

So I guess you've had your own introduction to the bizarre and mind-busting world that we live in. If you do really care and want to support people here, then perhaps a financial or time contribution might be a place to start. But unless you're really committed to someone who is a survivor or a survivor yourself, or you have some experience/training in counselling or psychology, you may just continue to be frustrated with the type of reactions you may get on here. Its not that anyone has it out for anyone, its just the way this issue plays itself out.
 
First of all, I've wanted to respond to this bruhaha, but I wanted to give it some time.

People feel what they feel. I know that what triggers me wouldn't necessarily trigger the brothers here, and vice-versa. I also understand that there are a great many trust and valuation issues each of us are going through and are at different stages in that. Sometimes, I fluctuate between them so I can't tell you which one I am at any given moment. :p

However, I think we need to think VERY carefully before we suspect anyone of being either less than honest or insincere.

We've all been hurt by the "Nao" incident, and as a result, are VERY sensitive when it comes to trust and believing the people we speak to are who they are. But, and please forgive me if this is insensitive to ANYONE here, but we have to decide whether we trust anyone who comes here or we're going to hold each other at arm's distance.

Let's face facts here. Any ONE of us could be lying about who we are. The mods (tanks guys and gals!) are very good at what they do, but someone can be THAT good that they slip through all the cracks.

In short, we DO NOT KNOW. WE don't know that we are what we say we are.

We have to trust that we are who we say we are until proven otherwise, besides, what's the point of coming here and being open?

This is very hard for me, particularly when you think about how I was hurt by being betrayed by people HERE, not just by abusers.


I may as well get this out in the open: Does anybody here think I'm lying about who I am?

Be honest. Do you? And if you don't, how do you know?

You don't. You can't.

And while I think that Nancy showed a little too much exuberance, and freely told her so, the fact that she feels unwelcome here is a shame, particularly since she came in and TOLD us up front that she was neither a survivor or a partner/family member of one.

Why would anyone want to be here? I can't rightly say. I know that there are sick people who want to reabuse us, or simply want a "thrill." But I don't think Nancy is one of those people.

I find it ironic that we have brothers here who commit viscious personal attacks and make baseless accusations of other survivors yet are allowed to remain and someone who honestly wants insight on surviving abuse and is willing to offer support is forced to leave BEFORE we see how she'll respond to constructive feedback.

Also, I'm a writer, I'm writing a book and freely admit this. Does that make me suspect too?

Truthfully, we HAVE to trust people until they are proven unworthy of trust. If you have suspicions, take them to the mods. That's what they're there for and they do a great job.

Now, as for the other argument, why is she here if she's not a survivor's partner or family? Well, I think Nancy's sincere in this too. It's nice to have a sympathetic "voice" on the outside. How many people who HAVEN'T experienced really want to know about it? None. And yet some complain that they NEED to become aware. I've made this statement countless times.

We can't have it both ways, people. We either WANT people to know and get to know about it or we don't.

We either have to TRUST until proven unworthy of it or we don't.

We have to believe the mods and admins will watch out for the real frauds and expose them, and report them TO THE MODS, or we don't.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Flame away! :D

Peace and love,

Scot
 
No flames for you, Scot. Just want to let people know that we have come up with a way that will help eliminate multiple name posters who raise suspicions. It will also help with identifying some of the posters who have been banned.

Stay tuned.
Ken
 
Nancy
There's little I could add to what SAR's just posted.

We are a difficult bunch of people with huge trust problems, that's accepted I think.
But some Survivors trust so much less than others.

There are men here who welcomed you, and I feel that it's a great step in the right direction for those men to feel they are able to trust someone else.
But the fact remains that many more of the guys here are still struggling hard with their trust issues, which makes it difficult for everyone - more so for yourself.

It isn't personal, it's for our comfort and safety.

Thanks
Dave
 
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