goodbye for now
Hi guys,
Ive really enjoyed being part of this community, and Ive gained tremendously from all your honesty and openness. The site has meant a lot to me.
Im happy to say that Im slowly but surely freeing myself from the chains of memory and revisiting that plague us all. I wrote a note to the list about my recent healing experience (https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005236#000001), and the results have been more powerful than I ever would have thought. The abuse seems to be fading away, as though it were some giant sore that has been lanced and is disappearing into a scar.
Lately when Ive been visiting the site and writing responses, Ive actually felt like I was reaching into the past. And along with that feeling comes a very strange and totally new sense that Im reminding myself of my old pain, almost like I need to remember it rather than to simply let it go. Its like the pains been a part of me for so long that Ive become attached to it, like it was a crutch or something. Very strange.
When I first came here I had this amazing relief of seeing that I was not alone. Truly amazing. And I also felt this great sense of community. The site is filled with compassion and kindness, and Im very grateful for it. Now, when I create threads or write responses to people, Im conscious of a change in my psyche. I am no longer connected to the immediacy of the pain. It all seems a little distant to me, a little hazy. And so I dont trust my responses as much as I did before.
I believe very strongly in the power of habits of mind to control the directions of our lives. Over the past couple of years, Ive been participating in the forum pretty regularly, and Ive grown from the experience. I had a real need for the support. Nowadays when I come here part of it is because Im wondering how everyone is, and another part is a habit that causes reminders that seem like hazy flashbacks. I feel like the little birds I see in the bird house near my garage. Before their first flight, they hop up and down waiting to fly, but their wings still have patches of down that make it impossible. To me the reminders are the bits of fluff that need to fall away so the wings can really work. To let that happen, I need to break the habit of memory that pastes them back on every day.
Healing finally requires us to stop paying attention to the itchy scar, doesnt it?
So I guess the time has come for me to take the plunge and move away from here for awhile. Id like to see what the new patterns of life look like when the wound finally heals enough that I dont think of it every day.
Thanks for all of your support! Its been a privilege to be part of this group.
Danny
Ive really enjoyed being part of this community, and Ive gained tremendously from all your honesty and openness. The site has meant a lot to me.
Im happy to say that Im slowly but surely freeing myself from the chains of memory and revisiting that plague us all. I wrote a note to the list about my recent healing experience (https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005236#000001), and the results have been more powerful than I ever would have thought. The abuse seems to be fading away, as though it were some giant sore that has been lanced and is disappearing into a scar.
Lately when Ive been visiting the site and writing responses, Ive actually felt like I was reaching into the past. And along with that feeling comes a very strange and totally new sense that Im reminding myself of my old pain, almost like I need to remember it rather than to simply let it go. Its like the pains been a part of me for so long that Ive become attached to it, like it was a crutch or something. Very strange.
When I first came here I had this amazing relief of seeing that I was not alone. Truly amazing. And I also felt this great sense of community. The site is filled with compassion and kindness, and Im very grateful for it. Now, when I create threads or write responses to people, Im conscious of a change in my psyche. I am no longer connected to the immediacy of the pain. It all seems a little distant to me, a little hazy. And so I dont trust my responses as much as I did before.
I believe very strongly in the power of habits of mind to control the directions of our lives. Over the past couple of years, Ive been participating in the forum pretty regularly, and Ive grown from the experience. I had a real need for the support. Nowadays when I come here part of it is because Im wondering how everyone is, and another part is a habit that causes reminders that seem like hazy flashbacks. I feel like the little birds I see in the bird house near my garage. Before their first flight, they hop up and down waiting to fly, but their wings still have patches of down that make it impossible. To me the reminders are the bits of fluff that need to fall away so the wings can really work. To let that happen, I need to break the habit of memory that pastes them back on every day.
Healing finally requires us to stop paying attention to the itchy scar, doesnt it?
So I guess the time has come for me to take the plunge and move away from here for awhile. Id like to see what the new patterns of life look like when the wound finally heals enough that I dont think of it every day.
Thanks for all of your support! Its been a privilege to be part of this group.
Danny
