going to therapy
My husband Danny and I finally have a therapy appointment on Thursday morning. Its been nearly 2 months since I finally had enough and threw Danny out of the house and started putting all the pieces together of the past he never told me about. Since I learned about what a disgusting family I married into. Since I learned all the lies I married lies of omission that are so great and plenty of lies to my face. Because I was taught truth as one of the highest most important values I was a nave fool who had no idea I really didnt know my husband, didnt know where he was or what he was doing, didnt know he often lied straight to my face. Im pretty overwhelmed with thinking what will I say to this therapist? Where will I begin? Will I have to endure my husband talking about my anger issues? When I talk about my fears regarding our daughter, will the therapist find it necessary to report to CPS and then will I lose my daughter? You know, incest and fucking kids is not something thats a part of my proud Irish family history. Not in this generation. Not in the last. Not for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, this goes really deep. And yet my husband thinks I make far too much out of what happened with him as a kid. This morning I told him it made me extremely uncomfortable when he kept trying to get our daughter to kiss him in the bed yesterday morning, Give Daddy a kiss! Give Daddy a kiss! I said you need to not do that in the bed. He used to cross the line when she was on the change table. He yelled at me when I asked him not to. It took a therapist saying to him how would you like it if your mother was trying to kiss you while you were on the toilet? for him to sort of get it. So why is he arguing with me now about demanding kisses in the bed? Why cant he just see that it bothers me and NEVER do it again?
So many crazy things have happened since I posted about my situation. One of the main people I took my grief and anger to was my husbands brothers wife Linda. I went to her because we share that slimy father in law. She pretty much shut me out and didnt want to hear anything about the CSA or the fact that Mark (older than my husband) did sexual things with his little brother. When she got an anonymous letter typed on an old-fashioned typewriter 2 days later saying Ive been having an affair with your husband for several years and he has given me an STD she decided it HAD to be from me. She wrote a long email to my husband with all her logic as to why I had done this. Well, I know that Mark is a scumbag scoundrel cheating DOG who talks about his wife like crap behind her back and who does not have a God-respecting bone in his body because he only goes to church to keep up the faade and to placate her (Ive read the emails among the brothers and their dad). Of course I had nothing to do with that letter (Id admit it to you strangers if I had, Ive done some wacky things to express my disappointment with this family in the last few weeks but Id never concoct something so stupid). Of course, Mark is going along with her belief that Im behind it, going so far as to lie & yell at his brother over the phone as if Im the one giving him the STD. Who knows if there even was an affair or if its just some other angry person, the only way Ill be off the hook is if Linda does contract something, I suppose.
Ive decided to stay here in British Columbia and bunker down with my husband and daughter. My family is getting together in San Diego this weekend and Im missing out. They all know about what Dannys done and what hes been through (I had to tell my family because I needed their support. Theyve all come to visit me and given me all the emotional support I could ever ask for). I let Danny move back into the house a week ago Thursday night because I see him going to therapy, 12-step Sex Addict meetings, hes going to karate class 3 times a week, and hes even going to church every Sunday and doing lots of praying and meditating. When I saw the place where hes staying I saw there was no cable TV and he let me look everywhere for porn I found none. He says hes not on JDate anymore talking to women.
Im not sure if I ever posted about the day, about a month ago, when I went to his office and asked to see his internet history. He refused but I got pushy and saw that he had been on JDate a whole lot. He lied to my face, while I was looking at the evidence in front of my two seeing eyes. Then I started reading his emails and saw that he had been selling our company stock because he wanted to go on a trip with his dad and his brother. Dannys boss told him to get me off his computer and there was something of a scene when he shoved me across the room as I was trying to keep him out of my way so I could forward more of his disgusting daddy emails home to read so I could understand just what else he was doing with his sexual energies and with our money (our daughters future). He finally forced me out by unplugging his computer. I stopped by his boss office with Lauren on my hip and said to the boss, I just think you should know this sicko is into some sick shit. Just keep him away from your children. Danny told me later that the boss sort of raised his eyebrows at him and said is there something you need to tell me? Well there still buds (everyone loves Danny because he is the best schmoozer in the world and if I had no idea what a good liar he is after being with him 6 years, how could anyone else tell?) and at the time what did I care if I was jeopardizing his job when he was threatening our family and our future so well on his own? Of course what I was thinking of saying to the boss was your employee is using the internet in extremely inappropriate ways during company hours but Im smart enough to know that that probably WOULD get him fired before the end of the day. I just wanted my husband to know I mean business around ALL of his inappropriate sexual behaviors and how much they hurt me and frighten me. I told him last summer when I found the child porn that there was no grey area anymore and that I now had a zero tolerance policy. Its pretty sad what a crimp all this sickness will put on our sex life for the rest of our married life (if we stay married). I consider myself to be a person with a very wide berth of whats acceptable as far as how people want to express themselves sexually but because he went over the line so many times WITHOUT me Im left with no choice but to be like a cop who cant allow for much deviance or imagination. This reminds me; 2 days ago I was looking through the pictures of Lauren on our digital camera. There they were. A half dozen naked pictures of my little girl. One just of her breasts. He laughed it off then said sure, they should be deleted now that he understands these issues better. He explained he just wanted to document that time when she was so chubby, when she just started walking and hadnt worked off her baby fat yet. But what I want to know is just who in the hell did he think he was to begin with to do that without telling me about it? Of course my blood was boiling and the fear in the pit of my stomach is continuing to give me a stomach ache today.
Just wanted to post to let you know were finally going to counseling. Because my husband lies so much and Ill never really know what he and his father were up to as far as the pornography habit (many of the emails were very cryptic) Ive let him know the only way I can continue in the marriage is if he sees a sex-specific therapist who has worked with sexual abusers for an evaluation/assessment and possible therapy. We found someone who works for the court system generally (nobody goes in for this kind of thing voluntarily). He will sign a waiver so that I may have access/be able to view the report. The first available appointment of this kind we could find is November 30, but hes on the wait list for any cancellation that might come up. I still think something might be said to one of these counselors that worries them enough to report us to CPS. I almost called CPS myself last week on advice from a hotline I called. I was told theyd likely be called in anyway once the therapy process gets underway so if I were to be proactive and show that I as the mother am willing to cooperate and do whatever it takes to be sure shes in a safe environment theyd be more willing to be on my side. I was coming very close to making that phone call because it was the fifth week of my husband being out of the house and all the surrounding stress was so much to handle. My mom and my husband completely flipped, calling CPS wolves whod destroy our family.
I tried to explain to my husband that his dad and his brother had basically stamped his forehead with a scarlet letter I for incest and thats one of the worst elements of the abuse how it causes others to forever look at you differently. Danny mentioned to me 4 years ago he thought hed heard something about his grandfather molesting his Aunt Dava (dads sister). All the bits and pieces have been lying dormant in my brain because this type of ugliness is not something most people want to ponder often so I put it out of my mind. But now theyre DEFINITELY together. I went on Paxil (anti-depressant) after I found the child porn, but once I threw Danny out of the house I gradually weaned myself off them and find Im sharper as far as actually being able to look at the ugliness and put it together rather than stick my head in the sand. When I said look, your dads a child molester. His dads a child molester. This paired with your behaviors still leaves me with no choice but to have you go through a thorough and objective psychological evaluation. I said this while he was at work. He called me back later and said hed called his Aunt Dava and told her what he experienced as a child and that he had to ask her if she was molested because he thought hed heard something but wasnt sure. According to Danny, Dava said she was molested when she was 3 and 4 years old, but not by her father. Her father was emotionally abusive, but not sexually. Because this information is pretty important to me as well, whyd he have to have this conversation while he was at work, completely leaving me out of it? Now I have no way of knowing if he even had this conversation.
My story could go on and on forever but I just wanted to post before this counseling appointment and I guess Ill probably post afterwards because I know its going to be an experience.
So many crazy things have happened since I posted about my situation. One of the main people I took my grief and anger to was my husbands brothers wife Linda. I went to her because we share that slimy father in law. She pretty much shut me out and didnt want to hear anything about the CSA or the fact that Mark (older than my husband) did sexual things with his little brother. When she got an anonymous letter typed on an old-fashioned typewriter 2 days later saying Ive been having an affair with your husband for several years and he has given me an STD she decided it HAD to be from me. She wrote a long email to my husband with all her logic as to why I had done this. Well, I know that Mark is a scumbag scoundrel cheating DOG who talks about his wife like crap behind her back and who does not have a God-respecting bone in his body because he only goes to church to keep up the faade and to placate her (Ive read the emails among the brothers and their dad). Of course I had nothing to do with that letter (Id admit it to you strangers if I had, Ive done some wacky things to express my disappointment with this family in the last few weeks but Id never concoct something so stupid). Of course, Mark is going along with her belief that Im behind it, going so far as to lie & yell at his brother over the phone as if Im the one giving him the STD. Who knows if there even was an affair or if its just some other angry person, the only way Ill be off the hook is if Linda does contract something, I suppose.
Ive decided to stay here in British Columbia and bunker down with my husband and daughter. My family is getting together in San Diego this weekend and Im missing out. They all know about what Dannys done and what hes been through (I had to tell my family because I needed their support. Theyve all come to visit me and given me all the emotional support I could ever ask for). I let Danny move back into the house a week ago Thursday night because I see him going to therapy, 12-step Sex Addict meetings, hes going to karate class 3 times a week, and hes even going to church every Sunday and doing lots of praying and meditating. When I saw the place where hes staying I saw there was no cable TV and he let me look everywhere for porn I found none. He says hes not on JDate anymore talking to women.
Im not sure if I ever posted about the day, about a month ago, when I went to his office and asked to see his internet history. He refused but I got pushy and saw that he had been on JDate a whole lot. He lied to my face, while I was looking at the evidence in front of my two seeing eyes. Then I started reading his emails and saw that he had been selling our company stock because he wanted to go on a trip with his dad and his brother. Dannys boss told him to get me off his computer and there was something of a scene when he shoved me across the room as I was trying to keep him out of my way so I could forward more of his disgusting daddy emails home to read so I could understand just what else he was doing with his sexual energies and with our money (our daughters future). He finally forced me out by unplugging his computer. I stopped by his boss office with Lauren on my hip and said to the boss, I just think you should know this sicko is into some sick shit. Just keep him away from your children. Danny told me later that the boss sort of raised his eyebrows at him and said is there something you need to tell me? Well there still buds (everyone loves Danny because he is the best schmoozer in the world and if I had no idea what a good liar he is after being with him 6 years, how could anyone else tell?) and at the time what did I care if I was jeopardizing his job when he was threatening our family and our future so well on his own? Of course what I was thinking of saying to the boss was your employee is using the internet in extremely inappropriate ways during company hours but Im smart enough to know that that probably WOULD get him fired before the end of the day. I just wanted my husband to know I mean business around ALL of his inappropriate sexual behaviors and how much they hurt me and frighten me. I told him last summer when I found the child porn that there was no grey area anymore and that I now had a zero tolerance policy. Its pretty sad what a crimp all this sickness will put on our sex life for the rest of our married life (if we stay married). I consider myself to be a person with a very wide berth of whats acceptable as far as how people want to express themselves sexually but because he went over the line so many times WITHOUT me Im left with no choice but to be like a cop who cant allow for much deviance or imagination. This reminds me; 2 days ago I was looking through the pictures of Lauren on our digital camera. There they were. A half dozen naked pictures of my little girl. One just of her breasts. He laughed it off then said sure, they should be deleted now that he understands these issues better. He explained he just wanted to document that time when she was so chubby, when she just started walking and hadnt worked off her baby fat yet. But what I want to know is just who in the hell did he think he was to begin with to do that without telling me about it? Of course my blood was boiling and the fear in the pit of my stomach is continuing to give me a stomach ache today.
Just wanted to post to let you know were finally going to counseling. Because my husband lies so much and Ill never really know what he and his father were up to as far as the pornography habit (many of the emails were very cryptic) Ive let him know the only way I can continue in the marriage is if he sees a sex-specific therapist who has worked with sexual abusers for an evaluation/assessment and possible therapy. We found someone who works for the court system generally (nobody goes in for this kind of thing voluntarily). He will sign a waiver so that I may have access/be able to view the report. The first available appointment of this kind we could find is November 30, but hes on the wait list for any cancellation that might come up. I still think something might be said to one of these counselors that worries them enough to report us to CPS. I almost called CPS myself last week on advice from a hotline I called. I was told theyd likely be called in anyway once the therapy process gets underway so if I were to be proactive and show that I as the mother am willing to cooperate and do whatever it takes to be sure shes in a safe environment theyd be more willing to be on my side. I was coming very close to making that phone call because it was the fifth week of my husband being out of the house and all the surrounding stress was so much to handle. My mom and my husband completely flipped, calling CPS wolves whod destroy our family.
I tried to explain to my husband that his dad and his brother had basically stamped his forehead with a scarlet letter I for incest and thats one of the worst elements of the abuse how it causes others to forever look at you differently. Danny mentioned to me 4 years ago he thought hed heard something about his grandfather molesting his Aunt Dava (dads sister). All the bits and pieces have been lying dormant in my brain because this type of ugliness is not something most people want to ponder often so I put it out of my mind. But now theyre DEFINITELY together. I went on Paxil (anti-depressant) after I found the child porn, but once I threw Danny out of the house I gradually weaned myself off them and find Im sharper as far as actually being able to look at the ugliness and put it together rather than stick my head in the sand. When I said look, your dads a child molester. His dads a child molester. This paired with your behaviors still leaves me with no choice but to have you go through a thorough and objective psychological evaluation. I said this while he was at work. He called me back later and said hed called his Aunt Dava and told her what he experienced as a child and that he had to ask her if she was molested because he thought hed heard something but wasnt sure. According to Danny, Dava said she was molested when she was 3 and 4 years old, but not by her father. Her father was emotionally abusive, but not sexually. Because this information is pretty important to me as well, whyd he have to have this conversation while he was at work, completely leaving me out of it? Now I have no way of knowing if he even had this conversation.
My story could go on and on forever but I just wanted to post before this counseling appointment and I guess Ill probably post afterwards because I know its going to be an experience.
