going to therapy again

going to therapy again
A

ABridget

Registrant
Hi, I'm actually forlauren but I reregistered since my other computer caught a virus and I couldn't figure out my password.
Having a hard day today. Tomorrow is H and my appointment with the psychologist hes been seeing. Shell give us the results of the evaluation and assessment she did with Dan. He had three appointments that were 4 and 5 hours long apiece. I flipped out on Friday thinking what if Im not satisfied with what she has to say? after spending over $3,000 to get her opinion. I got on the internet and started researching computer forensic analysis again. There is a local company thatll do it for $750. I also researched polygraph examiners. So if Im not satisfied with what Dr. Wydra, the psychologist who testifies in court regarding sexual abusers and child molesters, has to say I know there are other steps I can take. Dan has said that Dr. Wydra told him she doesnt think hes a danger to children but that his father is.
Im just so depressed. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for myself & for my daughter Laurens 18 month checkup. Im going to ask about antidepressants for myself. Im not motivated to go out of the house and I cry all the time. Ive been worried about going on antidepressants because I fear if we divorce my depression would be used against me in child custody. But my mom says practically half the countrys on antidepressants and Ill look more responsible for taking care of it and taking the medication.
The last time I posted we were about to have our first appointment with Dr. Wydra. The night before the appointment I slept almost not at all because I tormented myself with the thought even if it turns out that Dan isnt a pedophile, hell still have his Dad and his brother in his life. I thought I just couldnt stomach that. Especially his dad, who completely abandoned one illegitimate child he had with a secretary and who now has a gorgeous 12 year old daughter who I see as being in serious danger. How can Dan call himself a big brother to that little girl not knowing if shes being molested by him or any of the other men her father shares porn with and who are traipsing through his house every day?
I only saw about a six week chunk of Dans emails with his dad. They made jokes about sex with underage girls and about group sex, there was lots of regular pornography, but what freaked me out so hard was a couple emails with the subject line open in private and then the attachment or whatever was so private was missing. Then theres the use of the word stuff. His dad sent an email saying Its Friday, havent had stuff from you in awhile. And then theres the email his dad sent him titled My Website from some guy named Ozzy who said hed created this website, from back in the good old days. I wont say the name of the website, but the subtitle on it was the nets finest nude teens like it was all classy or something. Of course, there was a disclaimer saying the models were 18 but when I clicked the link to the site it brought me to my knees with horror. They were definitely kids, it was totally gross. Dan claims to have no memory of ever getting this email from his dad. His dad uses the word stuff again with this email, saying this is his type of art and he really liked some of the stuff there. So in my mind Im thinking the word stuff is their code word for sexual images of children. Dan says thats totally crazy and not true and Im jumping to conclusions. 2 weeks after the phone call I made to Stephen (Dans father) saying do not send those perverted materials to my house anymore I checked on that teen nude art website link again. The link was DEAD. The email was several months old and that link worked fine and then BAM, its dead? So see why Im thinking I was only catching the tip of the iceberg and something serious is going on with those men? So I tried to find the website on my own. Finally I did, but its appearance had changed DRAMATICALLY. The models looked completely different, with curves and big breast implants. Which makes me think that guy pulled his link off the internet because Stephen warned him there was an angry wife finding stuff out.
I just hate thinking about all this stuff. Ever since my daughters been 3 months old Ive been scared and thinking of horrible things like child porn and whether my husband can be trusted. Im so tired.
So I hope tomorrow provides some type of answers for me. Before our last appointment, like I said, I hadnt had much sleep and the morning of I flipped out on Dan and was calling him names like pervert and he said I was a bad mother. Then I really flipped out and it became physical. I tried to do my worst, but was left very sore with scrapes and bruises on my face and everywhere and he had not a mark on him. I called the police and told them over the phone I had a computer hed used to download and distribute child pornography and I couldnt live with it anymore, would they please take it with them? Well they didnt take the computer because they said they didnt have a warrant. Dan admitted to the one child porn video hed downloaded to the police, that it was the worst mistake of his life. But I know what a good liar Dan is, and how hes pretty smart & he knows that when you tell a partial truth people will think oh, hes so honest and figure thats all there is to know.
Why is life so hard?
 
Do what you feel is going to keep her safe from being hurt. Sometimes the right choices are the hardest to do. Best of luck.

James
 
I should add: No matter what the t says. If you feel your daughter isnt safe, then go with that feeling. T's are trained in there area, but there not right 100% of the time. So trust in yourself!

James
 
hang in there :) , breathe and try to slow down your thinking. It helps me to write it out, like you're doing here, but also to write lists of questions.

Shell give us the results of the evaluation and assessment she did with Dan. He had three appointments that were 4 and 5 hours long apiece. I flipped out on Friday thinking what if Im not satisfied with what she has to say?
Click to expand...
You don't have to answer me, I'm raising the question-- What could she say that would satisfy you? What do you need to hear to know that your daughter is safe? That your relationship is safe?

What, at this point, could you even believe, when your trust has been so shattered? What would it take? Are you so tired and sick of being vigilant that you'll "believe anything," or so fearful and angry that nothing will do, or somewhere in between?

I think it is a good idea to talk to your pediatrician about all of this. That puts someone else on your side who is watching your daughter develop and grow, and has her best interests in mind. It might also help to get some info. from a professional about how many women deal with depression for prolonged periods of time after having a child.

You have experienced a tremendous amount of deceit and dishonesty from your husband, even if you had no children you'd have a lot to deal with in terms of your future with him. Of course as parents there are times when our needs come after our children's, but our needs are still there and if we try to parent as unfulfilled people, I believe it catches up to us as parents. What I'm trying to say is, make sure that you don't entirely forget that you are a woman and a wife in need of support and healing.

You can't stay with him if he's going to hurt you and your child. But you don't have to stay in a broken relationship, just because he's not.
 
I cant believe Im saying this, but I had such a great day yesterday. I was dreading the day for a whole week because I had a lot scheduled and I was afraid nothing the therapist had to say could lessen my stress.
My first appointment was with my and Laurens doctor. I told Dan he could stay in the waiting room and I took your advice SAR and told her I wasnt sure whether my marriage would work out and all weve been through in recent history. I was so relieved when she didnt treat me like I was crazy and she listened thoughtfully to all I had to say. She listened when I told her about the therapy and testing Dans been doing and asked in a few different ways if he was learning and really trying hard to make things work. I watched as she typed notes into our chart and then I told her I thought I needed antidepressants but Ive been reluctant to go on them because I worried about what if we do divorce and would my depression be used against me. She told me she writes prescriptions for antidepressants every day for doctors, lawyers, teachers, people you would never in a million years think had any problem, and that most days she felt more like a psychiatrist than a medical doctor. She gave me the line about how if you had some other problem like diabetes you had to take medication for because of an imbalance and that antidepressants are no different, you just have the chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected. I felt tremendous relief and I feel so fortunate to be living in a time when a woman doesnt have to keep terrible secrets like this for fear of being called crazy or being shunned in some way. I feel Ive taken another step to secure my daughters safety. I debated up to the last minute if Id tell the doctor but its a weight off my shoulders and thank you so much SAR, your advice came just in time and it was totally excellent. Dan doesnt know I told her and I dont think he needs to know. Hes suffered so much embarrassment already and I dont want him to feel like he has to go find another doctor because shes his doctor too.
My next appointment was to see the therapist with Dan and hear the results of all his tests. When we arrived she said some of the tests had just been returned that morning from the testing center in Oregon and she hadnt had time to go over everything with a fine toothed comb but she could give her general impressions if we wanted it. I said I did and she said she thought just because Dans dad had done what he did didnt mean that Dan would do something like that to Lauren. She said she thought it was pretty incredible Dan hadnt already done something awful to put him in prison considering the values his father taught him, that there must be a strong core of goodness inside that he hadnt harmed a child (she doesnt believe he has) or committed some other criminal act. She doesnt believe Dannys a threat to Lauren, she thinks he needs a sexual re-education because he wasnt taught any type of sexual morality. She said what Stephen (Ds father) did was despicable and that any of the men shes talked to in prison would say exactly what S would most likely say, I love my child. Isnt it better I teach her than some stranger off the street? Dan defends his father still, saying well a lot of men have sexual friendships and Dr. Wydra said Dan, hes your father and Dan says he really wasnt though, he was more like a friend and Dr. Wydra is like you are in denial. She is tough and very sharp, I really like her and think she could do my husband a lot of good.
The way Im feeling today is that before yesterday I was 90% un-trusting of my husband and now I feel 50%. I wont ever not be protective and vigilant for Lauren, but I know Ill eventually have to embrace faith and trust Dan if we are to stay together. I believe hes willing to learn and I believe he wants to be a great father.
On a more frivolous note, my third appointment of the day was with a decorator. I had only talked to her on the phone and when she showed up with her assistant I felt an instant rapport and Im so excited about the plans shes going to come up with, Im going to get my very own board like you see on TV with the fabric swatches and pictures and paint colors.I could hardly sleep last night because Im so excited. They complimented me up and down about what Ive done so far with the house and compared my taste with Sarah Richardson who is my absolute favorite Canadian designer, so I was just flying high. Baby was so happy yesterday too, she liked the designers and followed us from room to room being just sweet and happy. During the therapy appt. the nanny had taken her to the park & to a magic show, so she just had a gorgeous day as well.
Thank you again, SAR and James. This board is an incredible place of education, support, and hope. I really dont know where Id be without it, Id most likely be in the nuthouse for sure. So thank you a million times, your advice is and support is a tremendous gift. Happy holidays!
 
Ab,

I am so glad that today is looking better for you, and that we were able to be of help to you here. :)

Have a great time decorating your house, it makes such a difference to be in a place that feels like your own.

SAR
 
Get some sleep. You havnt had much as of late. And lack of sleep will not help any depression you have. Remember not to forget yourself in all this while you are protecting your daughter.

James
 
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