Going to take another step back see you in 3 weeks

Going to take another step back see you in 3 weeks
R

RICK57

Registrant
Hello again, anyone that's been following my story...

Took the biggest step ever several weeks ago when I went back to reclaim the locations where I was abused. Did the business but went quiet for a while whilst my head processed the changes (planted forget-me-nots at 3 specific locations in memory of 12 year old me).

Just about over that now & I'm starting to realise that I have never really grieved for anyone close to me that has died since I was 12. Various relatives, some expected & some not... but I was such a frozen person, that I appeared strong - I had really just put the blocks up!

When I was 15, a 16 year old friend was run over by a truck (he was late for work, got off a bus & ran around in front of it to get to work, just as the truck was coming the other way....no contest).

I was at school at the time but had a part-time job in a supermarket. Me & another friend used to meet Phil & his girlfriend Lillian in the pub over the road after working in the supermarket (yes, I know none of us were legal drinkers) - it was such a shock to go in that friday night & be told what had happened - we just laughed hysterically because it seemed like such a bad joke. This was 3 years after I was abused (and I was only one of 2 people on the planet that new & the other one wouldn't call it abuse).

Went to the funeral (remember it was during a Geography lesson & the teacher was really sympathetic - I was just about iced up by then anyway, so couldn't really feel empathy).

I remember the graveyard more than anything (now that I allow myself), but I have not said goodbye yet....guess where I am going in the morning?

*We also found out that Lillian was pregnant shortly after his death.

Flowers & some words for my lost friend!
 
Sorry - I'm now 47...that's a long lost friend!
 
See you in a few weeks.
 
Well I went today & the impact was so much different to what I expected. I thought it would be like going back to reclaim the abuse sites & that I would be detached & not able to do much here - that's why I said 'see you in 3 weeks'. I must be getting stronger! *Stay with me this is about surviving!

Really strange - I felt really emotional on the way there...just remembering that he was one of the first friends that I had (when I was bordering on becoming adult)who had the same values as my parents...everyone OK until proven differently & that you always helped people when you could (very simple way of putting it).. He had 3 brothers that were always in trouble & he never was!

The cemetery is long established/very old & it's the first time I've been back since the funeral (1973)!

There's a caretakers house at the entrance & I believe that they can give you directions to each grave. It was closed today as it's a Saturday.

I got completely lost a couple of times, but eventually found the correct location (sort of).

I was upset to find that Phil's plot is unmarked - he doesn't have a headstone (I know that when people get cremated, there is nothing more than a reference in a book to record their demise, but I thought that everyone that got buried had a headstone). He had 3 brothers that could have done this for him at least. *I even took some tools with me to clean the stone & cut the grass if it was in a mess...the grass was cut, but!!!

There were 3 locations that could have been his (unmarked graves between marked ones) - the cemetery is pretty well organised in that people are buried in order of time/date of death (unless the plots are purchased in advance).

People are also organised by their religion, or perhaps lack of. This made it a little difficult to work out which of the plots may be Phil's. I remembered that when we were at the funeral, we faced into the cemetery, rather than outwards so that reduced the likely locations. I can check with the local council & add one of those black vases to the correct spot & leave a tribute to my 'no longer forgotten friend'.

What struck me as I was walking around were:

1/ A headstone that had 'PEACE' in massive writing (when I first got lost & started to feel a bit concerned that I wouldn't find the location at all).
2/ How the graveyard seemed to be divided into areas of religion & race....there were Jewish, Catholic, Italian sectors among others - it seems strange, that all of those dead people could not properly come together even in death. Some of those graves were old, I suppose things are different now (many of us will just go for the bonfire).
3/ What I also noticed, and what made me most emotional was the amount of children's graves, or, graves of people that died at a younger age than I am now. You know I get upset about the things that happened to me, and I wonder if I would have been different had they not happended. What I did realise as I was walking around was that 'these children didn't even have an opportunity to experience life - I have'. I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself and live some of the life that those children would have loved to live.

There were gravestones that recorded young adults that had died, some accidently (like Phil) & some from disease. Some had references of them being loved parents.

I couldn't find exactly where Phil laid today, but I will. Maybe he somehow led me back there to put other things into perspective!

May go quiet again now / maybe I won't - hope this just helps at least one more person.

*I've slayed some demons and now I'm meeting ghosts!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Rick,
Your story sure touched me. I am crying for you and your friend. It would be sad to not be remembered, and I am happy you are not letting Phil's memory dissolve.

Best of luck with your grieving, and Godspeed, my brother.
Casey
 
I find it very difficult to grieve the death of anyone. My belief sructure barely allows it. I do understand your need to do so. I hope that you are able to find the peace that you seek. I will be very interested in hearing what you have to say when you are done thinking about which is the greater tragedy; his life being cut short while he was young (and happy?), or your life being lived the way that it has been. Now is a good time to change one tragedy. You seem to already be doing that.
 
Rick

I am so pleased (and somewhat envious) that returning to those sort of places has had a positive result. I have often thought of going back, but I do that enough in my head.

Your experiences have forced me to look at the issue again and thats got to be for the good.

Thankyou

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Graveyards are fascinating places, for all the reasons you just listed Rick.
Even if the graves are those of total strangers in a strange town the inscriptions on the headstones open us such a world of speculation into who they actually were and how they lived.
I don't find them morbid places, just restful and a place where I can imagine other peoples lives and take parts of that fantasy and weave it into my own life and problems.

It's nothing to do with religion for me, just a great place to toss ideas around, one day someone's gonna speak back to me !

Dave
 
Casey, Mike, Archnut & Dave - thanks for your responses...I know it's done me the world of good going back again. I want to respond properly now, but the process has just kicked in and I know I'm preparing for the next step...and you know what it's going to be a positive one...I can feel it in my blood now. I wish I could explain how this really feels, but I don't have the words to do it justice. It's almost so good that it hurts! I have tried several times over the years to go back & find Phil's grave, but never been able to go back. Now that I have gone back, but not yet found the grave....I don't know, I just feel so calm, almost too calm. I will find it and then I can speak to him at the correct location.

I wish that the really good friends that I have now could have met him, they are so shockingly similar when I think about it!

Best wishes & love (my difficult word) everybody...Rik
 
Rik,

Please take care of yourself, when you do this, keep yourself safe. Much emotion may well come up in you. Almost 20 years after his death, I visited my brother's grave in December, and again when I was home this month. It is emotional, but it is a good thing, it feels like it gives some completeness. I wish you good luck and safety.

Leosha
 
Sorry for being ignorant and ignoring the other posts tonight (I also gave myself a couple of days off prior to this post)! I also apologise in advance if I upset anyone, but I can only see positive aspects of anyone here at present - even if you don't see it yourselves!

I feel like I am about to say something meaningful, but I don't know quite what it is.

I think that Mike NY put a thought into my head (a very positive one) ...when he asked me who's life was better, Phil's cut short, or mine as it has been?

Arch (sounds better without the 'nut' & I hope you don't mind because about the last thing I think of you is of being nuts) - wants to go back and look at things differently, even if that is difficult...this is how I am perceiving things at the moment.

Dave (Lloydy - I owe you an apology for not thanking you ages ago for sending me a contact number for a support group in my local area... it wasn't quite what I was looking for, but you made the effort to help me & I didn't thank you).

Leosha, once again a very caring man who asks me to look after myself when I go back to resolve my past.

Where am I heading with this post, I'm not quite sure...at first I was sitting downstairs tonight after finishing late shift & just chilling out. I know that I've been a little tired most of the week (usually a good sign). I'd dropped some information off for a friend regarding a company that he is seeking employment with (needs the money with 3 kids). Opened a bottle of wine & now sat here feeling something completely different (no not bladdered).

When I went back to find Phil, I was looking for a Ghost, I will shortly locate his place in Mother Earth (no I'm not a hippy & there's nothing wrong with them, I used to have 2 foot of hair... laugh if you like, I don't mind).

Mike NY (thanks again) - when I logged on tonight I was going to start a new post asking how I could do anything that could possibly indicate to my good friends (here in real-time England) how much their support meant to me over recent months - because they have helped me so much in ways that they could not understand (just like people here). That's a post I will now leave for another time!

Mike I've actually responded tonight because you made me realise (and I didn't realise until I logged in and starting typing this response - bet that surprises you ) that I was one Ghost looking for another (Phil became one at 16, I had become one at 12.

I don't know how Phil's life would have been, but I know he would have been an excellent Dad. Maybe I would have 4 godchildren instead of 3 (says the aetheist). Maybe he would have realised that I had issues way before I told anybody that I had....I could type 'maybe' all night!

At the end of the day, He was a good bloke - I am a good bloke...I'll leave it for now....loads more I want to say, but I'm thinking too much whilst I'm trying to say it.... I'm feeling it too!

Mike - I've got the opportunity to live - Phil had that opportunity taken away from him...that's probably the best answer I can give at present....maybe it's the one you expected. Thanks again for making me think...Rik
 
You are welcome. A tape recorder can be helpful when you start going faster than you can write or type.
:)
 
Hey, Rick -- long time since I have checked the site, and this thread of yours made me think a lot.

My heart is heavy for the loss of your friend, so many years ago, and for the loss of the part of your life that was affected by abuse. I grieve for what the abuse cost me, and I think about friends and family now deceased, and what might have been...

But I also know how much strength I drew from your posts a few months ago, when I was a pantload weaker than I feel right now, and not all that certain about how this would turn out. If only for that, your survival made a huge difference.

Nowadays, I see my little nephew take his first steps, and I laugh, and I want to protect him from whatever is out there. I see his bright future, and I know that it is all part of the cycle, man. I see my favorite uncle battle painfully through his eleventh slug of chemotherapy, staving off death for another (hopefully far-off) day thanks to grace and will and medical poison and a bunch of good things. I don't understand all of it, but somehow the process of healing and improving and nurturing and eventually passing on all make some kinda sense.

Surviving kept us alive, man... but it is the healing process that makes us stronger. All good thoughts to you, Rick, as you heal and remember a good mate. Here's to you. Both.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top