Going out of my head...

[survive75]

I feel like I am going crazy with anger and rage lately. Most of it is triggered by jealousy when I talk to or see my ex-girlfriend. And I feel all of the old controlling behaviors want to come into the picture. I have actually told her that I don't want her to succeed or have friends or have a good place to live. I have resisted getting violent with her or with myself, so I feel that is a good thing.

But at the root of all this, I feel like I am going out of my skull with rage and bitterness and jealousy and I don't want to be like this! I know I had no control over what happened to me as a kid and I know that I strive to have control over everything now... but knowing that doesn't help much.

How do you get over the rage when it is triggered by such intense emotion like a breakup? I feel totally controlled by the anger instead of the other way around. I've just never owned my anger and feel I have no right to it. So when it consumes me so completely, I feel totally fucking off the wall.

Sorry to ramble... just don't know how to handle this at all.

-Sean

 

[Ivanhoe]

God, Rage, has been my middle name. I'm thanking heaven, right now, that I've had a family that survived, or is surviving, my rage.
Some of the guys have written here about physical exercise. One of them beats up trees with a baseball bat when he feel overwhelmed. Another takes a walk when he feels his blood starting to boil. I trained for a couple of years on a Marathon schedule--ya, I completed two, one was under four hours, and I would have placed in the big man division--I weighed 199 when I finished--if they had had that division in '84.
I also did a guest spot on the radio a couple of times per month, reporting the latest consumer fraud, with callers telling their stories or asking for help. If I didn't get my five miler in before doing that show, I don't know how I could have sat there with any kind of composure.
So, some of the brothers here have found that regular physical activity is one help in controlling the rage in their lives.

Good luck to you,
courage and peace, as well,

David