Going nucking futs

Going nucking futs
J

Justin113

Registrant
Ok I am to my limit with this shit! I have so much stress and strain and anger lately it's driving me crazy. I have to do something. I've always felt this way, but generally not at such a strong frequency. I'm 20 and I feel like my life is already fucked. I live in Mpls, MN. I have to make friends. I really need to talk to someone. I want to sit next to somebody and talk until I have nothing left to say. This is hard enough but being gay I think makes it another level of difficulty. Because it's yet one more thing to be overcome. My bad self image. I view myself as like the person who did it to me because I feel these urges and act on them. And it feels good. Please help me. Just say something, anything, even pretend to be nice I don't care. I'm so melodramatic, I know. I was critisized my my dad for that over and over. Because I was often sad. And I sometimes make a big deal out of what appears to be nothing, but it doesn't feel like nothing to me dammit!! Why won't anyone listen?? I have tried to talk about this, but no one will hear it. They have knee-jerk reactions to what I say, like I'm offending them by telling the truth! Why am I bad for talking about what makes me hurt?!? I need help you guys. You're the only people I can turn to.
 
Justin,

I hear you.

You aren't going nuts. This is a very real reaction to what was done to you. You are hurt on many levels and you need to get it out. It's a damn shame that you don't appear to have the support network you need in your immediate circle of friends, but it's a sad fact of life for some of us here.

I'm glad you found MaleSurvivor because it is a place where we can talk about what happened to us, what was done to us, and know that there are people who understand. You are not alone, Justin. I understand. Everyone here understands. And we're listening.

I don't know why you feel you're acting like your abuser (that's what I got from your post, so please forgive me if I misunderstood). Are you acting out? That is, are you doing some unhealthy things in order to gain control or feel better about what happened? Some of us here (me!) do this, and yes sir it makes us feel pretty bad once it's over. It does not mean that you are a bad person. It just means, however, you need to stop. It's destructive and hurtful to you. I don't want you to hurt, Justin, I want you to get better.

Are you in therapy now? Do you have a therapist you can trust? If not, get one. A rape crisis center in your area should be able to put you in touch with a good one. It can work wonders for your recovery. I know it did for me.

Find someone you can talk to. Perhaps the best place to start, if there is one near you, is a gay community center. Dollars to donuts, there are groups meeting that deal with sexual trauma and there you can talk it over with fellow survivors. Professionals too.

Finally, it doesn't hurt to take stock in what you are doing. You're reaching out, an incredibly brave thing to do. That's an important step, no matter what the result. Too many people wallow in their hurt because their afraid of being judged, or worse, think it's a sign of weakness to need help. You are a courageous and intelligent young man, and you deserve to be heard. This coming from someone who isn't even sure of his own sexuality because my developmental process was interrupted by some selfish @$$hole who thought more of himself than someone else.

You will get better Justin. I know you will.

Please feel free to PM (private message) anyone here who you feel secure in speaking with to help, myself included. We are an undestanding bunch of joes and we all want to help each other. Get helped, help someone else. Pay it forward, that's what we do.

I love you, brother, no strings. Thanks for being here. I want to hear what you have to say.

Peace,

Scot :)
 
Scot. Thank you. What you said to me I can feel and it does feel good to know somebody gives a shit. I too am very confused about sex. I want affection more than anything. From another guy. I don't know why, it just feels good to have a guy hold me. Sex took getting used to, and I'm still not totally comfortable with it. My partner was abused too. We feel we are both gay. We love each other. But I still feel weird sometimes. Like it's not "right" to be with a man in this way. Even though emotionally it's what I need, the physical part was repugnant at first. Sometimes it still is. I think I know what it all means- my abuse caused me to identify sexuality with the male body and male emotional affection, while still feeling guilty about enjoying something shameful. But we are two guys who care about each other regardless, and I feel safe next to him at night. Is this normal? I need acceptance I guess. It's hard to find in this world. But I will try to call those places you listed. Maybe they will help me. Thank you Scot.
 
Jeff: I read your message and I'm amazed. Everything you said is exactly how I am. I had no idea all my problems tied in with this. For years I had many different psychologists tell me I was many different things- narcissistic, megalomaniac, bi polar, chronic depressive, hystrionic, potentially psychotic etc. all those listed are actual terms used to describe me by these people. They told me I was fucked up for years and I believed every word of it. Because I didn't know better. Because I'd never heard from any other survivors. I knew there must be others but until now I never contacted any. Nobody understands why I act so weird all the time. Why I'm so shy and fearful. I withdraw so much in solitude, but it's not really what I want. In time I want all this to change. I would like to feel better. Thank you for writing what you did, it was like seeing myself on paper. It's a strange feeling.
 
That's pretty much what I always longed for, to recieve male affection and love. Not sex. Just holding and sleeping and feeling safe. Sex feels good too, though, and I know it's healthy to enjoy it with someone you love. But the main thing I think of is affection. I need it so badly it hurts whenever I'm not directly recieving it. This impairs many facets of my life. How should we deal with this? I'm jobless and trying to find rent money while dealing with the stress of being on probation in another state (!) and also dealing with being a survivor of abuse and the hell that was my adolescence. All along, just wanting a man to hold me. This is what I'm reduced to, a small guy who needs male affection. And barely functions. After 20 years. I need to change the way I do things. Cause if this continues I won't continue much longer. And that's not what I want at all- I want only to be happy
 
I think you just told over 2000 guys you live with your parents, I wont tell anyone.

MJ

I hope friends help whyme, I am grateful for your kind words towards me.
 
Whyme,
I know we haven't met- but I feel so much for you. I wish you could feel the warmth and love I want to share. Even if we are divided by decades and states, I think we have felt similar things. I hope you find someone who will show you the affection you deserve. It stabs my heart cold to think that you are 44 and have never experienced affection! Life is fucking cruel and unfair. But I support you. And you support me. And that counts for something. I feel nothing but love for you.
 
You have put me in tears reading through the last paragraph. I'm so moved by your words because I too know and share the emotions that make them necessary. You are beautiful, my friend. And you deserve love and warmth. I know that I'm young, not very refined in my speech or ideas, but I do know that the feelings I harbor will always remain there. As I grow older and wiser I will be better equiped to help others. I'm trying to do so now. I'm learning. I want to give love, and I want love in return. Thank you for allowing me both.
 
Justin and Jeff,

I do understand how both of you feel. Now, I am confused about my sexuality at this point (attracted physically/emotionally/intimately to women and men), but part of what made me easy pickings for my abuser was that my father and I didn't get along. Yes, even at the tender age of 11. I was a sensitive, bookish, shy child, and my father's idea of what boys should be didn't fall in that catagory. I was easily bullied and moved to tears, and that hurt my father to the point I'm pretty sure he considered me a "faggot."

God, that hurts to say.

SInce that time, I didn't trust any of my schoolmates (they were cruel and mean to me), and along came this guidance counselor who used that to get me to do exactly what he wanted. My price came pretty cheap, too. All that, and what I wanted from him, what I remember with such goddamn conflicted feelings, was just lying on top of him with his arms around me.

11 years olds shouldn't feel that way. 11 year olds shouldn't know about the "afterglow" of sex. 11 year olds shouldn't have to feel like prostitutes for basic affection and love.

Hurts. Still hurts to this day.

Jeff, what I wouldn't crave for a man to just hold me. Make me feel safe. Make me feel that I was a whole man and worth loving. I thought I had it as a child and it turned into such a f*****g ugly mess. Now, I just crave that. Crave that acceptance and love from a man. What I didn't get from my father and was made so f*****g ugly by my abuser.

Justin, you too are right and deserving to get that. We all are, and the fact that you are trying to get what you deserve shows a courage that I do not have now. I do not trust. I do not love. I want what I cannot have now.

God, I feel your lonliness. I wish I could hug you, tell you it will be all right. It will be for all of us, guys, I know it. But it will be hard work, and some times I do not know if I have the strength for it. But I know I will carry on, because what choice do I have?

You both are inspirations, and I love you. Just that. I love you both. No strings.

Peace,

Scot
 
Jeff,

You needn't worry about someone finding you cold. I feel the compassion you yearn for in others in you now. I do not need to be with you physically to know you are a caring, compassionate person who has so much to offer other people. When you offer it to the right person, you will be rewarded beyond your wildest expectations. You have given me a reason to keep on hoping.

Justin, yes, you are capable of loving and being loved. Do not let anyone ever tell you any different (even yourself, when you get to feeling negative). You may feel that you are young, but you are wise beyond your years, and you have a lot (A LOT!) to share. I look forward to seeing more of that here.

Guys, I hold you close in my heart. I hope it's enough. I love you both. You are the best this place has to offer.

Peace, love, and compassion, brothers.

Scot :)
 
What an incredible thread by a truly remarkable group of brothers. You guys should step back and all give yourselves a great big hug. The strength and compassion here is truly incredible.
 
Justin,

This is a wonderful thread. I was busy elsewhere and almost missed it.

It is nice to hear men talk about affection. I haven't found that either though I've been in a relationship for 18 years.

I think part of the yearning for affection for me is partly the desire to be enfolded in a safe place (and to hold another guy in that safe place, too.)

I have always felt cut off from others, different but not just different, more like separate. I desire the affection but fear the intimacy I suppose. And, even if my concious self does not seem to fear the intimacy, my subconcious self has control of my body and refuses to provide that which it craves most.

It is true that the practice of compassion is healing. It feeds my soul. But it, too, seems a separate thing, only going so far, never touching my heart deeply.

Talking, writing about these things takes me to my saddest place but reading what all of you have written encourages me.

Brett
 
Reading all of our posts becomes more and more enlightening and amazing to me every day. The incredible similarities with how we've reacted to the abuse, how it affects our lives, our relationships, is revelation to me. I've read books on the subject, but nothing prepared me for the honest and brave discussion I find here.

I'm sure that for many of you, you've been aware of all this for awhile. I seem to be one of the youngest posters here. Small wonder. I do believe that most kids my age who have endured what I have unfortuanately wind up in bad situations. I'm talking about jails, psych wards or worse. I've been in three foster homes, group homes, assesment centers, hospitals, jail cells, etc. You know- the system. And even now, a year in the clear after a brief stint in jail, I'm pissed off as hell at the system. This is why.

It didn't help me. It hurt me. I know this because my feelings made it clear every day. I was abused in a foster home that I was sent to for the purpose of protection from other abuse! The hospitals did nothing but isolate me further. So I want to know- does anyone here have experience as a ward of the state? Or been involved in some capacity with the system?

My best friend was incarcerated as a juvenile and subject to actual torture at the hands of the gaurds.

So how do I deal with all the rage?

The reason I've went in this direction is because I wish to make an observation about how it relates to my need for affection and my struggles with intimacy. Because all of this compounds the abuse, my need for love was tempered by my fear of it! Because those in the guise of helping authority often abused me themselves!

All these betrayals ultimately make us so needy for love and so fearful of trust that we freeze between reaching out on one hand and accepting what love is offered on the other! It's the saddest place to be. The very worst.

But I have started thinking that since we all feel so similarly and since we understand each other better then anyone else, we should all take steps to trust and feel safe and accept what love we offer each other as being genuine. I think many of you already are able to do this because you've worked at it for so long. Me, I'm new to it. But after saying all of this I want to say also that I'm am deeply thankful to you all for making reaching out a possibility. Jeff, I know how hard it is. But reaching out to me will never end in a disspointment. Cause I'll reach right back to you.

Your friend
Justin
 
Another thing I was thinking. Being gay in a situation like this, and I'm pretty sure I am, it makes me fearful that I'll be rejected cause someone will be disgusted with it. I have a partner who I've been with for a year who was also abused. We struggle with being uncomfortable about sex sometimes. Does it remind me of the abuse? Sometimes I think so. Is this normal? How do you develop a healthy, sex positive attitude then? I try and he tries but I still sense distance during it. I've read about becoming numb during sex. I hate it. It's a bad feeling and I just want to get rid of it. Has anyone here been successful at getting rid of it? I don't want to make anyone here uncomfortable by talking about this. But it's something I really do worry about. I feel awkward talking about this, but I'm trying to be bold and say what I've wanted to for so long. If I don't reach out- if I freeze- I know I'll never change. Sometimes I wonder if I've confused affection with sex. Is that why I have gay feelings? Because I want a man to hold me. The whole issue confuses me greatly. I guess I'm just looking for other people's thoughts. Maybe some of you have been here before and know about it. I hope that this doesn't alienate anyone, cause that's not my intention. I've come to be comfortable with being held (finally), but beyond that it's a gray area. I just wanted to know if anyone else goes through this.

On another note. The friend I referred to in the last post, the one who was physically abused badly, his behaivior is pretty similar to ours in many ways. But the urge for affection from a male is not present. So I have this urge simply because of sexual abuse. Great. It's nice to know that such a large part of my personality is dictated by early abuse. Is this the real me that feels this way then? Who is the "real" me? Is there one? I will likely never know. I guess in the end it doesn't matter, because this is who I am today, for better or worse. So I might as well accept that, right? And then try to work with what I've got. I'm sorry if this all sounds so basic or whatever, but I really am learning just how little I knew about all this. Christ. It makes me feel somewhat stupid. Like I should have seen it all before. Like I've been blind to everything in my life. It's a weird feeling to realize I'm 20 and just discovering who I am. Common feeling for many of us I suspect. I just wish someone had helped me through it all before. I can't believe how goddamn unfair life has been to so many. It really enrages me. I feel so cold sometimes toward life. I hope this feeling passes soon. It's not very pleseant. Thanks for listening to my rant, guys. I know I can try people's patience sometimes heh.
-justin
 
Great post, Jeff. You honeslty impress me. And though I am your friend, I wouldn't say that just to be nice. I don't bullshit. I say it because I mean it. You made so many good points. Sometimes when I read what you say I'm in awe because I wish I'd been able to say it like you did. You have a knack, my friend, for putting on paper (or dot matrix) what I feel. The final stages of recovery I have seen glimpses of. I'm confident that with people like you in the world those glimpses will become an everyday reality. We need more people like you! I'm so goddam HONORED to hear the things you say and to be considered a friend to someone so cool. Thanks, Jeff, for your enthusiasm, your thoughts, everything.

Your friend, Justin
 
I am sick of this too Justin. I am not of this country, I moved here when I was 18 years age, and even with good, very good friends here, i still feel alone sometime here, not belonging or wanted, even knowing that is stupid of me. I feel bad to be selfish as that, it is me proving him right, I am bad, I am selfish, i am wrong. My father, he tell me he make man of me, what he do is to make me man, to hurt me and I can not say it hurt, must say at him that what he do is nothing, it feel good. He would do bad things and I can not cry, men do not cry, not when he is burn me or hit me or make me bleeding, can not cry or react at him of it, he would make it worse, or he would hurt at mom or gran instead and have me watch him do that, scare me more, and never can I say nothing bad of it. Then when he leave, mom make me be her 'little man of house' and I can not let her down, need be strong for her. When can we be the children we suposed to been then, and not have to be this stupid shit thing called 'be a man'? :(

leosha
 
Leosha-

The whole "be a man" thing is overdone here in the U.S. We are taught to "be a man" before we even ARE men!

Possible trigger*

I remember once when I was around 8 I was boiling a giant pot of water to make noodles. I fell backwards when I took it off the stove to drain it, and all the boiling water went on me. My dad came home shortly after and saw the mess from the water and decided that although I was burnt red already, I should be punished for spilling it and making the mess. What followed was a beating.

When growing up, I often made plots to kill him. I was shamed by him constantly. I felt like I was the worst person on earth. I was gay as well, and was terrified of him finding out. Trying to be a man in this situation was not really very easy.

But I am out of there. I have started over. I will focus on my present and future. The past may affect me, but I refuse to let it control me.
 
You're not the youngest one here, man. I'm 17. I've been abused, raped, and ignored. I know. The system never helped me either. The first thing I did when I was raped was tell the police. After all, that's what they tell you in school, right? They're there to help. Actually, they would rather pretend you didn't exist. Only girls get raped. I got a call from the Pierce County prosecuter's office almost a full year afterwards telling me that they wouldn't prosecute the case because no-one would beleive that I wasn't a prostitute. They wouldn't bring a known drug dealer to justice because it was icky. No-one's in it for our sake, buddy. The battle is our own, and the hill is pretty steep. You have the added pressure of being gay, or at least confused about your sexuality, in a non-accepting world. I feel for you. I know that I'm a straight person, but I've got my share of confusion and dysfunction and ugly shit to deal with, too. Leosha, I wouldn't worry too much about being what society considers "a real man." Real men aren't raped. But we were. It can't be changed. Just be the man you want to be, and you will be a much smarter, happier person. Talk to me, Justin. You're not the only young man out there.
 
Ok...Let's see if I can even express myself...

Ok, I didn't finish college, and I'm no Einstein, but what I'm hearing here, is that LOVE and AFFECTION are what's missing in most of your lives. Some of you were horribly abused by guys, who were supposed to be in protecting or nurturing roles in your lives. They were SUPPOSED to be LOVING you---the RIGHT way--the HEALTHY, building way. They didn't---they took away wonderful important things from each of you, and it enrages me too.

You're all expressing this common craving to be held by a man, but what I'm seeing is, it's a completely non-sexual craving, like it should have been to begin with, nurturing, safe and warm with no "penalty".

So, my question is, why isn't it all right NOW? What is it that determines that you can't love someone, and be held by them, and keep sex out of it? That's what messed everything up in the first place, mixing the innocent emotional need with inappropriate..."abominations!" The emotional need is still innocent, and still there all these years later. It seems to me (the non-expert) that continuing to mix them, will just perpetuate the wrong kind of feelings and frustrations. Can you "reprogram" your thinking or feelings by doing the same things? Please forgive me if my thinking is overly simplistic. They don't call me Pollyana for nothin'! :D

Why do you "label" yourself "gay" or melodramatic, or not a 'real' man, or whatever? You need to be heard, you need to be held, you need to be able to express what you feel without being judged, or without having to "pay a price". I don't think that's too much to ask. You have a right to be frustrated when after a gazillion years, and a gazillion tries, your needs still aren't being met!!!

Geez, I sound like some crusader. I'm new at this, but I think I have the potential of turning into one!

I believe in you guys, and I'm proud of you for breaking the silence, and reaching out. Thanks for helping me understand.

Lynn
 
I agree Jeff, ya gotta be who you are. Unfortunately, it sounds like as a child that wasn't an acceptable option. I think I understand the complication thing---like, if it's not ok to be me, then begins the analyzation on what is.

I'm sure the pure and simple you is wonderful. "Simply" wonderful!

Sometimes complex situations are eased by small and simple things. I wasn't suggesting that everyone goes out and tries to "fix" everyone else by looking out only for the other person's needs. I was just wondering what difference it might make if guys in the same boat who may connect because of similar experiences--and needs--reached out with that unconditional acceptance. Y'know, be able to love each other, hug each other, support each other without being "labeled" or having a sexual connotation to everything. The missing links aren't sexual.

I just think...in my pollyanna way...that if a guy reeeeeally needs to be held by a guy, it's a genuine thing, not dumb or inappropriate or an embarrassment or whatever. That need won't be filled any more by a sexual relationship than...than...eating Oreos.

Just a thought! Hey, it might be simple enough to work!

Just a thought!

Smiles,

Lynn
 
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