going backwards

going backwards
S

seekeroftruth

Registrant
I have been working with my therapist on my childhood sex abuse. The more we talk about it the worse I feel, like im going backwards in life, not forward. im plagued by old thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I feel almost out of control wanting to act out. im really confused and conflicted, why is it, that what I was made to do as a child, making me aroused. I don't want to be, but don't seem to be able to stop the thoughts.
 
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish I knew of a fast forward button for therapy, but I haven't found one yet.
 
Hi seeker

With my experience during therapy everything is close to the surface and wanting to be heard. Arousal is something we are hard wired for, I have a hard time with processing that as well. It does not make sense. I have always quit therapy to let things settle down but then they never get dealt with. Therapy is difficult I hope you are able to continue. I did find out lots out of going to therapy but could never talk in depth about sexual abuse and arousal. Never really got to the point I trusted talking.
 
I've been in and out of therapy over the years. When it feels like I'm going nowhere I quit which might not be the best approach. Its better to stick with it. You have to get past the ugly stuff first.
 
seekeroftruth said:
I have been working with my therapist on my childhood sex abuse. The more we talk about it the worse I feel, like im going backwards in life, not forward. im plagued by old thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I feel almost out of control wanting to act out. im really confused and conflicted, why is it, that what I was made to do as a child, making me aroused. I don't want to be, but don't seem to be able to stop the thoughts.
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Unfortunately, repeating, or wanting to repeat our abuse, is a standard consequence of what happened to us. It... sucks.

I would encourage you to stick with it. I will say this though: if you find a therapist who only wants to work with you on the acting out stuff, and never helps you revisit and process stuff from your past, you will be sticking a band aid on things - one with poor adhesive that just falls off. There are times when we (and our Ts) must focus on that aspect of things in the here and now. But I had several that only did that and never helped me truly heal.

The process that allows us (we do still have to choose not to act out) to gain victory over the desire to repeat the abuse is understanding our own locked-up emotions from our CSA. To let those feelings out - the anger, the rage, the injustice, the sadness, the loss (of so much), we can find resolution so long as we do so with a caring “witness” who truly sees us - both the parts of us that were abused, and the parts of us now. Until we do this, that desire to act out will stay as strong as it always has been. I will hope and pray for a breakthrough for you @seekeroftruth.
 
If it will make you feel any better, my sexual fantasizes are much worse than the actual abuse. Not sure why that is but it is. Sucks for sure.
 
It is a cruel irony that we can not move forward until we go back. I recall vividly an image in counseling of me standing in front of a door terrified of opening it because everything I had been running from my entire life was behind it. And I am not going to lie, after I "opened" that door and walked through it was a brutal 6 months as I finally faced what I had been afraid of. Many nights I laid in bed sobbing wanting my abuser to do it again only worse. The worst part of it was the despair that there would only ever be darkness and hurt. It was during that period that I only moved forward because my counselor thought things could get better. He was the hope in the room when I had none.

But slowly things have gotten better. It is not easy but it is worth it. Keep fighting for what is true. You are worth the fight. As someone told me on this forum, "you survived the abuse, you can survive the healing".
 
BelovedSon said:
But slowly things have gotten better. It is not easy but it is worth it. Keep fighting for what is true. You are worth the fight. As someone told me on this forum, "you survived the abuse, you can survive the healing".
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Agreed. Wholeheartedly. And I also agree that it sucks we have to can't move forward until we go back.
 
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