Going back to my perpetrator

[batman72]

One of the things that I constantly struggled with is returning to my perpetrator after the abuse happened. I told myself that I must have wanted sex with him if I kept going back to him. Even my mother confirmed this by telling me that I deserved what he did to me. But then I realized that I went back to him hoping that I would get a need met by him that wasn't sexual. Each time, I was hoping that it wouldn't happen and that I could have a friend and companion I so longed for and desired. It took a long time to realize that I was ok and that needing a friendship wasn't a bad thing. Also, I wasn't at fault for having this man trap me into a relationship that gave me a sense of what I really needed. He abused me and I didn't deserve it.

 

[LoneWolfX]

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[George]

My own going back too was a big obstacle to deal with when I started dealing with my abuse issues. This was the one thing that I could point to claiming at the time that I had the say in weather I went back or not. It took me too long to figure out that I did NOT have that say.

My abuse was at the hands of an uncle when I was late 8, when it first happened I was scared, I instantly knew it was very wrong, but my shame & fear kept it hidden. We had to sleep over there most weekends and I would try to hide myself while sleeping. It went on a lot, by 11 puberty hit and then I turned into this highly sexualized kid, then it was *me* who went there looking for it (so I thought).

After dealing with the abuse issues, especially all the control issues I had, I had to deal with that false toxic shame and guilt, that was NOT mine. I had to realize how vulnerable I was, I had to accept that I was a victim, I had to give up that false notion that I had control as a child.

Having a dis-attached father who was kind of there but wasn't, I was left a needy young boy, craving what my father should've installed in me, that much needed attention, affection and male affirmation that should've been the foundations of a healthy sense of masculinity & self esteem. I had none of that, so here comes this uncle who started the grooming process that I ate up, he was giving me attention, giving me affection and I was grasping at any sense of affirmation that I was worthy of it. Only for it all to be turned around and used as a weapon against me.

Then there is our childhood innocence & immaturity, our brains can't comprehend all that is going on with all the incredible new stimulation. Our bodies respond like they were designed. At the time we can't wrap our heads around what is happening and what it means and what it doesn't mean. Our abusers use that stimulation as part of their trap to keep us ensnared in it. Our childhood brains often try to respond by setting up coping skills, often times faulty due to our immaturity, they make wrong connections. Too often one of those coping skills is trying to take control by claiming responsibility for the abuse. We often deny our victim-hood by asserting control when we actually had none. We usually build a form of *denial* of it in order to preserve any sense of sanity at the time due to all the inner chaos over it that we suffered with in silence.

I heard that "it wasn't my fault", but I didn't feel it, it didn't sink in deep enough to where I needed it to wash away all that toxic shame and guilt. It wasn't till I met my nephew for the first time when he was 11 (the same age I was when I "decided" to go back) did it hit me how innocent he was. That I was too and should've been and would've been had I not been abused. That's the moment when it finally sunk in for me.

We were children, we needed male attention & affirmation, we were taken advantage of and abused. Your Mom was so wrong in her assessment of the situation.

So many of us judge our child selves with our now adult reasoning and wrongly assign guilt to our child selves. We make ourselves our own whipping boys. What a relief it is to finally let that all go and recover from that hot mess.

It takes a lot to break through and then tare down that safety wall of *denial* that we invested so much time building and caring for.

 

[batman72]

LoneWolfX No, I moved away from my hometown when I was 18 and had no contact with him since I was 16. I plan on keeping it that way.

George: I relate exactly to what you were saying. My father was much older than most fathers at the time, and he was not very relevant in my life. Since I was left to my own much of the time, I craved male attention and affirmation so much that I wanted to keep a relationship with my abuser, but I just didn't want to have sex with him. Each time, I was hoping that nothing would happen except that I would find the attention that I so craved. Thank you for that wonderful reminder and response.