God Moment!

God Moment!
M

Marc

Registrant
Well Guys,

You know how I feel/believe that I have a 'disconnectedness' from God.

Well I think that I am having a 'God' moment. I'm not entirely sure I like the response from him/her/whatever but...

I'll let you know how things turn out and what makes me believe this. It's gotta be one of the weirdest experiences that I have had.

Kind of like realizing that you have to pay outstanding taxes and then winning the lottery? :confused: :p :rolleyes:

Anyhow....

More to follow.
 
Marc,

Prayer works for me. Sometimes it keeps me going when I don't think I have anything else.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Let me restate the following:

Kind of like realizing that you have to pay outstanding taxes and then winning the lottery?
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It's actually more like, "Kind of like realizing that you have to pay outstanding taxes and being told that your bank is refunding you money from a bad transaction that previously occurred."
 
Marc:

Bro I'm praying for you; may the taxes you have to pay be well worth the refund you receive! ;)

Victor
 
I do not quite know what your moment will be. But I can understand a disconnect from God right now. I believe much in him, I always have and know I will, but that does not make me not angry at him right now. I know that the free will argument will explain how people can do these things to each other. I just struggle that I must have deserve this, to have God allow it to happen. I know this is not much sense right now, I am sorry.
 
Marc, Please don't take offence, as this is NOT directed at you, or any one else here.

U hit on a really hot topic for me.
God? Who's that?

I CAN/do understand a devoted believer.
That's great for you. And I am truely glad God and prayer gives you comfort.

Though I do believe in a Higher being, I do not believe "it" would intervien due to prayer.
Or interviens at all.

I USED TO BE a devoted catholic. But I prayed my self right out of that faith. All the praying I did to God during the abuse didn't do a Damn bit a Good. And don't give me that "Footprints in the sand" crap. "He" may have carried YOU, but "HE" dragged me across the rocks.

Some have told me, "He's holding out His hand to You, all U have 2 do is take it" Why? So He can let go when I Need it most? Piss on that.

Or "You have to believe to be Saved".
So He is going to use threats?
I have to bend to his will? Sing praises? Glorify Him? FUCK that.
Sounds like an abusive relationship.
Sounds like my perp. He used threats and promises too.

Do I sound angry, a little. And this Topic does brings up some old stuff. I feel I have moved pass most of that. But I do have strong feelings about this topic.

Perhaps one day I will change my mind. I don't think it would be a bad thing. I'm just not ready now.
 
marc,

i will continue to pray for you...i think you are in a positive place...anytime someone is reaching it shows great faith and great hope...which is something we all need...

blacken,

i am very sorry for your pain...it may offend you, but i will pray for you as well...
 
Sheesh... opened a kettle of worms did I?

Ok here's the deal... I'm hiv- but this past year I had a staphlococcus aureus infection. If you aren't sure what it is look it up and understand.

It's the killer staph that you hear about. Likely got it during an 'intimate' moment while high as a kite on crystal meth.

Contracted in December, a BIG deal was made about it in the gay community because it was becoming prevalent in them; in us. I became the 'poster boy' in SF; literally. Did the news, papers etc...

It isn't easy to get rid of (Some have died of it.) and I went on SOOOOoooo many antibios. Clindamyacin (sp), rifampin, doxcyciclene, stuff that would curl your toes and no one was meant to take... ultimately a month of home therapy, vancomyacin (IV) kicked it (those of you into the permanent 'Matrix' ports.... this is the way to go!). Because of the illness from the drugs I cold-turkey quit drinking, smoking, drugs, unsafe sex, (I rotate my addictions). Couldn't even eat let alone do ANY of these things. Cleared in 3 months, clean for 5 months and started psych therapy in the 2nd.

Recently started 'slipping'....

Guess what... got IT again. Out of all the possibilities; gonnorhea, syph, hiv... something that I fought SO hard to lick, I got again.

I would not have listened to reason... "Stop having unsafe sex! Stop drinking, etc..."

Maybe God said, "Well, worked before maybe it'll work again before you kill yourself son.

Here you go... have some staph. This'll get you to quit, at least temporarily. At least 'til the therapy takes hold."

God moment? I don't know. Food for thought!

I am very conflicted about God Blacken. Alternatively angry (I've cussed God out more times than you could imagine. I mean I've thereatened to ANNIHALTE God. Made deals with the devil.) Hated God for everything that has happened to me.

And here I am... only thing that I can explain in this way.

I don't undertand it but that is me TRYING to.

Doesn't matter... God moment.

Take what you will. Doesn't matter to me. I don't WANT to accept the concept of God but, DAMN!!!!

I'm still pissed at God about everything... But maybe it doesn't matter?

P.S for Blacken...

I have a hard time accepting also but... studies have shown/proven... I'll show you if interested, that prayer actually works!

Don't know for sure if it is God that is at work but, my personal beliefs say that God is US... and WE are God for whatever it's worth.

Prayer in groups works! I don't make this stuff up. I am a 'science/proof' kinda guy like you.
 
godsrabbit,

In no way would I be angry with u or anyone else, for praying for little ol'me. I hope it works.

Marc,

The can of worms is my own. U just happen to nudge it open with ur foot as u walked by.
One worm got away, and that, most likely, is a good thing..........
 
Marc,

That's quite a "wake up call" to get.

Tell me to shut up whenever you want. Are you back on the antibiotics now? Do you know if there are any special concerns about undergoing another round with the same meds? Obviously it is possible to defeat this staph, since you've done it once.

You're in my prayers, (you, too, Blacken)

Joe
 
Warning, Warning, Warning!!!

Probably not for the sqeamish, faint of heart, nursing or pregnant mothers, blah, blah, blah...


First time that I got staph, was only a few months after my motorcycle accident and I had a weakened leg. The staph started as a boil on my ass (FU*KIN HURT LIKE HELL! Hows that for an insult to my manhood??? :p ) and while that was easily removed and healed quickly the bacteria had spread into that bad leg. After trying the worst of the worst antibios orally, I demanded from an IDS (Infectious Disease Specialist) that I get put on the Vanco which only a few short months ago was the LAST therapy available (Not so, anymore. There are others.). I was on it a full month doing home IV therapy. They put a port in my arm and right up to the heart where it stayed the full month, all I had to do was connect the tube. Once for an hour and a half in the morning and once at night... EVERY DAY, FULL MONTH!. (Gotta say I liked this method better than anything else. Except for the temporary 'tethering' I had NO side affects, didn't bother my stomach, make me lethargic, nothing.)

Doing the Clinda and rifampin again (YUCK, BLECH, RUNS, STOMACH TALKS TO ME IN "TONGUES"!!!).

May have the boil removed again if need be but I should make it through ok unless the leg isn't as strong as I think or the bacteria finds another weak spot. The docs think it'll work. My mental head space for the most part is better than it was. Yes I CAN BEAT IT! :)

Don't want to beat a dead horse...

Blacken

I CAN/do understand a devoted believer. That's great for you. And I am truely glad God and prayer gives you comfort.
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I'm not, it didn't. Not sure anymore though... Hmmmmm

Though I do believe in a Higher being, I do not believe "it" would intervene due to prayer.
Or intervenes at all.
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At least not the way that WE want/demand/expect!?! Maybe 'it/he/she/whatever' doesn't want 'US' telling 'it/he/she/whatever' what should be done? We don't like to be told what to do either... I know I don't at least. (This is all part of my God as person theology.) Hell, I don't know either. All I can offer is my testimony. I'M still trying to figure this one out too! :( :mad: :rolleyes: ;) :)

And don't give me that "Footprints in the sand" crap. "He" may have carried YOU, but "HE" dragged me across the rocks.
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Blacken, you are another one of those treasures that has an exquiste way with words... ya had me rolling with this line Even if you didn't intend it to be funny! :D

I really hope this story helps. Wasn't meant so much for you guys as it is for me.

...and yes. Please pray for me and I promise to do the same for you guys too!
 
Marc,

You got my prayers, buddy, and love and support and all good wishes for your complete recovery.

I'm sure you already know this, but I hope you don't mind if I mention something that helps me.

Bacteria do not have moral detection antenna--they just go where they can, and don't care if we are sinners or saints.

I have had an ongoing struggle with fear of illness--especially in regard to my sex life.

Perhaps you already knew that I have had Hepatitis C--my first thought was that I got it from gay sex. Turns out thats pretty unlikely, but that's the first place my mind went.

I read recently on this site somewhere that this fear of illness is fairly common in survivors of SA.

The man who sexually abused me for years, was very phobic about germs. After I sucked his dick he made sure that I rinsed my mouth with some nasty mouthwash. Can't stand the smell of it today.

In retrospect, I understand that though I believed I was his one and only, he was very promiscuous. If I got sick from it and went to the doctor, then the whole game could have been over.

Pretty bleak stuff, when I was really only writing to offer you my support.

You are going to be well..we need you here too much for it to be any other way.

I just finished my 48 weeks of chemically induced
interferon hell--it was pretty tough. But I didn't have to go through it alone and neither do you.

Remember we're not bad people trying to get good, but more like sick people on the road to getting well.

If you have trouble letting go of the whole judgement thing about being ill, feel free to write me about it or post it on the board.

It would be helpful to me and possibly others.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this again, Marc.

Remember since you have the courage to recover from sexual abuse, you can recover from anything.

Your brother wolfman,
 
Marc:
As long as you wake up and don't smell orchids or hear organ music; then go on ahead and get up !

What church do you belong to? I know the Suthun' Baptist's don't believe in sex abuse.
They need me for a demonic example.

How about lottery numbers, Marc. Do you see any lotto #'s there? Tom S.
 
"How about lottery numbers, Marc. Do you see any lotto #'s there? "

After I sent this I realized that most of you are not from the southeast, so you would not know how hard the religious right wing in Tn fought to keep out a state lottery. Since their defeat, and the inception of a state lottery law, the passing joke has been, "Do you see any lucky numbers?"
Oh well, if I can think of anything else to bring a grin Marc, I'll try again, because I really believe you are living hell on earth.
Tom S.
 
Originally posted by godsrabbit:
sigh....

God bless you...marc, i am praying for you...you as well tom...

caritas all...
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Thanx bro. Rabbit.
I don't mean to jump in front of Marc here, but I also really need one special prayer request for temperance. I'd rather just leave the details unspoken, just temperance.
Thanx again; Tom S.
 
I'm a far cry from being church going Tom. (Thank God! lol :D ) < who writes this stuff?! :p

Actually, spiritually I don't 'sit' with any one doctrine or faith though I do blend a smattering of Taoism, Christianity and my own... Humanism.

Take the best ingredients, blend thoroughly and you have... SOUP! :)

Well I have a few more days of this. You'll be happy to know that yesterday, I received my latest HIV test. NEGATIVE! This was the critical one because it fell within the 'window' period.

To anyone who has a 'slip' and does something stupid (You know what I mean) you'll want to check into PEP (Post-Exposure Prophyllaxis)

It is a science gift that appears to actually work and work well. (EOD)
 
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