God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself
I used to write here a lot. I wrote yesterday, and I have something I wanted to share here today.
Ever see God doing things for you which you couldn't/wouldn't do for yourself? I have 3 things to share. I have doubt..............yet maybe doubt is, indeed, normal.
#1
I'm mushy. I just sent an email, an apology. I had to decline a business offer........for a STRANGE reason. About a week ago, I was writing this guy accepting his proposal. I went to push "send".........and my screen went BLUE. Completely locked up.
I had not seen that in 3 years. Was this a random glitch? My heart said no. I'd deliberately prayed about this, asking for a yes or no. My blue screen, as if God were talking to me, scared me. Not a punishing message. Just a clear "no".
I ignored this (or I wanted to) and retried 2 days later. Email sent. He replied with instructions on paying him. Now my heart felt a burn. I've tried to ignore it..............and had been churning in my avoidance. I fantasized it would go away.
This morning, I decided to address him. So I clearly wrote an email sharing the details above, letting him know I prayed on this, and I didn't feel right about it. I ended it with "I've never written an email like this".
I was willing to learn. There are some things I can't see, so I asked for help.
#2
I've continually felt unsafe in my Celebrate Recovery (CR) group. 2 leaders have been moralizing everyone, they're not doing recovery (so I can see) but being very legalistic and unsafe. I had not really prayed about this. Well, I've cried to God, but like growing up, I thought my desires were unheard. And the CR group feels very much like an alcoholic running the show again, comparing it to my childhood.
Well, I'm working with a new company, and I'm doing 12 hour shifts. I've called out of my meeting these last 2 Tuesdays since I was still at work. This is a very stable job, the hours won't diminish........so maybe He's answering me
I had been afraid to pull the plug on this....... yet my heart is opening back up to AlAnon, my old recovery route..........(I'm sitting here asking "is this really happening.....for me?)
#3
One of the 2 legalistic CR leaders is in my step study. So, needless to say, I am guarded in his presence. He often has a judgmental, "I have ALL the answers" mentality. (I'm seeing my own judgment of him in this writing)
And yesterday, I reached out to one safe person and MS......as we started the sex inventory in our 4th step yesterday. I felt very vulnerable. I realized 8 years back, when doing this exact lesson, I'd had much more support. So I reached out. I had my own fears. I didn't want more being near this guy.
Well........he missed yesterday. and he's missed the last 3 Saturdays. My sponsor, who I co-lead with, wondered why he'd not shown yesterday. I sidestepped his imagined guilt, sharing I thought it a gift from God. I shared my thoughts and feelings (from here and #2 above), and he said,
"it looks like God's doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself"
It appears He is. Maybe...maybe.......God is there for me....I'll keep talking/telling/reaching out to him. I had fears he'd be like my brother...........
I know I'm not alone, so I thought I'd share that.
Ever see God doing things for you which you couldn't/wouldn't do for yourself? I have 3 things to share. I have doubt..............yet maybe doubt is, indeed, normal.
#1
I'm mushy. I just sent an email, an apology. I had to decline a business offer........for a STRANGE reason. About a week ago, I was writing this guy accepting his proposal. I went to push "send".........and my screen went BLUE. Completely locked up.
I had not seen that in 3 years. Was this a random glitch? My heart said no. I'd deliberately prayed about this, asking for a yes or no. My blue screen, as if God were talking to me, scared me. Not a punishing message. Just a clear "no".
I ignored this (or I wanted to) and retried 2 days later. Email sent. He replied with instructions on paying him. Now my heart felt a burn. I've tried to ignore it..............and had been churning in my avoidance. I fantasized it would go away.
This morning, I decided to address him. So I clearly wrote an email sharing the details above, letting him know I prayed on this, and I didn't feel right about it. I ended it with "I've never written an email like this".
I was willing to learn. There are some things I can't see, so I asked for help.
#2
I've continually felt unsafe in my Celebrate Recovery (CR) group. 2 leaders have been moralizing everyone, they're not doing recovery (so I can see) but being very legalistic and unsafe. I had not really prayed about this. Well, I've cried to God, but like growing up, I thought my desires were unheard. And the CR group feels very much like an alcoholic running the show again, comparing it to my childhood.
Well, I'm working with a new company, and I'm doing 12 hour shifts. I've called out of my meeting these last 2 Tuesdays since I was still at work. This is a very stable job, the hours won't diminish........so maybe He's answering me
I had been afraid to pull the plug on this....... yet my heart is opening back up to AlAnon, my old recovery route..........(I'm sitting here asking "is this really happening.....for me?)
#3
One of the 2 legalistic CR leaders is in my step study. So, needless to say, I am guarded in his presence. He often has a judgmental, "I have ALL the answers" mentality. (I'm seeing my own judgment of him in this writing)
And yesterday, I reached out to one safe person and MS......as we started the sex inventory in our 4th step yesterday. I felt very vulnerable. I realized 8 years back, when doing this exact lesson, I'd had much more support. So I reached out. I had my own fears. I didn't want more being near this guy.
Well........he missed yesterday. and he's missed the last 3 Saturdays. My sponsor, who I co-lead with, wondered why he'd not shown yesterday. I sidestepped his imagined guilt, sharing I thought it a gift from God. I shared my thoughts and feelings (from here and #2 above), and he said,
"it looks like God's doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself"
It appears He is. Maybe...maybe.......God is there for me....I'll keep talking/telling/reaching out to him. I had fears he'd be like my brother...........
I know I'm not alone, so I thought I'd share that.
