Giving up the Control

[Morning Star]

All my life, I have felt out of control, be sexually, emotional or physically.

Sexually: I could not control the way I responded sexually during abuse or thereafter. Emotionally: I cant control my emotions, they take over me in no time, be it anger that turned into inverted rage or pain that festered and soon turned into despair.
Physically:I overate and am overweight.

As a result I try to control everything else in my life, my every action, thought, every thing I speak or write. Everything I do in a day, the way my home, my room looks. everythuing that happens thru the day. How people see me, my image, physical or emotional. This has resulted in this massive NEED TO BE RIGHT. I cant accept anyone be it myself or others do ANYTHING wrong. The result is immense rage.

My parents have been highly critical of me, always picking on me for doing small things wrong, my father even beat me one for slamming the fridge door.

I fear I will do something wrong or annoy someone. The truth is that most of the times I annoy myself I have become my father. I judge everything I do or dont do. I pick on myself ALL the time. This self critisim has taken my self esteem take a tumble. I am not confident about any thing I do. even if it brushing my teeth. I know I cant do it right. I will goof up. Even if I have done a certain thing a thousand time I stil feel as if I am on new turf and feel a child on first day at school, alone, abandoned disconnected.

I stay with my brother who is equally picky and critical.

I was emotionally abused by my parents but now I mam doing the same with myself. Though I do not physcially abuse myself, the emotional abuse continues.

I want to change this and live a little and enjoy the goodness that surrounds me.

 

[Whicker]

Morning Star,

I can relate with you the innate need to be in control of our lives.
So much was taken OUT of our control, and the pain/abuse only heightened that fact, making us what we are today.

I hope that you continue on your Healing Path, and eventually find relief for both your body and Spirit.

Whicker

 

[ForeverFighting]

I understand your feelings. I hope you can find a way to give up that need for control. This seems to be a good place to play with the concept. That's what I'm trying to do here, but it's about to kill me. My head keeps saying, Will they read it? Will they reply? Did they think what I wrote was stupid? Too much? Not enough? Why did I unload all of that on him? He has enough problems!

I also try to remind myself that they're not out to get me or judge me, so I don't have to play the part. Some man comes in my office with just the wrong look, and I become the young blonde guy that has to make him like me. That scares me. I haven't been that guy since the SA, and I don't want to be him again.

My wife says I'm a chameleon, and I see myself do it. I become whatever I think people want me to be. It's a terrible life. So here, I'm just trying to be me. And from your posts I've read, I think you're being you. And if it means anything, you seem OK to me.

I hope you can lighten up on yourself. You deserve better.

 

[self_righting]

My T used to say it is all about replacing those bad tapes that keep playing in our heads. Our parents and abusers taught us those tapes pretty well. A kids brain picks up those sharp tones and punishment real quick. We think them over and they become real inside our heads. Anytime soemthing happens we start playing those old childhood tapes. The trick is to replace them with good tapes-tapes we actually believe. That is the God D*mned hardest part. Thinks how fresh and impressionable our childhood minds were and now to try and replace all that with positive stuff that you know to be true about the real you. You have to make those new tapes from scratch and usually you are starting from a pretty low place. Self-esteem is a tricky issue.

 

[Morning Star]

Originally posted by ForeverFighting:
I become whatever I think people want me to be.

Forever your posted just reflected my truth I have no idea about myself so keep imagining all the flaws in me. That keeps me down and busy.
I try so hard to blend in group that I often loose my own identity. When I was acting out I tried so hard to blend in gay community, so that I could gain acceptance. The acceptance I never got as a child I kept on searching every where.

 

[Leosha]

It is tricky, to get the 'balance'. Because it is not that you are really 'giving up control', but not needing to control the less importent things. It is something that, like many other things, will take time, patience and practice. There are some things that are not importent, they can be done one way or another, and it is really no different. Perhaps you can start with those things, loosening control over them, and back off slowly of others.

Leosha